Deep in the Mouth of Texas, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #82

June 29, 2010 Arthur Tebbel 2 Comments

Dear Art,
We’ve caught some flack lately for some of the language in our platform for this year. Specifically we included language opposing the legalization of sodomy. Also despite the fact that gay marriage licenses are not recognized in our state we are pushing to criminalize issuing these licenses. We want to make it punishable by time in prison. Finally, we are pushing to shut down strip clubs and ban all pornography. How can we sell this to our electorate?
-Steve Munisteri, Chairman, Republican Party of Texas

Steve,
The hardest part is going to be explaining to people why you’ve arrested their children. I bet you don’t see the immediate connection but kids who take abstinence pledges (like the ones in your sex ed classes) are way more likely to engage in anal sex than kids who haven’t. That’s not even taking into account oral sex; kids are doing that, probably your kids.

So you’ve converted all your high schools into prisons and devoted a couple offices to teaching your young people who are actually not engaging in sodomy. That’s great, now you can start arresting the vast majority of the rest of your population. I would take a page from Arizona and just start busting into people’s house if you have a reasonable suspicion. Get a list from your local jewelers and go to work. This would probably make for the best season of Cops ever.

But let’s assume you can get this past people. The rest of this is kind of an easy sell. You’re making it illegal to do something that isn’t allowed. Are there rogue judges in your state issuing gay marriage licenses even though it’s illegal? I’d venture that isn’t happening. You’ve just painted yourself into a corner with all your anti-gay rhetoric over the years and need a new way to bang that old drum. You’ll forgive the expression. I’m sure we’re just four years away from a plank in your platform guaranteeing that gay felons go to prison. Or maybe straight people will get to cut in front of gay people at the DMV.

As for shutting down all the strip clubs and eliminating pornography well good fucking luck. You’d be better off sticking your finger in the dyke. That might be the worst possible metaphor for this conversation. Anyway, I would lecture you about not being able to play the small government card and the bedroom police card but that’s been done more times than I’d care to count by people way more eloquent on the subject than I am. I will point out that the secret ballot pretty much ensures that the people clamoring for you to ban pornography will never actually vote for it.

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Art hosts The Scratch Show every Tuesday night.  8pm at Hollywood Billiards.  5750 Hollywood Boulevard.