Robin (Heart) Catwoman, by Whitney Farmer – Un Pop Culture

May 27, 2010 Whitney Farmer 11 Comments

Last week, Google labeled dating websites with the word ‘cougar’— championing older women/younger men pairings — in them as ‘nonfamily safe’. This administrative action effectively prohibits advertising placement for these related businesses from approximately 6,700 content websites.  Tellingly, this ‘nonfamily safe’ determination is not given to websites that promote romantic connections of older men with younger women. A May 19^th article in the New York Times noted that Sugar Daddies / jailbait relationships are acceptable, while Mrs. Robinson should be ashamed of herself.

No one has yet called me the ‘C’ word – as in cougar.  I realized about six months ago that I could earn this…post-graduate degree appellation?…because of two developments:

First, I haven’t died yet.

Second, all the men in the world who are younger than me haven’t died yet either.

There used to be a time when the one key essential variable in romantic relationships was geographic proximity.  The weird hybrid hook-ups that have developed around the internet aside, this is still a constant you can bet on.  So, whoever we set our affections on must at some moment come across our path.  I work in an environment where I encounter a wide variety of men of all ages.  But who will capture my attention, and then my affection? Could I be with a younger man and feel like he could pull his own weight, or that I could have the permission to be weak around him ever – an inevitable occurrence for both partners when you work through a lifetime of living?

Here is what I know: Wisdom is attractive, and strength is attractive. So is creativity. And kindness is almost irresistible. It used to be that I would go out with a guy if he very simply had the courage to ask me out in a polite and straightforward manner. None of these qualities are connected to age, but are completely dependent on how a person chooses to respond to the world. During shows that feature older, classic artists, it is interesting to interact with the older audience. Whatever choices these people have made over a lifetime of decisions are etched in their faces and actions: They are carefree or inflexible, gracious or judgmental, generous or entitled.  Some are attractive, and some are not. And I am attracted to them for the same reasons that I might be attracted to a man who is younger than me.

While giving a statement to the police recently over an incident, a police officer asked me my birth date and then explained that it was necessary for their paperwork.  I told him not to apologize because cougars are very popular, that I was a hot commodity. Google’s decision gives an impression that there is a victim/predator interaction that is salacious and unacceptable.  Can I tell you how tough it is to peel out of the drunken embrace of a ‘cub’ when he has set his affections on you?  And most cougars don’t have a security force like I do to help them escape.  During some shows that are frequented by older customers, we joke about it being a Cougar Night, and that our younger male staff are being scoped out like milk-fed veal. I jokingly tell them that I am worried about them and will keep them safe. But it is remarkable how many of them show up early for work, and better dressed than usual, and stay after they have punched the clock.  And the best way I can describe their body language is that they are lounging. They want to be noticed, and they are almost fascinated by women who are older than them.

I can’t thoroughly speculate about why a man wants to be with a woman who is older than him.  If asked, the answer would probably be censored for my delicate ears for the ordinary reasons. I can assume that perhaps a woman is interesting if she has had enough experiences to give her extra colors of thread in her life tapestry…?

A few days after I was interviewed by the cop, he came back to the club just to see how things were going.  He told me about a new study that said that men who married younger women lived longer, but that women who married younger men died sooner.  He asked me opinion of it, if I knew why.  I told him that I supposed that guys wear us out.  But that might be okay.  After all, having a long life isn’t necessarily the goal.  It’s what you do with it.  To put it another way, perhaps size doesn’t matter.

Quote of the Blog, from Ed Butler, Dude of Light and Fog, while listening to a Death Metal singer growl about his love for satan: “That poor guy. His throat sounds really sore. Maybe he needs a lozenge.”

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Whitney runs a rock music club in L.A. She has an MBA but still makes math errors.