Unanswered Questions, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #103

November 23, 2010 Arthur Tebbel 7 Comments

Dear Art,

My family is doing just great right now.  My own reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” debuted to fantastic ratings.  Our premiere outdrew the first episode of Conan.  My daughter Bristol is in the final three on Dancing with the Stars.  My younger daughter is also in the news.  Maybe for less flattering things but there’s no such thing as bad publicity right?  Have you been keeping up with our exploits?  Do we have anywhere to go but up?

-Sarah Palin

Sarah,

No.  No to all of it.  Gandhi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world” and I think it’s time I start living by that.  I am going to stop talking about you.  No matter what you do from here on out I won’t be answering your letters.  I think everyone else should do the same thing.  If we get over you maybe you’ll go away.  I’m going to devote this column to letters from people I will not be talking about anymore (except maybe as punch lines to other jokes).

Dear Art,

I’m in really bad straits lately.  You’ve certainly seen my public battle with substance abuse complete with multiple trips to rehab and a stint in jail.  Recently I lost my only remaining job.  I was set to star as Linda Lovelace in a biopic but was fired this week amid concerns with getting proper insurance.  What can I do at this point?  Is this the end of my acting career?

-Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay,

No.  I don’t care.  You were never even that good to start with.  You were pretty all right in Mean Girls but looking at your career and Tina Fey’s and I think it’s pretty obvious where the talent in that pairing was.  I’m sick of you.  Take Charlie Sheen with you.  While you’re taking Charlie Sheen see if he can get you some acting lessons.  Do be careful not to have sex with him though; he seems to be into some weird stuff.  Either way, bye forever.

Dear Art,

How’s it going bro?  I bet you’re super pumped for my new career as an educator.  What’s that?  You didn’t catch my public service announcement I recorded in support of abstinence with Bristol Palin?  It’s totally…

Damn it The Situation!  I’m not even going to finish printing that letter.  You’re just completely into self-parody at this point.  You won’t bait me anymore.  Keep being rich and annoying.  Hell, keep doing it on MTV and I’ll probably keep watching.  I just can’t talk about you anymore.