Screw The Damn Wright Brothers, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #166
April 18, 2010 Mike Gold 0 Comments
When you read this, I should be on my way back from Sweet Home Chicago. I did a big ol’ comic book convention. I did a big ol’ panel with a bunch of old friends, all about how it came about that we’d do that big ol’ panel in the first place.
My problem is, after doing two hours of music recorded by musicians who died in airplane accidents (Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind, www.getthepointradio.com; run four times last week) the last thing I’m going to do is put my ass in one of those overpriced tin cans, let alone trust those bastards with the lives of my wife and daughter. I grew up watching Alan King make fun of the airlines. He was a great comedian and an even better raconteur. But if I ever thought he had the definitive word on airlines, I was insane.
I don’t care how much money these bastards are losing; they deserve to lose it all. And even though some tickets are cheap (Adriane has made a science of finding cheap airfares – she just flew to Las Vegas for a buck two-fiddy), they nickel-and-dime us for everything. Extra luggage? One outfit just started charging for carry-on!
It’s actually cheaper for me to drive from Norwalk Connecticut to Chicago, even if I spend the night in a motel. It only takes a few hours longer than flying if I drive straight-through: by the time I get to the airport, get my bags on board, get through security, wait around to board, wait on the tarmac, wait some more on the tarmac, get in line for take-off, actually fly to Chicago, wait to get a gate, get to the gate (O’Hare is bigger than some Caribbean nations), get off the plane, get my luggage, wait for the bus to the car rental, get to the car rental, get the car, and drive it off of O’Hare Field, I could have driven about three-fourths of the way there. Assuming the flight wasn’t cancelled or I wasn’t bumped. And it’s actually worse going back.
This, of course, discounts the wondrous time I would have inside the floating cigar. Each and every airline employee (not the TSA officials or airport staff) treat us with something between absolute neglect and complete hostility. We’re sandwiched into a seat that would be too small for my cat, and we’re not allowed to use the gizmos-of-mass-distraction we get through security for nearly half of the 150-minute New York to Chicago flight. We’re overcharged for everything on board and they only take credit cards. Not that the on-flight dining experience isn’t awesome – if I have my tray open so I can eat, it is imbedded into my stomach and I can’t digest. So why bother with their Michelin Guide meal. Make that Michelin Tire meal.
I loved flying back when I was a teenager. People actually dressed up, and the airlines acted as though they cared about our business. It all started to slip after the Great Airplane Strike, and the fad of people hijacking planes to Cuba. But since deregulation, flying has been akin to a George Romero movie.
The numbers say flying is safer than driving, but this isn’t a safety issue. It’s a sanity issue. You know, flying isn’t safer than going to jail, and one of these days I’m going to lose it and go Mighty Joe Young on these bastards.
I can hardly wait for the San Diego Comic-Con.
Media metaphysician and www.ComicMix.com editor-in-Chief Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather radio show onThe Point, www.getthepointradio.com, every Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern, replayed three times during the week (check the website above for times). Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind political and cultural rants pop up each and every day at the same venue.
Martha Thomases
April 19, 2010 - 8:20 am
I hear you MIke, but I have to tell you that driving can be at least as annoying as flying. As evidence, I will cite the state of Florida.
Mike Gold
April 19, 2010 - 10:44 am
I don’t go to places where most of the population sets their cruise control to “5.”
Tony Isabella
April 19, 2010 - 11:00 am
My first birthday and Christmas after going to work for Marvel – December 22 and 25 – I flew home because my then-5-year-old kid sister said she wouldn’t have Christmas if I didn’t come home. I was flying student standby.
Because of weather delays, the airline sent me from JFK over to Newark. Because of further delays, they ended up giving me food vouchers for two meals. When I finally got on a plane to Cleveland, normally a very short flight, the plane was nearly empty. The flight attendants, though we didn’t call them that then, themselves exhausted by what had been an equally long and tedious day for them, couldn’t have been nicer. They fed me and then asked if I wanted more. They hung out with me in between taking care of the other passengers. All this for a plane fare of around $50.
It took me 23 hours to get home with one hour of my birthday to spare. My kid sister was long asleep, but she woke up as soon as she heard me.
23 hours to fly from New York to Cleveland.
And I couldn’t have been more pleased with how the airline had treated me.
Today…I can’t see myself ever flying again unless there’s absolutely no choice or someone else is footing the bill.
In the case of the latter, if wherever I’m going is within a two-day drive, they can give me the gas money instead.
I’d tell the airlines to go fuck themselves, but they would probably want to charge me extra for that.
Reg
April 19, 2010 - 11:28 am
“…. flying has been akin to a George Romero movie.”
😀
You haven’t flown (in the US that is) until you’ve shared pressurized air with the “UNWASHED”.
Aside to the mOTu… Your Asian fet…, err… appreciation will be greatly fed by the experience of EVA Airlines…. Absolutely gorg…. ummm.. professional airline stewardesses who will frequently ply you with *really* good food and steamed aromatic towels to refresh yourself. All at reasonably affordable prices.
The US airlines (although they won’t) should take a page or 40 from EVA’s playbook.
Mike Gold
April 19, 2010 - 2:08 pm
Where’s EVA go?
That sounds like a hell of a straight-line, doesn’t it?
MOTU’s probably got a frequent flyer card by now.
Reg
April 19, 2010 - 2:30 pm
Mike: EVA goes pretty much anywhere east that you wanna….and south…and just recently it seems…the great north.
Whew. I gotta take a nap.
Reg
April 19, 2010 - 2:55 pm
All bad innuendo aside…(I’ve properly excoriated myself)…I had the benefit of enjoying the experience with the airline several years ago on a trip to Laos.
At the time I remembered reflecting on how the professionalism of the flight crew was a shocking contrast to what then (and even worse now) passed for airline service in the good ol’ USA. Which is a great pity, since it all began here.
Marc "Future Mike Gold" Fishman
April 19, 2010 - 9:10 pm
Mike as you know, in order to cut down on costs, my wife and I drove for our honeymoon. From Chicago to Cape Cod, with 1 night stops in Batavia, NY coming, and New Bumfudge, PA coming home. To be honest, driving in the car was fine. It was nice to be able to hold real conversations, and listen to some audiobooks while driving. It also allowed us to not have to rush to an airport to sit and wait all day.
Patton Oswalt does a GREAT bit about flying. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPN0UU8RnhU …(it’s at the tail end of that clip.)
If you don’t want to go out to San Diego though, just give us the word, and Unshaven Comics will go cover it for you. 🙂
Mike Gold
April 20, 2010 - 7:48 am
Patton is a long-time comics fan, and, giving credit where credit is due, was a serious contributor to the Comix4Sight fund for our pal John Ostrander.
And he’s very funny.
Whitney
April 22, 2010 - 1:45 am
And honestly – how GREAT is a road trip? Every roadside diner seems like a portal to a new adventure. One year, I traveled almost non-stop on business. I used to love the sound of the wheels on the road. Made me feel like I was laying a claim on new territory. Or becoming part of it.
Next time I fall in love, I’m going on a road trip.
Mike Gold
April 22, 2010 - 7:45 am
“Next time I fall in love, I’m going on a road trip.”
Wonderful idea. A couple months after we started dating, we took a road trip to Detroit (niece’s wedding). We endured every possible horror imaginable: 100 miles of sold-out motels, I had to drive through a flash fire, the motel’s toilet broke, and about four dozen cows lined up in a straight line, tail to nose, evidently waiting for a bus. If our relationship could survive THAT, it could survive anything!
R. Maheras
April 22, 2010 - 12:32 pm
I hate flying for all of the reasons Mike mentioned. Ironically, these days I have to fly more often than ever.
Bah, humbug!
Mike Gold
April 22, 2010 - 2:49 pm
And you were in the Air Force. The stuff you see at airports that the rest of us wouldn’t notice…
R. Maheras
April 22, 2010 - 4:53 pm
True… I’ve seen aircraft stripped down to just the frame at depot-level maintenance facilities, and in all stages inbetween. I will say this about the Air Force maintainers — from everything I’ve seen over the years, they take real good care of the planes. They HAVE to in this budgetary environment, I guess. Many of the aerial-refueling tankers, the B-52, and a number of other aircraft were originally built in the 1950s; many of the cargo aircraft like the C-5 and C-130 were built in the 1960s; and most of the USAF fighters/attack aircraft, such as the F-15, F-16 and A-10, were built in the 1970s. And while all of these aircraft have upgraded avionics and some have more modern engines, it’s sobering to realize that if these aircraft were cars, they’d all qualify for “Classics” license plates.