Lohan-ging Fruit, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #77

May 25, 2010 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 1 Comment

Dear Art & Chris,

This week I missed a court date and, as a result, have been forced to wear an ankle monitor at all times to insure my sobriety. In addition I will be subject to random drug tests. To top it off, even with this I could still be found in violation of my probation for not completing an alcohol education program. You guys are known teetotalers, how can I have fun without alcohol or drugs? Once I’ve figured that out, how can I climb back to the top.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay,

Maybe you should be less concerned about how to have fun these days and more concerned with salvaging you now toxic career. We would tell you that your friends aren’t just interested in you because of your drinking and that they’re interested in the real you but more and more it looks like getting drunk is all you do. Although sometimes you’re on drugs and lately you’ve been making out with a lot of girls. We’re not really sure what a conversation with you would be like but we’ve provided a fake transcript.

Us: Hey Lindsay, how’s it going?

Lindsay: Do you guys know a good bar around here?

Us: Yeah we like this place Birds a couple blocks from here, but maybe…

At this point the transcript was interrupted because you disappeared in a Road Runner-esque dust cloud.

As far as regaining your standing in Hollywood you should do what every celebrity does when they’re on the rocks, put on 15 pounds, wear ugly makeup and win an Oscar. You’ll be an Academy darling because of the sacrifices you made for the roll. Honestly though it looks like you could put on 15 pounds just by not partying so damn hard. Better make it 30. If this doesn’t sound like your cup of tea MTV announced that they want a new cast for the third season of Jersey Shore and you’re from Long Island. This would probably not be a cure for your alcoholism and more like a resignation that you’ll die in your 30s. Your court-mandated sobriety should be long over by then.

You’ve fallen victim to the horrible lifestyle that Hollywood generates for young people. You were given far too much far too fast without anything resembling a decent support system and, predictably, fell in to the wrong habits. It’s an absolute shame that this has robbed you of what could have been a promising career. We both liked Mean Girls and you in it. Unfortunately it seems that instead of being the next Cameron Diaz you’re more like a female Mickey Rourke. Not that that’s a death sentence or anything. We think you’d be awesome as Emma Frost in 15 years. Just don’t take her moniker as The White Queen as permission to do any more blow.