The Wrong Nigga To Fuck With, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #163

April 16, 2010 Michael Davis 0 Comments

Anyone who has read this column over the last three plus years knows that I HATE criminals. Because of personal circumstances I have zero tolerance for criminals especially violent criminals. I’ve also written about white-collar criminals whom I think should be punished with much more than the slaps on the wrists that we are punishing them with now. If you steal someone’s identity then you should face real hard time right next to Bubba who I hope is making you his bitch.

Since Sunday I’ve been suffering from a massive migraine, this is also not new to my readers in fact my readers are familiar with a few recurring themes to my rants, the GOP, crime, personal responsibility, hero worship, my own flaws, Asian women and my migraines to name just a few.

Migraines for me are terrible for a few reasons, believe it or not the pain is the least of the reasons I hate them. First and foremost in the long list of why I hate migraines is they prevent me from working. I can’t see so I can’t write, I can’t paint, I can’t draw, I can’t do anything. I know some people think I can’t write, I can’t paint, I can’t draw when I’m feeling just fine so not being able to produce and feed the ire of the ever growing Michael Davis haters out there is something that really bugs me also.

I came down with my migraine Sunday night. I was in pain all night Sunday and all day Monday. As is my custom when having a migraine, I lay in a dark room prying for death (or praying to hear that a ‘Tea Party’ was ruined because one of those idiots actually read something not written by another ‘Tea Party’ idiot and then asked a question) I was laid (never thought I would use that word to describe pain…oh wait I have) anyway I was laid out with nothing to do so I started to make mental plans so when I felt better I would be able to make up my lost time with sheer enthusiasm.

I will admit I’m fairly sure that my headaches are brought on by me because of the pressures I impose on myself. The only good thing that comes out of being laid up for a few days is my body is forced to rest. Because I’m a idiot (not to be confused with ‘Tea Bagger’  idiots who still have no idea that term means to have someone balls in your face) the moment I feel better I impose more things upon myself so I can look forward to another headache in the not too distance future. This time I was determined not to repeat that stupid cycle of stress that would side track me again so soon.

On Tuesday morning I was felling pretty darn good! In fact I was feeling so good I opened all the curtains and blinds in my house and let the sun shine in. Well that’s not really true. I opened all the curtains and blinds and let the gray skies in. It was overcastted in L.A. and I was hoping for rain. I LOVE to work when it’s raining.

Love it!

So this day started really wonderful, I had decided to take it easy and just work on some things that were fun and would surely not trigger a headache! I checked my email, a wide smile creasing my lovely handsome face. OMG! I mean OH MY GOD! More good news!! David Quinn had sent me his overview on a project we are working on with Mike Gold! Happy Day!

Wait a sec…is there more good news? Why yes there is!! David has informed me that the Society Of Illustrators wants to stock the book we co-wrote, The Littlest Bitch!

Wait one cotton-picking (something I’m sure Tea Baggers wants me to do) minute…is there MORE good news? Why yes there is!! On Wednesday night there is a red carpet dinner I’m invited to and there are ALWAYS hot Asian women at red carpet events! I would do the happy dance but I’m sure my blood pressure would shoot up and the odds of me getting a headache from all this good stuff would increase.

Just then the phone rings.

I’m felling so good I don’t even check the caller ID! SHIT! Have I made a mistake and ruined my good day with a call from someone I don’t want to talk to?

SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!

“May I speak to Michael Davis?”

S H I T!! This is some damn official call. It’s someone calling about something that will require me paying attention. I can feel my head start to throb. I hate my day being interrupted with crap from people I have to pay attention to-damn it. I have to take the call because it may be that someone I love is in trouble or worst…

SHIT!!!

“This is Michael Davis, who’s calling?”

Yes who’s the motherfucker who ruined my day with some shit I have to pay attention to? What- is the warranty up on the goddamn VHS I brought in 1980? I was 3 in 1980 Jean BTW. Is this the damn L.A. Times trying to sell me a subscription again? How many times do I have to tell you people I’m from New York and compared to The New York Times The L.A Times is the Penny Saver. Am I your daddy and you tracked me down after all these years because your mom just died and you read her diary and wanted to meet the only man that ever made her happy and you want a relationship with me because your step dad was a nice enough guy but you feel a need to know your true father?

SHIT. I’m not in the mood for any of this shit.

“Mr. Davis…” No motherfucker that’s DOCTOR DAVIS and as soon as you try and talk me into joining the Church of Scientology I’m going to let you know that.

“Mr. Davis, this is Capitol One…”

OMG!!! This is GREAT news! My credit standing with Capitol One is OUTSTANDING!!! I LOVE Capitol One!! They must be calling to offer me something grand! My head stops throbbing, this is good news!

“Mr. Davis, this is Capitol One and we feel there may be a problem with your credit card.”

The really nice woman from Capitol One went on to detail clear fraud on my account. Someone had cloned my card and had a field day shopping on my dime.

My head exploded.

Then I realized something, I realized I KNEW where my card had been compromised. I noticed I’d been given two different receipts with two different totals at a restaurant the week before. When I asked the server about the receipts she gave me some double talk about some shit and I made a note on both of the receipts JUST in case there was an issue later.

Got cha you fucking bitch!

I’ve passed this information on to Capitol One and asked them to keep me informed regarding the investigation. I don’t care if it’s a credit card ring operating out of this restaurant or a kid from high school getting his or her kicks I’m making SURE these people get jail time. I’m not only going to insist there motherfuckers pay with jail time  I’m going to do IT LOUDLY.

I’m SICK of people who pray on others for ANY reason. Just as soon as I’m sure these people get what’s coming to them I’m going to broadcast that shit to the heavens. God help you if you are some snot face kid who saw an easy way to get over. FUCK you if you are a career criminal and wanted an easy score. F U C K Y O U. You have chosen the wrong victim asshole, now it’s MY turn.

You know, my head is feeling better.