Police: 50% off, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #112

January 25, 2011 Arthur Tebbel 4 Comments

Dear Art,

I’ve got a huge problem and you’re the only person I can think that can help me.  My city was ranked the most dangerous city in 2004, 2005 and 2009.  This year we had to layoff 168 of our 365 police officers.  The city simply could not afford to keep the police department the same size.  The local drug dealers were reportedly wearing shirts with date of the cutback and “the city is ours” written on them.  Is there anything I can do to maintain order?  I’ve already assigned 90% of the police we have left to the streets.  Is there any hope for this city?

-Scott Thomson, Chief of Police, Camden NJ

Scott,

I hope you get paid well enough that you don’t have to actually live in Camden.  Buried under the surface of this story is the fact that 33% of the fire department was laid off as well.  So when the criminals take over and burn down the city no one will be able to put it out.  On the plus side you might be able to rehire some police after your town becomes the go-to place for filming post-apocalyptic movies.  Mad Max 4: Beyond Camden-dome has a certain ring to it.

I think your best option here is to do some creative changes to your criminal code.  These criminals are really excited because of the opportunity that a lack of police presence will provide for them to commit crimes and make money.  You might want to seriously considering making benign activity illegal.  Have a lot of press conferences where you wearily plead with criminals to stop repainting old buildings or clearing vacant lots.  Have a three strikes policy when it comes to helping old ladies cross the street.  You could use tax laws and enforcement to create a black market for organic produce.  Maybe the illicit nature will even kids to try them.  Sure you’ll have insane prices but it beats people slinging coke and dope, right?

It is absolutely shameful that the state government won’t do anything about this.  A city with this kind of crime problem should not be facing this drastic a reduction in police services.  The new governor says he won’t use the taxpayers as a blank check.  I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that he didn’t carry a huge percent of the vote there.  He’s essentially saying that the quality of life, or even the lives, of the people of Camden are not worth the money of people in the rest of the state.  Sorry poor people, if you can’t afford to move you’re pretty fucked.  That should be the new state motto or something.  That or “Land of the free and the home of The Situation.”