Fresh Meat: Comic-Con 4 Newbies, By Whitney Farmer – Un Pop Culture

July 21, 2010 Whitney Farmer 29 Comments

Whitney runs a rock music venue on the beach in L.A. She has to work this weekend.

“Twas the night before Comic-Con,

and all through the Club

not a nerd was around

and there was the rub.

The box office is dark

where they take cash from the Goths.

By San Diego they’re drawn

As flames do to moths…”

I’m missing the Con this year. With resigned bitterness, I watch with envy as others get their shifts covered so they can walk the slow moving whirlpool that is the convention floor. They’ll have first dibs on swag, first glances at previews and a front row seat to all that is strange and wonderful in a culture that doesn’t kill people for being creative. When they come back, I’ll forgive them in exchange for them telling me about having barbeque with Klingons and dancing with Stormtroopers.

I have serious nerd cred. As some might know, I dated a guy because he was on one of the “Star Trek”s. He put THE Gorn on the phone when they were having lunch to say ”hi” to me. Another guy once took me on a date to Vasquez Rocks off the 14 which has been used as a good cheat for most alien planets since the dawn of television. I have the original newspaper ad for the first Star Wars movie from my hometown paper. I owned and wrecked a first generation of kids’ lightsabers. I had pumpkin pie at Dupar’s in the Farmer’s Market with ‘Apollo’ from the “Who Mourns for Adonis?” episode. I have a friggin’ Star Fleet Technical Manual and Concordance, and an insignia posted in my office.

Rather than get depressed, I will pull a Paul Muad’Dib from “Dune” and ‘bend like a reed in the wind’ and let someone else occupy my destined spot at the Con. In fact, I’ll even pass on some wisdom I have gathered over the years. For those of you new to Comic-Con, here is some advice:

Wear a bag that has a shoulder strap. It lets you store swag and swords more easily.

For Kirk’s sake, wear comfortable shoes. There is nothing worse than seeing a werewolf or Geiger’s alien crumbled against the wall in a corner because they just can’t bear to walk on stilts anymore. It spoils the fantasy. As cool as weird backwards, dog-like knees look on 8-foot monsters, don’t do it if you can’t DO it.

Carry water with you. It’s stunning how impossible it is to get a drink when you are hanging out with your closest 185,000 friends.

Be prepared for superhero pop quizzes. You will need to answer “In a fight between X and Y, who would win?” and rationally justify your answer. Failure will banish you from Con society.

Be prepared to sit on the floor. It actually can be the best way to watch the spectacle.

Be prepared to sleep on the street. Hotel rooms can disappear. Since going home is unthinkable and it’s only four hours till dawn after the last call, embrace this as part of the adventure. But don’t go off to an area by yourself: Homeless people sleep together for safety. Plus, you might wake up wrapped in a free clean toasty blanket from a local mission. I did.

Think twice about dressing in costume if you plan on doing any business there. It’s tough to pitch with sufficient gravitas while dressed in a puffy shirt.

Take advantage of the access to original art and the creators. Spend money on the real thing since they are all in the same room with you.

The Starbuck’s on the far south end of the convention center usually has half the line at any given time.

Honor the nerd. Do not dis the dork. In this land, they…we?…rule. I was once asked by a film crew what was the most important superpower to possess (another common pop quiz). I said, “the ability to date a real girl.” From the looks on their faces, it was as if I had kicked a puppy. And my clip didn’t make the cut. They won.

To the Con Newbies, the Raw Meat of Pop Culture, understand that you will be strangers in a strange land. To further emphasize the point, I submit the following exhibit in “Twilight Zone” style. This is an excerpt of the official policy of the Con regarding costume weapons. Where else in our lives would we need this type of instruction?…

Important Rules About Costumes with Weapons

No functional weapons are allowed at Comic-Con International.

Simulated or costume weapons are allowed as a part of your costume subject to prior approval by security and compliance with the following:

All costume weapons must be inspected at the security station in Lobby E.

All costume weapons must conform to state and federal law.

Projectile costume weapons must be rendered inoperable.

Costume swords will be tied to your costume in such a way that they can’t be drawn.

After each person’s costume weapon has been checked, it is tagged by security and you will be given a wristband to wear to designates that your weapons have been checked. Security will escort you to the security station for inspection if your costume weapon is not tagged.

If you do not want to have your costume weapons inspected or tagged, or you are not willing to comply with the foregoing, please do not bring your costume weapons.

A Happy Con to you, and to All a Good Night!

Quote of the Blog from Ed, Dude of Light and Fog: “My Grammie told me once that she used to smoke muggles in the speakeasy.”