Don’t Screw This Up, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #192

November 5, 2010 Michael Davis 31 Comments

“Don’t screw this up.”

Those are the exact words I said to my BEST friend when I first met the woman he would end up marrying.

Her name is Kathy.

As most people know, Denys Cowan is my best friend and has been for decades. We met when I was 2 Jean. I don’t have many friends. I don’t like many people and even less people like me.

I’m hard to take. No, really. I’m hard to take. I can be a pill. I know this, YOU know this. I’m kinda a Dick. I’ve LIKED some girls that Denys has dated over the years. I’ve hated some girls Denys has dated but I’ve only loved one girl Denys has dated and that’s Kathy.

Kathy, Kathy, Kathy.

I wonder why, WHY, Kathy hates me.

All I have done is be in her corner.

“Don’t screw this up.” That’s what I told Denys the DAY I met her.

“Don’t screw this up.”

“Don’t screw this up.”

THAT’S what I told Denys, my best friend when I met Kathy.

I wonder if Kathy knows what I’ve told Denys when I’ve met some of his other ‘girl friends’ over the years. Remember I’m his BEST FRIEND and when it comes to girls we tell nothing but the TRUTH. Below is a sampling of my Denys girl friend comments:

“She have a sister?”

“She have a cousin?”

“ She have a mother?”

“Damn she’s fat.”

“ Dude, that’s Jail bait.”

“ DUDE, that’s a man!”

“ Slap her back!”

“ Sneak out when she falls asleep!”

“ Penicillin.”

“ Ugh.”

When I met Kathy I said to him, “Don’t screw this up.”

“Don’t screw this up.”

So, once again I’m wondering why oh WHY does Kathy hate me so?

Why do I think she hates me?  There is no bigger fan in the UNIVERSE than I am of G.I. Joe. How big a fan of G.I. Joe am I? Don Levine the creator of G.I. Joe is a freakin FRIEND of mine!!!

I FOUND A WAY TO BEFRIEND THE GUY WHO CREATED G.I. JOE!!!

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO STALK SOMEONE AND GET THEM TO BE YOUR FRIEND???

That’s like Mark David Chapman marrying Jodie Foster AND John Lennon.

Kathy is a big wheel at Hasbro, the owner of G.I. Joe. Kathy has yet to bestow upon me any G.I. Joes.

THAT’S why I think she hates me.

I did NOT say to Denys, “Dude, she looks like she worships Satan.”

I did NOT say to Denys, “She looks like she wants you to get a real job.”

I did NOT say to Denys, “ She’s a republican.”

I did NOT say to Denys, “Sex? Never happen.”

Any of the above statements would have ENDED the relationship but NO!! I said, “Don’t screw this up.”

What do I get for my heart-felt opinion? What do I get for loving Kathy??

No G.I. Joes that’s for sure.

Kathy, let’s say you were a Dallas Cowboy fan (I know they suck but bare with me for a second) and I as Denys’ best friend OWNED the Cowboys. It would be pretty GHETTO if you did not get some tickets to some games, right?

Well I’ve decided that I don’t need any G.I. Joes direct from Hasbro where they have stuff even my greedy little collector hands can’t get to.

Nope! As long as Denys and Kathy are happy, I’m content and all is right in the worl…

KATHY, DON’T MAKE ME BEG!!!!!!!!!!