Under The Influence, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #190
October 22, 2010 Michael Davis 0 Comments
I’m so damn sick.
I get sick twice a year like clockwork and here I go again. This time it’s a bit different this time I’m really sick. REALLY sick. I have not been this sick in years. I’ve got the mother of all flues. My doctor told me if I was just a bit sicker he would suggest I spend the night in the hospital.
Why’s that doc? So I can sweat like a pig in a hospital bed at $4000.00 a night or some such number? No, thanks dude, I’ll pass.
I’ve lost 8 pounds since I’ve been laid up in bed over the last week. Right now I’m FLYING on antibiotics, fluids and enough other shit to get me AND my doctor banned from the NFL, NBA and almost banned from baseball. Hey, I’m drugged I’m not that drugged. To get banned from baseball you have to shoot up during the pre and post show game show while being interviewed on air.
You may ask, “Master Of The Universe, if you are so sick then why are you writing this?” I’m HIGH that’s why. I’m drugged. I’m under the influence. Or as they say in the hood…
I’m ALL fucked up.
Every single artist, writer, or anyone who is driven by a career they like, will tell you that being sick is just another way to dodge phone calls. When artists (FUCK yes, I’m an artist dammit) get really sick the very first time we feel better (because of the drugs) we think we are better. We feel better (because of the drugs) so therefore we must BE better.
Right?
No.
I’m so HIGH now that I THINK I’m better even as I write this but I KNOW I’m not better…IT’S BECAUSE OF THE DRUGS!
You know what? I curse WAY to much…fuck. ??F U C K!!!!!!!!
I’m going to work on that, really. Fuck yeah. Really. Hey, I’m not that high that I don’t realize what I have here. What do I have here? I have a free pass…here. I can write anything I want and get away with it, BECAUSE OF THE DRUGS!
It’s what guys call a FREE PASS. Guys the next time your girl bitches you out for something you can prove is not true or you can prove you have not done, do NOT take the ‘I’m sorry’ pussy. Yeah, I said pussy. I’m HIGH damnit!! Pussypussypussy…pussy!
Yes, I am capable of making a point (even high) without using profanity. See for yourself…
Don’t take the “I’m sorry ” sex. (See? I am not an animal) No, don’t take the “I’m sorry” Lovemaking. (See? I can show restraint) Don’t succumb to the, “I’m sorry.” Butt plug.
What?
Butt plug???
What do you expect? I’M HIGH!!
Don’t give into any of these evil ways women have been controlling you with, instead hold out for the FREE PASS. If I have to explain what a free pass is then, you are higher and sicker than me.
Here are a few things that have been bugging me lately. YES, I’m a horrible speller, SO WHAT? Michael Jordan did not make his high school basketball team. If I were MJ I would drive by the trailer park where the high school couch lives. I’d get on a loud speaker and shout “ I’m a BILLIONAIRE bitch!! From playing BASKETBALL!! You said I sucked, YOU suck. So THERE!!!”
How many book deals do YOU have good speller critic? Also, don’t blame me for these typos blame Tatiana she proofs this shit. Man, if ANY of the books I’m writing become a best seller then I’m going BUCK WILD with my loud speaker. “No, I CAN’T SPELL but who gives a fuck America can’t read…BITCH!” I’ll say something mean and clever like that. I’m high I can’t really think.
Another thing bugging me is the amount of people telling me how to get better. Telling me I’m still sick because I don’t listen to them. If you are not a doctor I’m not listening to you…period. Man, people come on. NO ONE listens to anyone when they are PAYING someone else to cure them. Or to put it another way, If I’m shot I’m calling 911 NOT YOU.
Don, I love you man but really. I’ll take a bullet for you but I am NOT listening to you lecture me on WHY I get sick and how to get better by, “Having lots of sex.”
That’s how I got sick smartass and YES it is the flu…I think…hope…FUCK!!
Also people STOP asking me if I got the deal I was talking about a few weeks ago. It does not look good. BUT don’t cry for me (I would not hear you over my cries anyhow) I’ll be just fine. I’m not bitter, shit I have plenty to do and life is good.
Something else bugging me so let me ask my Latino brothers and sisters something.
Really.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU VOTE GOP WHEN NOT A SINGLE MEMBER OF THE GOP VOTED FOR THE FIRST LATINO SURPREME COURT JUDGE??
I’ll wait.
Really, I’ll wait.
That reminds me, I have to travel back in time so I can vote against Lincoln.
Oh, what the heck, life is to good ( and I’m to high) to be worried about any of this shit.
How good is life? I’m writing major books for major publishers and I can’t spell.
That good. 😉
Martha Thomases
October 22, 2010 - 7:38 am
You’re sweating all night when you’re trying to sleep? Are you sure it’s not menopause?
R. Maheras
October 22, 2010 - 10:05 am
You ARE on drugs, MOTU.
Nine Republican senators voted to confirm Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court.
By contrast, only six Democrat senators voted to confirm Bush’s pick of Alberto Gonzalez for attorney general — even though it was widely viewed that Gonzalez was a moderate.
And while we’re on the topic of Supreme Court diversity, the Democrats can’t crow much. Despite the fact that blacks traditionally vote overwhelmingly Democratic, Democrats have only named one black Supreme Court justice ever, Thurgood Marshall — and that was 43 years ago. The Republicans only have had one as well, Clarence Thomas, but he’s a current member. As far as women go, the Democrats have more to crow about, as there are currently three women on the court — all Democratic nominees. But to be fair, Reagan nominated the first female justice to the court back in 1981.
Doug Abramson
October 22, 2010 - 10:17 am
MOTU,
I’m sick too. You must of infected me in secret with your Death Ray. What did I do?
MOTU
October 22, 2010 - 10:30 am
R. Maheras said;
‘Nine Republican senators voted to confirm Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court.
I stand corrected sir.
Yes, 9 out of 41 voted for her. True, but I’d hate to be given those odds by my doctor.
Clearly the vast majority of the GOP is not Latino, black, gay or mexican friendly. In fact there is an current ad by the Right telling Latinos NOT to vote at all. WTF? How fucked up is a TV ad telling ANY group of people ( and minorities to boot!) NOT to vote. Because they vote Democratic they tell they not to vote at all?
Man, that’s straight out of Bagdad.
Also Clarence Thomas is in my opinion the text book definition of Uncle Tom. His wife asked Anita Hill to apologize this week for her testimony during his confirmation.
Really?
Man I hope to God the cool, calm and professional Ms. Hill issues the following statement.
“Bitch kiss my ass like your husband wanted to!”
MOTU
October 22, 2010 - 10:32 am
Doug,
Sorry. my bad, I was aiming for a Tea Party Rally.
Doug Abramson
October 22, 2010 - 11:02 am
MOTU,
That’s OK then. I can take one for the team. When you’re better, please try again and nail those bastards.
Felix Serrano
October 22, 2010 - 11:27 am
Holy shit Davis, the rant of all rants! Take a warm milk and vinegar enema and call me in the morning.
MOTU
October 22, 2010 - 12:50 pm
Felix,
This is a rant but the rant of ALL rants was when a certain comic book company wronged me and I went nuclear. Man, I was lucky I didn’t faint from my blood pressure shooting up.
Yes, they paid for that mistake…big time.
Then there was the rant I gave to Continental Airlines when I checked in at 6 am for a 9pm flight, I was told I was bumped from my FIRST class seat until a 2pm flight. The plane was fine they just bumped me.
That kinda defeats the purpose of ALL the meeting I had in New York. I asked another attendant how many people had checked in for my 6 am flight I was told I was the second.
I then asked WHY I was bumped fro my FIRST CLASS $3000.00 round trip ticket ( AHHH Motown) and I was told I just was. I asked to see a manager and asked him if Continental Airlines had a problem with Black people.
I was told ‘Of course not.” I then asked if they had a problem with NIGGERS flying because I could SEE NO REASON why I had to wait until 6pm when I had a FIRST CLASS $3000.00 round trip ticket and I was the second person checking in to first class for a flight which did not leave for another 2 fucking hours?
I then added, before you answer know that I’m NOT a rapper nor do I play basketball so think long and hard why I am on the same flight EVERY week ( before Motown Animation moved to L.A.) sitting in first class.
They printed my ticket for the 6 am flight and thought that was it. Nope. My rant got so deep that the next day the V.P of Continental called and gave me all sorts of goodies and a sincere apology.
Fast forward to a few weeks later when I was SITTING in my first class seat and another (real nice white guy) showed up with the exact seat number as me. I was told to give up my seat for this guy. I said, I’m ALREADY SITTING IN THE SEAT why should I leave? Was it a no nigger in First Class when a white guy shows up policy on Continental?. Even the white guy thought that was bullshit. THAT was a RANT and yes more goodies for me.
You would think they would have learned their lesson. NOPE-the very next week they tried the same shit with Queen Latifah.
Mike Gold
October 22, 2010 - 1:33 pm
And now Continental is merging into oblivion. And YOU still have a job. You win, MOTU!
McCarthy
October 22, 2010 - 2:35 pm
Mark my words, the MOTU “antibiotics period” and the resulting posts/rants/major books for major publishers will one day be remembered as fondly as the Beatles’ LSD period.
R. Maheras
October 22, 2010 - 2:35 pm
MOTU wrote: “This is a rant but the rant of ALL rants was when a certain comic book company wronged me and I went nuclear.”
Will that be in your bio-pic? I want to see Denzel throw some weasely comic book exec out the window…
MOTU
October 22, 2010 - 7:11 pm
McCarthy,
LSD? That’s the one thing my doctors have not given me, oh wait a moment…nope got it.
MOTU
October 22, 2010 - 7:14 pm
R. Maheras,
Denzel? Nah,I’m thinking Brad Pitt with a tan. He does comedy much better than Mr. Every movie I’m in must feature a long award winning speech in the middle.
Russ Rogers
October 22, 2010 - 8:04 pm
Get well soon.
Diane
October 22, 2010 - 10:02 pm
Fuck, that was a very entertaining rant. Thanks! And oh, do feel better, but don’t ever go soft on us, ‘kay?
David Quinn
October 23, 2010 - 5:04 am
yow… feel better… and keep the weapons locked up… nice doggy
Reg
October 23, 2010 - 6:57 pm
Michael..true story… as I was reading this (and before I got to the part you riffed on your spelling) I thought to myself,
“Wow, drugs and being sick creates an opposite effect on mOTu’s spelling!”
So I hesitate to point this out, but your article only contained one outright spelling flub and one grammatical oopsie. Sooooo, either you write better on drugs or Tatiana received a raise.
😀 😀
Reg
October 23, 2010 - 7:04 pm
p.s.
Eat More Possum! Good for what ails ya! Or so they say.
Feel better bro.
MOTU
October 24, 2010 - 8:58 pm
Reg,
I think you are right, I’m a much better speller when I’m high. I’m having a brief retrieve from an horrible migraine and I’m going to try replying to some emails and join some of the MDW dialogue because my migraine meds are a powerful drug. Wow -maybe I should try the home hardcore stuff. Let’s see what should I do, some meth? Better not that sounds TOO hardcore. Maybe cocaine? Nope, can’t do that, I can’t even snort nasal spray without gaging. Perhaps, some heroin? Nope, can’t stand needles.
I can’t smoke weed, the thought of smoking ANYTHING makes me sick. I heard if you do Ecstasy you can have sex for 48 hours straight…I’ve heard..hah.
Now that I think of it, I’d better stay away from all that stuff, with my luck the first time I try to score it will be from a undercover cop.
Reg
October 25, 2010 - 4:00 pm
(Note to DEA) I hereby clarify my earlier statement and express my opinion that Dr. Michael Davis spells better after having benefited from the medicinal application of prescription pharmaceuticals to address the symptoms of the Asian flu.
Thank you very much.