Why Tiger Woods Is Glad He’s Not Me, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #162
April 9, 2010 Michael Davis 13 Comments
Besides the fact that next to him I’m dirt poor and not well known.
Besides those two minor differences Tiger Woods is glad he is not me because I don’t love any THING ( not person mind you) that would let someone talk shit about me especially if they were making MILLIONS offmy name.
The Chairman of Augusta National Golf Club, Billy Payne talked some major shit about Tiger the other day.
If I were Tiger Woods, I’d say to him “Fuck you and that once racist bullshit old guard organization you run!”
I’d also answered his statements like so:
Payne said:
“He disappointed all of us, and more importantly, our kids and our grandkids. Our hero did not live up to the expectations of the role model we saw for our children.”
If I were Tiger I’d say:
“Fuck you. You think many kids would be watching this lame ass sport if not for ME? I disappointed MY WIFE, MY FAMILY, MY SELF and THE MEMORY of my father. I’m not responsible for your damn kids, bitch.”
Payne said:
“ No one is bigger than the game.”
If I were Tiger I’d say:
“ I am. Go any where on the planet and ask anyone to name a golfer. You think the first person they will name is Arnold Palmer? If you don’t play golf and you have even heard of Arnold Palmer you think it’s a drink. EVERYBODY knows I’m a golfer regardless if they have any idea what the fuck golf is, so yes I am bigger than the game…bitch.”
Payne said:
“But as he now says himself, he forgot in the process to remember that with fame and fortune comes responsibility, not invincibility. It is not simply the degree of his conduct that is so egregious here.”
If I were Tiger I’d say:
“ How the fuck would you know what I’ve forgotten? If I take out my dick and used that to hit the ball during the Masters tournament then you can talk about my conduct but what I do with my dick out side of your pussy ass green is none of your business…bitch.”
I’d like to say something to Mr. Payne. Mr. Payne, if you think that Tiger is such a horrible role model why don’t you ban him from playing? I mean you don’t want kids looking up to that horrible man with the big black dick do you?
Why don’t you ban him?
The Kids are watching, why don’t you band him?
The Kids, YOUR KIDS, OH MY GOD YOUR GRAND KIDS!!!!
I’ll tell you why, because Tiger Woods IS GOLF, you fucking hypocrite. Tell your goddamn kids to stop sucking down those mint juleps and watch the Disney Channel like the poor kids…bitch.
Alan Coil
April 9, 2010 - 8:11 am
I love your anger. I understand anger.
Jonathan (the other one)
April 9, 2010 - 10:09 am
Mr. Payne, my children *have* a role model, thank you very much.
He’s sitting in front of his computer right now, typing these words (in between helping his toddler use the toilet and getting his daughter a glass of juice). I decline to abdicate my responsibilities, handing them over to some sports figure.
If Tiger Woods has failed as a role model, this pertains only to his *own* children, Mr. Payne. If your grandchildren have been using Mr. Woods as their model, this is a failure on the part of your own children, their parents, not on the part of Mr. Woods.
MOTU
April 9, 2010 - 12:23 pm
Alan, as Kirk said; ” I like my pain, I NEED my pain!”
Reg
April 9, 2010 - 12:27 pm
J-TOO said… “If your grandchildren have been using Mr. Woods as their model, this is a failure on the part of your own children, their parents, not on the part of Mr. Woods.”
Truth.
MOTU
April 9, 2010 - 12:29 pm
Other Jonathan,
Well, said and good luck with the potty training. I masted the toilet when I was around 7 mont…OK! OK! Damn you all- I was a bed wetter until I was about 7 YEARS OLD. There, I said it!!
Everybody happy????
I guess my days as a blank, bad word another bad word, more bad words, REAL bad word, are over!!!
MOTU
April 9, 2010 - 12:31 pm
I meant to say;
“I guess my days as a blank, bad word another bad word, more bad words, REAL bad word, ROLE MODEL are over!!!
Mike Gold
April 9, 2010 - 12:48 pm
“Why Tiger Woods Is Glad He’s Not Michael Davis?”
Probably because Mr. Davis is into Asian girls, and evidently Mr. Woods is not.
Whitney
April 9, 2010 - 12:48 pm
You know what’s more evil than failing morally and hurting people who love you? A conniving opportunist who intrudes later to pick the scabs off the wounds of a family in order to bleed out more publicity. The title CELEBRITY WHORE never found a better fit.
To call him a bitch is to give bitch a bad name.
MOTU
April 9, 2010 - 1:20 pm
Whitney…
Damn!!
Alan Coil
April 9, 2010 - 1:55 pm
“Probably because Mr. Davis is into Asian girls, and evidently Mr. Woods is not.”
But, but, but…TMZ tells me Tiger was into all kinds of girls.
Reg
April 9, 2010 - 2:13 pm
@ Alan – The exception being Cablasian women.
Vinnie Bartilucci
April 9, 2010 - 3:33 pm
Tiger did something that we have been told is bad. So there has to be a semblance of reprecussion. He has to say he’s sorry, (only thinking to himself the words “…I got caught”) and the sponsors have to make like it’s a big deal.
If he had played himself as a mack daddy all along, it wouldn’t have been so bad. But he set himself up as a family man, a squeaky clean guy in whose mouth butter would not melt. People are more upset they were lied to than in what he did. It also gave a lot of small-minded people somwthing to say “you see?” about for quite some time.
None of that should matter. He hits a ball with a stick for a living. He shouldn’t be a role model to anyone other than others who want to grow up and hit a ball with a stick. And even then they should only emulating his swing, not his propensity to swing.
Everybody, save for the news media, is hoping this all just goes away. Nobody’s making money while this is happening, and in this country, that’s the start and end of conversation. The media is keeping it hot because they have 24 hours a day to fill. Stuff which was never news before is news now. I imagine Tiger sent a very nice thank you card to Jesse James for turning America’s head, if only for a moment.
Tiger can’t just tell everybody to fuck off because he too wants to make more money. And there’s very few people who people will still give money to, no matter WHAT they do. The Undertaker in the WWE, I think he’s about it. They kept trying to turn him heel, people kept cheering like mad. He could come out with his dick up a dead baby’s ass, and they’d cheer. The guy’s indestructible.
Let Tiger drop a hole-in-one (OK, that sounded dirty) or two in his first game back and see how fast all that talk vanishes. But if he doesn’t DOMINATE in that first match, all we’re gonna hear is about his mistakes. People will start saying he’s washed up, he’ll never come back from this, yadda yadda. Eventually someone in the PGA is going to suggest (behind closed doors) getting him laid again, seeing as it’s messing up his game.
I wanna see him do a commercial that totally ranks on the whole thing. Like he’s trying to tee off, and everything he sees looks like boobs, or an ass, or a rampant tallywhacker. A pair of balls on the ground, spreading branches of a tree, the crack of dawn, everything loaded with double-entendre like a Benny Hill sketch. Eventually he races off the tee and into the clubhouse and grabs a Coke.
“When you REALLY need a break, reach for Coke.”
And then he notices the bottle looks like a pretty girl in a bathing suit.
Mike Gold
April 9, 2010 - 4:15 pm
This whole role model thing just pisses me off. It’s pissed me off forever. Babe Ruth was a philanderer, a drunk, a gambler and a pig but he was Role Model Poster Boy #1. Ty Cobb? When it comes to racists, Hitler had nothing on him. But cigarette companies flocked to put his image on baseball cards that were packed with the coffin nails. Which means it’s about time we let Joe Camel off the hook.
Hockey players aren’t seen as role models. What do the Canadians understand that we don’t?
You wanna know how I met Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? I met him coming out of my boss’s apartment at 7 in the morning when I went to pick her up for a flight to Boston. He shot me a genuinely embarrassed look. I thought that was cute. “Hey, kids, don’t look at Abdul-Jabbar as a role model — he’s a boss-fucker!” Right.