Getting Better, by Q. Reyes – Artistic Warfare #71

May 30, 2010 Q. Reyes 0 Comments

This past week has been a very emotionally trying week for me.  Dealing with a break up and adjusting back to digging into myself to discover what it is that I want in my life.

I’ve learned the hard way of all the things I don’t want in my life, yet I find it so difficult to pinpoint what it is that I do want.  I know I have everything I need, but I don’t want everything I need. I want everything I want.

I’m through with serious relationships. I’ve tried them all my life and I’m obviously not cut out for them.  Yet, I do want a deeper connection than just a physical or casual connection.  I’m not sure how to explain myself eloquently enough to make sense.  I want beautiful, smart women in my life, yet I don’t want to be with them.  The problem is that beautiful, smart women are not going to stick around for someone operating at that level of selfishness.

So here I am.  I’m making a list of what I want.  In a few hours of working on the list, I only got a couple of things on my list.  I want someone beautiful and smart (not necessarily in that order).  The fact is that I don’t know what I want, and I can’t figure it out.

All of my life I’ve just lived.  Whatever happens, happens.  I adjust.  Now I’m trying to not have just anything happen, but to have what I WANT to happen.

I’m at a really good place in my life right now.  I’m a single male in Los Angeles with my own TV show, no kids, and no prison record.  Yet I don’t know how to take advantage of my situation.  I know so many guys that want to do what I’m doing and live the life I live, but I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

I wouldn’t change everything I have for anything in the world.  Yet I’m not satisfied yet.  I feel like there’s so much more that I still don’t have.  I just don’t know what it is I’m missing.

I’ve been doing a lot of new things as of lately.  I’ve been writing a lot – from scripts to songs.  I’ve been truly inspired by all the events taking place in my life.  I’m learning so much about me, and realizing that there’s still so much more I don’t know.

I’m enjoying this journey, but I wish I knew where I was going.  Does everyone go through this, or am I destined to live in uncertainty all of my life?