Waiter, There’s A Gun In My Soup!, by Michael Davis – Straight, No Chaser #204
February 4, 2011 Michael Davis 12 Comments
Tatiana and Martha Thomases wrote two of the most popular columns on MDW. Tatiana’s piece was about of all things, soup. Martha’s column was about Guns.
So…
The waiter looked at the tall incredibly handsome black man. “What will you have?” He asked while wondering if the tall incredibly handsome black man was also Gay like he was. “I’ll have soup.” was the reply from the tall and incredibly handsome black man.
“You are a tall and incredibly handsome black man.” The waiter said not being able to suppress his desire for the tall and incredibly handsome black man.
“Yes. Yes I am.”
“May I ask you a personal question?”
“Sure.”
“Are you Gay?”
“Are you?”
“Yes.”
“I may be Gay it depends.”
“Depends on what?”
“On whether my soup is free or not.”
“If your soup is free, does that mean you are Gay?”
“Gay as you can get.”
“And if your soup is not free?”
“Straight as a line drawn with a ruler.”
“Well your soup is on me.”
“Fabulous!!!”
“You really love soup, don’t you?”
“Oh Hell Yeah!”
“What else do you love?”
The tall and incredibly handsome black man thought about this question. He loved soup so much he would make love to a man to get a free bowl. He DID have another love but in this political correct society did he dare reveal it?
“Guns.”
“Pardon?”
“Guns. I love guns.” The tall and incredibly handsome black man said to the waiter. Had he gone to far? Had his love of soup crossed the line? “DAMN IT!” He thought. “I could have had a free bowl of soup and some possible Gay sex but now this guy will most likely call the cops.” His thoughts got the better of him. He started to leave when the waiter brought over his order. “Where are you going? Here’s your free soup.”
Free soup? Damn it, DAMN IT!! He could not pass up free soup regardless if he thought the waiter had called the cops on him because he mentioned a gun. The tall and incredibly handsome black man was carrying a gun (he always did) but instead of leaving before the cops arrived he HAD to eat the soup…it was free.
IT WAS FREE SOUP!!!!!
The tall and incredibly handsome black man sat back down at the table. The waiter lifted the silver lid to reveal the entree. There before him was the soup and in the soup was a gun.
With tears in his eyes, the tall and incredibly handsome black man smiled and then said;” Waiter, there’s a gun in my soup.”
“Enjoy.” Said the waiter. “Enjoy.”
Let the comments begin!
Doug Abramson
February 4, 2011 - 1:46 am
MOTU, writing slash fiction about yourself?
Martha Thomases
February 4, 2011 - 5:45 am
Here’s a joke my dad told me when I was in grade school:
A rich Texan comes to New York for the first time. He tells the concierge at his hotel that he wants to have a typical New York meal at a typical New York restaurant. The concierge sends him to the Carnegie Deli.
Once seated, the Texan doesn’t look at the menu. “Bring me a typical New York meal,” he tells the waiter. “I want it all. Everything. Soup to nuts.”
The waiter brings him his soup. The Texan tastes it. “Waiter!” he exclaims. “This soup is fantastic. Forget the rest of the meal. Just bring me more of this soup!”
Every meal, for the rest of the week, the Texan goes to the Deli and eats soup. On the last day, at his last meal, he gives the waiter a $100 tip (this was a long time ago, so let’s adjust for inflation and say $1,000) and says, “That soup was fantastic. You must tell me what it is.”
“That was matzoh ball soup, sir,” the waiter says.
“It’s delicious,” the Texan marveled. “Tell me, is there any other part of the matzoh you can eat?”
Russ Rogers
February 4, 2011 - 7:02 am
Your story reminded me of an image from the inside jacket to the Warren Zevon album, “Excitable Boy.” It’s called, “Willy on the Plate.”
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_J4ymrRkgF5Q/SanqT2Ml53I/AAAAAAAAAGM/RqNjuMH8PdA/S180/Willy+on+the+Plate.jpg
MOTU
February 4, 2011 - 1:48 pm
Martha,
LOL!!!!!!!!!
MOTU
February 4, 2011 - 1:52 pm
Wait a sec, I wrote about guns and soup, where’s my 59 comments????
MOTU
February 4, 2011 - 1:56 pm
Doug,
Soup, dude, soup.
McCarthy
February 4, 2011 - 2:12 pm
So, what, you want us to know that “you’re not soupped?”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gxUsZ8KPrM&feature=player_embedded
R. Maheras
February 4, 2011 - 5:15 pm
C’mon, MOTU, you know that sequels rarely do as well as the original.
That said, this is comment #7.
R. Maheras
February 4, 2011 - 5:17 pm
Oops… the previous comment was actually comment #8.
And this is comment #9.
Only 50 more to go!
Steven Atkins
February 4, 2011 - 5:22 pm
Wow, Martha.
Jewish/Texas testicle humor.
Or…”texicles”, if you will….or maybe you won’t.
MOTU
February 4, 2011 - 5:36 pm
R. Maheras,
11
MOTU
February 4, 2011 - 5:36 pm
R. Maheras,
12
MOTU
February 4, 2011 - 5:37 pm
No, no I am not proud.
13
Reg
February 4, 2011 - 6:51 pm
Ummmmm….
Somewhat intimidated to comment on this one. Ooops.
14
McCarthy
February 4, 2011 - 8:44 pm
It’s like an MDW telethon! I pledge
15
MOTU
February 4, 2011 - 10:00 pm
Thank Kevin!
16
ed zarger
February 4, 2011 - 11:04 pm
So, some question about the subject of this. Is it the consomme or the person?
Up in the air.
Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
No, it’s Soup Or Man.
ok, time for me to be
Gun With the Wind.
MOTU
February 5, 2011 - 1:00 am
Thanks Ed!
18
Reg
February 5, 2011 - 1:19 am
What?? I don’t get any love??!
19
MOTU
February 5, 2011 - 1:51 pm
Reg,
What was I thinking?
Thanks!!
20
pennie
February 5, 2011 - 6:14 pm
MOTU: Have you tried the Wanton Soup served by lithe Asian lovelies hot as a pistol?
Blackjack!
R. Maheras
February 5, 2011 - 8:07 pm
I visited the legendary cartoonist Russ Heath in the hospital today. He proudly showed off his foot-long, stapled scar where they re-built his 85-year-old right knee. Russ is funny as hell, and I may go back tomorrow to smuggle in some chips and dip for him to eat during the Super Bowl. Us Russ’ have to stick together, you know.
The above has nothing to do with the thread topic, MOTU, but it counts as comment #22.
MOTU
February 5, 2011 - 9:04 pm
Pennie,
Yes.
23
MOTU
February 5, 2011 - 9:06 pm
R. Maheras,
Russ Heath is as good an artist as you could ever hope for.
24
MOTU
February 5, 2011 - 9:12 pm
Speaking of the Super Bowl-look for me on Nightline tomorrow.
My MASSIVE flat screen’s DVR just went out along with the AT&T service for that TV.
Yes, I could watch the game in any other room but that’s NOT the point. The REASON you buy a MASSIVE flat screen is BECAUSE of things like the Super Bowl…and porn.
AT&T has promised to send someone out to fix it between noon and 4. If it’s not fixed-look for me on Nightline.
It won’t be pretty…
MOTU
February 5, 2011 - 9:12 pm
Oh the above was 25.
26
McCarthy
February 5, 2011 - 10:51 pm
“Here’s what I told AT&T would be their payback if they did not send someone to fix my shit . . . DirecTV.
My shit is fixed.
Thank you AT&T . . . bitch.”
https://mdwp.malibulist.com/index.php/2010/04/22/at-your-service-by-michael-davis-%E2%80%93-straight-no-chaser-164/
27
pennie
February 6, 2011 - 6:26 am
MOTU, I just spent a week yesterday melting down A T & T’s so-called customer service. Many hours. When I was done, they owed me.
Consumer Rights? I am relentless, tenacious and an unforgiving MF when it comes to this shit. “No,” never works. I’m guessing you might have the same spirit.
#28
pennie
February 6, 2011 - 6:27 am
And I neglected to add on my post 21 above last night that it was an Ace on a Face.
My age: 29
McCarthy
February 6, 2011 - 4:02 pm
F the Super Bowl. The Comment Bowl is really heating up!
30
MOTU
February 6, 2011 - 4:36 pm
McCarthy,
…and my shit is Fixed again! This time MADE them give me another box just in case the ‘fix’ had something to do with the hardware not just the software.
AND they left me an extra remote! AND they linked ALL my remotes, (TV, Bose stereo, DVR,U-Verse)
AND Obama handled O’Reilly on the pre game interview like the bitch he is.
Life is good.
OH and this is number
31!!!!!!!
MOTU
February 6, 2011 - 4:37 pm
Pennie 29?
I thought you were 18.
32!
pennie
February 6, 2011 - 4:41 pm
MOTU, I was 18 last year. I just turned 29.
Larry Bird!
McCarthy
February 6, 2011 - 4:55 pm
Nice! Now you can watch all the groin injuries in HD. And I’m just talking about the beer commercials.
34
R. Maheras
February 7, 2011 - 8:45 am
This is post 35. I sorta kinda maybe wish I were still 35.
MOTU
February 7, 2011 - 1:57 pm
R,
You will always be 35 in my book!
36
MOTU
February 7, 2011 - 2:04 pm
37
Like I said-I’m not proud.
R. Maheras
February 7, 2011 - 4:12 pm
38 bottles of beer on the wall; 38 bottles of beer; you take one down and pass it around…
R. Maheras
February 7, 2011 - 4:12 pm
… 39 bottles of beer on the wall.
R. Maheras
February 7, 2011 - 4:13 pm
Oops! I went backwards on that one.
Oh, well!
That makes 40 posts…
MOTU
February 7, 2011 - 4:47 pm
Thanks!
41
pennie
February 7, 2011 - 5:08 pm
“Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m…”
42
MOTU
February 7, 2011 - 5:10 pm
LOL!
43
R. Maheras
February 8, 2011 - 11:05 am
In baseball, there are three players in the 500-Home Run Club who wore uniform number 44: Hank Aaron, Willie McCovey, and Reggie Jackson (pretty impressive trio!).
Post #44
McCarthy
February 8, 2011 - 12:55 pm
Michael, did enjoy Super Bowl
XLV
McCarthy
February 8, 2011 - 12:56 pm
you
46
R. Maheras
February 8, 2011 - 1:01 pm
’47 was the year the U.S. Air Force was created. It was also the year Milton Caniff introduced his creator-owned comic strip character “Steve Canyon” to the world.
MOTU
February 8, 2011 - 2:46 pm
McCarthy,
The game was OK. I was not so trilled with the commercials. The crop of real funny ones were down this year.
48
MOTU
February 8, 2011 - 2:48 pm
R,
I do so LOVE me some Milton Caniff!!!
49
MOTU
February 8, 2011 - 2:49 pm
Pennie,
Yes.
50!!!!!!!!!!