Kobe, Well Done, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #116

February 22, 2011 Arthur Tebbel 2 Comments

Dear Art,

I know you’re a big NBA fan so I know you watched the All-Star Game this weekend.  I won my fourth All-Star Most Valuable Player award playing in my home arena.  I scored a game-high 37 points to go with 14 rebounds.  I’m now tied for the most All-Star MVPs with Bob Petit and have a very good chance of winning a fifth before my career is over.  Have I finally stepped out of the shadow of Michael Jordan?  Can I finally stand on my own two feet historically?

-Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers

Kobe,

Are you sure you didn’t go overboard on that game?  You scored the most points but you also took the most shots.  I mean the game was clearly willing to let you do a certain amount of things with it but you just had to keep going and going.  You left the game broken; it may never be the same again.  Sure, you got what you wanted, but did it really make you happy?

I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.  It’s just really strange living in a city that hero-worships you where no one ever mentions that you probably raped a girl eight years ago.  I get that this is a town that loves the Lakers and you’re one of the greatest payers but I don’t know how many championships Michael Vick would have to win for no one to ever mention dog-fighting again but I think it’s way more than two.  Whatever, I guess the charges were dropped and I should get over it but I think that needed to be said.

You’ll never be out of Michael Jordan’s shadow.  Sorry but you just came too close.  If you were ten years younger and just coming into the league you could probably escape it but the comparison will always be there and you’ll always be on the short end.  Jordan was a transcendent player who was largely responsible for making the NBA what it is today.  More importantly he captured the imagination.  The last few years as you’ve finally started winning (without the benefit of Shaquille O’Neal) it was as a jump shooter.  That just isn’t sexy enough.  When you were a highflying player you were in Shaq’s shadow.  MJ was always an alpha dog.

I wouldn’t stress about it though.  You’re a surefire Hall of Famer and one of the 10 best players ever.  They’ll build a statue of you downtown.  You could probably have a lucrative career in broadcasting.  Your sneakers outsell LeBron James’ proving your worth as an endorser.  You’ve really got it all.  Quibbling for historical placement is beneath you.  What you should be worried about is the fact that you very clearly took your Black Mamba nickname from the Kill Bill movies.  You know that character in the movie was a woman right?  Jordan never would have given himself a nickname from an ass-kicking woman.  I’m just saying.