A Giant Problem, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #75
May 11, 2010 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 0 Comments
Dear Art & Chris,
You guys might have heard about some trouble I got into last week. The cops say I had sex with a 16 year-old prostitute. I have recently admitted to paying her for sex but I didn’t have sex with her and I had no idea she was 16. I don’t really understand what the big deal is? She lied to me; isn’t it really her problem? I even have a good track record on this. When I sent hookers to the hotels of opposing teams they were always of age. Art and Chris I have the best legal representation money can buy but I need some help on the media side. What should I do here guys?
-Lawrence Taylor
Lawrence,
You’re famous. Famous and rich. Have you considered going to a college campus or this time of year crashing some proms? If you want some barely legal ass I bet you could get some for free. Then you would be committing zero crimes. Sure 51 year-old Lawrence Taylor sleeps with 17 year-olds would an embarrassing story but nowhere near as embarrassing as Lawrence Taylor pays to rape children. Next time you have this itch just go to a college bar and hit on some freshmen. If you’re ever in Hempstead, Long Island give us a call and we’ll tell you where you can go.
Next, don’t bid on prostitutes. According to the NY Daily News you were willing to pay double the girl’s regular rate to see her that night when she had been booked to see another client. Have some dignity man there’s no way you needed to get laid that badly at that exact moment. Furthermore, double this girl’s regular rate was $300. That had to be a red flag. Never spend less on a prostitute than you would on television for your guest bedroom. You’re worth it dude; your peace of mind is worth it.
The secret to getting out of this is to call attention to the fact that you are by far the least evil man associated with this crime. The alleged pimp, Rasheed Davis, is a monster. He’s a pimp for under aged prostitutes. He sells potential Johns on these girls by taking indecent pictures of them and posting them on the Internet. He also beat the girl immediately before delivering her to your room. You might look really bad here but if we had to rebuild the image of Hitler we would do it by comparing him to someone who is unquestionably worse, someone like Karl Rove. Make sure you mention how terrible Rasheed Davis is during every interview on this subject.
The worst part of this for you is that no one is saying this is unbelievable or completely out of your character. You built your professional career by being willing to do whatever it took to get an edge. Now people think you’d do whatever in this situation as well. You’ve never seemed to much care what people thought about you before and really this will just add to your bad boy image. You’re just going to have to endure some jokes for a while and then remind people you were the scariest linebacker of all time and that’s all anyone ever wanted out of you anyway.
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Art and Chris host a night of improv comedy tonight (5/11). The Scratch Show @ Hollywood Billiards. 5750 Hollywood Blvd. Los Angeles. 8-10pm