Customer Service, by Michael Davis – Straight, No Chaser #208
March 3, 2011 Michael Davis 24 Comments
I have very few vices in life.
1. Asian Women
2. Z Cars
3. GI Joe
4. Barbie
5. Costco
6. Captain Action
Once I thought my perfect world be one in which I would meet an Asian woman named Nissan who owned a Costco warehouse and thought a 6 foot 2 black man who collected GI Joe, Barbie and Captain Action was hot.
As an extra bonus she would love me…long time.
Well life, as John Lennon said, is what happens while you are making other plans.
Oh wait I forgot.
7. Tequila
So, my perfect world would be one in which I would meet an Asian woman named Nissan who owned a Costco warehouse and thought a 6 foot 2 black man who collected GI Joe, Barbie and Captain Action while she was handing me shots of 1800 was hot.
Yeah, I like 1800 or to put it another way FUCK Patron.
Well as John Lennon also said, all you need is love so all that stuff is fine and dandy but love is what makes the world go round and I DO love me some Costco.
Or, I did love me some Costco until they proved to me that just because you CAN love a thing does not mean that you SHOULD love a thing.
Yes, I fully realize that falling in love with a thing is a stupid thing to do.
Dammit! I forgot…
8. Porn
Sooooo, my perfect world would be one in which I would meet an Asian porn actress named Asia Nissan Carrera who owned a Costco warehouse and thought a 6 foot 2 black man who collected GI Joe, Barbie and Captain Action was hot but hotter still is she hands me shots of 1800 while filming ‘Motu’s Hot Perfect World’ for Vivid Video.
So yes. I fell in love with Costco and like an GOP Senator who preaches ‘Family Values’ but the moment he can he’s flexing on Craig’s List looking for some poon tang thus betraying everything he ‘said’ he stood for, just like that Costco broke my heart.
It started Christmas Eve 2010.
There I was, minding my own business buying random shit that I would then take home and decide who got what (after keeping the shit I wanted) for Christmas when Costco broke my heart…
I finally arrived at the check out and handed bitch that must not be named my brand spanking new ELITE Costco card. By ELITE I mean I paid a bit extra for some bonus shit you can’t get with a regular Costco card. So, there I was, yet again, minding my own business when bitch that must not be named told me my BRAND NEW ELITE COSTCO card was not valid.
“Your card is no good.”
“Yes, yes it is. I just upgraded to my BRAND NEW ELITE COSTCO CARD last week. “
“There’s a problem with it.”
“What’s the problem?”
“Your card is no good.”
“Yes, yes it is. I JUST upgraded to my BRAND NEW ELITE COSTCO CARD LAST week.”
Now for all of you who have not been to Costco, here’s how it works. You must be a member to shop there. You pay for a membership card and then you can shop there.
That’s a VERY important point to this story; so let me be CRYSTAL CLEAR.
Step 1. PAY for the card.
Step 2. AFTER you PAY they hand you the card because you just PAID for it.
Step 3. Show card at entrance so they let you in then show card again at check out.
Recap.
PAY. PAID. GET IN. CHECK OUT.
After jockeying with bitch that must not be named I finally agreed that, YES, there was a problem with the card but it was not MY problem it was Costco’s problem.
“How is this Costco’s problem?”
“Because I PAID for the service.”
“The card is not valid so, no, you did NOT pay for the service.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir, really.”
“So HOW THE FUCK DID I GET THE COSTCO CARD WITH MY NAME AND PICTURE ON IT?”
Yes, I went Negro.
Remember they won’t GIVE YOU A CARD until you PAY FOR IT! And ALL YOUR information is stored on the magnetic strip on the back.
Because I raised my voice a manager (and two security guards, HELLO! BLACK GUY YELLING!) came to see what the problem was. Long story short the manager completed my purchased and PROMISE me they would resolve the issue with my card.
Remember this was Christmas Eve at Costco so the line behind me was as long as Tea Party members waiting for the new 2011 white hoods and robes to hit the stores.
Long.
So the smart play was to just get me out of the store.
That was Christmas Eve 2010.
Fast forward to LAST Saturday.
Again, I’m told that my card was not valid.
That’s OK.
Why?
Well if you know ANYTHING about me you know that I’m a paper trail WHORE. I KNEW the problem would not be solved the next time I went to Costco. So you know what I did?
I found my receipt for my 3-MONTH-OLD ELITE COSTCO CARD and brought it with me to the store.
I showed the receipt to the cashier yet another bitch that must not be named and I was told YET AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING RECEIPT PROVING THAT I PAID FOR THE SERVICE AND THE CARD I COULD NOT HAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE UNLESS I PAID FOR IT THAT, “There’s a problem.”
“YES there’s a problem but it’s not MY FUCKING PROBLEM!”
Black man yelling, manager, two security guards, yada, yada…
NOW this manager takes my card and receipt and goes to his computer at costumer service and guess what?
There it is, plain as the eye can see yet another documentation proving the problem was Costco’s.
I HAD THE CARD.
I HAD THE RECEIPT.
Yet, STILL those STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS STILL needed to make sure my CARD WAS VALID before they let me PAY.
WHAT THE FUCK?
WHATTHEFUCK?
WHATTHEFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK????
What in God’s name has happened to costumer service? What happened to the costumer is always right?
I’ll tell you what happened, Costco happened.
They and others like them are so focused on covering their ass those even things, which are CLEAR AS DAY they can’t see because it’s not in the Costco handbook.
Somehow it’s become OK to over look common sense and in doing so make a fan into a foe.
Wait a sec…
9. Twizzlers
Sooooo, my perfect world would be one in which I would meet an Asian porn actress named Asia Nissan Carrera who owned a BEST BUY warehouse and thought a 6 foot 2 black man who loves Twizzles collects GI Joe, Barbie and Captain Action was hot but hotter still is she hands me shots of 1800 while filming ‘Motu’s Hot Perfect World’ for Vivid Video.
As for Costco, I have but two words…DEATH RAY!
Reg
March 3, 2011 - 8:11 pm
10. Time Machine with DEATH RAY mounted.
Doug Abramson
March 3, 2011 - 9:01 pm
Death ray! Yeee-ha!
McCarthy
March 3, 2011 - 11:45 pm
So the Twizzlers you bought at Christmas lasted until Saturday? Oh, right. Costco. It was probably the 40 gallon economy size.
Vinnie Bartilucci
March 4, 2011 - 5:16 am
Oh, I could tell you stories.
Nine times out of fourteen, it’s not the thing they do wrong, it’s the hamhanded way they (mis)handdle it. As soon as an employee of a store starts to explain why what they did was right (which implies that what I did was wrong), they will need to buy new shoes, because they are firmly in the shit.
I have all but stopped buying hamburgers, because basically, most places have stopped selling hamburgers. They sell cheeseburgers, and you have to ask them to leave the cheese off.
Now if I said to you, a rational person with a full set of working brain-lobes, to give me a burger with NOTHING but ketchup and onions on it, what would you give me?
But somehow, these people here me say “ketchup…and onons…ONLY” and ask “and cheese, right?” or even worse, just PUT the cheese on anyway.
All their little dollar-menu double-burgers have cheese, and their brains boil if you ask for it without. I have actually had people tell me that if I order the item without cheese, it is no longer that item, and would be MORE money. Now, when I was growing up (I believe Hoover was in the Whitehouse), Hamburgers cost LESS than cheeseburgers, as they had less things on them (i.e. cheese). But NOW, by making the cheeseburger the default, are basically charging you more if you want less stuff. See the whole “same price for credit” dodge at the gas station.
Don’t even get me STARTED on how complicated the work “plain” is at Subway.
I don’t go in HOPING they get something wrong, but I sure am practiced in handling it when they do.
MOTU
March 4, 2011 - 6:39 am
Vinnie,
Some years back, again on Christmas eve, I was in New York buying a subway token at the time tokens were $1.50 each.
I needed only one so I gave the token booth clerk ONE DOLLAR and two quarters. The woman took my money and without missing a beat asked me, “How many?”
I said 20.
Again without missing a beat she gave me 2 small plastic bags that contained 10 tokens each. There was a woman standing behind me who realized I was about to get over and she started to say something but I shot her my Black man death stare and she shut up.
Then I opened one of the bags and handed her a token and said, “Merry Christmas!” She smiled got off the line and went through the turnstile.
Now-this could have been a ‘people are sheep’ like at Costco story except for this, I stood next to the line saying “Merry Christmas’ to people as they stepped up to buy tokens-NO one took one. They all said, no thanks or ignored me.
Around the 6th ‘No thank you” I realized the reason why when this elderly gentleman asked me, “What’s the catch?” I said, “It’s Christmas and I’m giving tokens away in the sprit of the season.” He said, “What’s the catch?”
I gave up.
It reminded me of something that happened to me when I was 8 and even at eight I knew that people are sheep.
My sister was a huge fan this old TV show called the Millionaire. A local channel in NYC would run reruns of the show which must have been off the for at least 20 by the time we saw it. The show was about this guy who would give random people a million bucks with the condition they could not say where they got it. I was 8 but I remember that show because when I’d watch it with my sister and I was simply amazed at how many people would lose the money by opening their big mouth.
My sister LOVED that show. One day I told her the show was stupid because the people kept losing the money. She asked me “OK smart ass what would you do if someone gave you a million dollars?
I said,”I’d say thank you.”
My mom overheard this and said to my sister who was 4 years older than me, “What would you say?” She said, “What’s the catch?”
My mom said-“I hope your brother gets the money.”
Jeremiah Avery
March 4, 2011 - 7:31 am
Having worked in Customer Service during college, I usually try to not get riled since I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end; but sometimes I think some of these people should be grateful there are laws protecting them from getting a serious beatdown!
Reg
March 4, 2011 - 9:19 am
Vinnie said…”I have actually had people tell me that if I order the item without cheese, it is no longer that item, and would be MORE money.”
Ahhhh, but you’ve failed to consider the additional TIME it takes to scrape off the cheese, ergo…they add that cost to the ‘soylent orange’.
@ Da mOTu…Great story sir. However, for your consideration, I suspect the reason for the suspicion of your fellow NY’ers was that they’d never expected to see a Black Robin Hood.
p.s. I have to wonder if Jesus gave a wink to the legalities of your ‘exchange policy’ in honor of His Birthday. 😉
MOTU
March 4, 2011 - 11:29 am
Reg,
You know as well as I do if I would have said, “Jesus wants you to ride free” the cops would have showed up and i would have been under 48 hour crazy watch.
I’m always amazed at the people who claim they love and believe in Jesus but are likely to think you are nuts if you bring him up.
The Black Robin Hood? I like that but If Hollywood did that story they would simply call it, ‘Hood.’
MOTU
March 4, 2011 - 11:30 am
‘Hood’ tm and copyright Michael Davis, Reg 2011
Reg
March 4, 2011 - 11:42 am
WORD!!!
😀
Vinnie Bartilucci
March 4, 2011 - 12:00 pm
The Millionaire is a classic – NBC was running at half past whateverthefuck in the morning for a while. Marvin Miller, who played Michael Anthony, was the guy who voiced Aquaman for the Filmation cartoons, and so many other things. And Paul Frees was the voice of John Berseford Tipton.
Me being the loophole-king I am, I always noticed that while you were not allowed to reveal the source of the money, there was no rule about FABRICATING something. Tell people you won the Irish sweepstakes and everyone’s happy.
MOTU
March 4, 2011 - 3:32 pm
Vinnie,
‘John Berseford Tipton.’
DAMN, that mofo was badass.
Vinnie Bartilucci
March 4, 2011 - 5:34 pm
If he were to try it today, he’d be the target of a series of lawsuits by his experiments who would claim that by giving them this money without any counseling or preparation, he is directly responsible for any and all misadventures they embark on. And since he had entered into a de facto patronage relationship, he was required to CONTINUE giving them million-dollar checks upon demand.
McCarthy
March 4, 2011 - 7:04 pm
MOTU said: “FUCK Patron.”
COSTCO said: “FUCK patrons.”
MOTU
March 4, 2011 - 8:23 pm
Vinnie,
I was on a plane once sitting next to an doctor. Just like in the movies a stewardess asked if there was an doctor on board because an women was having trouble breathing. The doctor did NOT raise his hand, I gave him a WTF look and he said, “I’ll step in if no one else does or she gets worse but I’m not risking getting sued if I can help it.”
Damn.
What a world.
JosephW
March 5, 2011 - 2:19 am
MOTU, I can understand the doctor’s reaction. After all, this is a STRANGE woman, one whom (I’m guessing) he’s never seen before, much less in a professional manner. He won’t know her medical history and it IS entirely possible that he could do something that would inadvertently make her condition worse. There are any number of conditions which can lead to having trouble breathing, not all of which could be easily discerned without having knowledge of her history. Then, too, what if the woman needed some sort of medication? What are the odds that (1) he would actually have the medicine she needed and (2) he would have it in his carry-on luggage? (I won’t even consider that the airline would have dozens of different medicines for those “sudden” emergencies. Aspirin or aspirin substitutes, yes. Insulin? Probably not. Asthma inhalers? Probably not. Antibiotics or antivirals? Yeah, right.)
Mike Gold
March 5, 2011 - 11:11 am
11. Bacon. C’mon, MOTU. Geez.
For me, going to Costco and their ilk is a deeply surreal experience. Where else are you likely to be confronted by a box of Fruit Loops as big as a Frigidaire? They sell Reeses peanut butter products (all 743 of them) in vats so big you’d think they were having a going-out-of-business crack sale. I wander around looking like I just got zapped by Stupifyin’ Jones, and I can actually hear my credit card scream “Run away! Run away!”
Vinnie said ”I have actually had people tell me that if I order the item without cheese, it is no longer that item, and would be MORE money.” Since I don’t eat cheese, this happens to me all the time. About 15 years ago I was driving out of Michigan on I-94 towards Toronto and I reluctantly stopped at a Hardees, the only place open in maybe 30 miles. Got me a the full health meal: double-burger, fries, diet Coke hold the everything except caffeine. They gave me a value meal that I didn’t ask for (which I wouldn’t order because it didn’t have a toy in it) that was priced higher than if I bought the stuff the way I originally ordered it. I asked why and they told me about the cheese. “So by giving me less, you charge me more?” And the response was “policy.” So I told them about MY policy, left them with their food, got back into my car and didn’t eat until I crossed the border, where I ate at the first place that was open: a Mexican/Asian fusion joint.
Lucky for me, I speak Canadian.
MOTU
March 5, 2011 - 3:07 pm
Mike,
Bacon is not a vice. It’s a way of life. The only way of life for us who seek oneness with all things which we know in our very core is the right thing to do.
But you are right about calling it #11. It’s part of the original 12 commandments.
11. Eat the cooked flesh of the pig. It is bacon and it is good.
12. Fear the family Beck.
pennie
March 5, 2011 - 4:13 pm
MOTU, Last week went to a local Culinary Chef’s Clash in Kalamazoo. The proceeds went to the Kazoo Boys and Girl’s Clubs. The secret ingredient: bacon. The results were sizzling!
Sorry you missed this. The only thing that would have put it over the top was an Asian female participant named Su Chef.
MOTU
March 5, 2011 - 9:28 pm
Asian girls and bacon.
Pennie, that’s the title of my next book.
It’s a love story.
pennie
March 6, 2011 - 6:15 am
MOTU, Why not, “The Whole Hog”
Bill Mulligan
March 6, 2011 - 2:11 pm
Running down your list, I see problems:
1. Asian Women
China’s one-child policy is creating a shortage of girls. By the time the next generation of Chinese men grow up they may have to invade the USA to reclaim all those girls who were given up for adoption. Worth fighting over, I say. Bring it on!
2. Z Cars
Gonna run out of fossil fuels, a fat lot of good they will be then. Will still look good on your lawn. Unless you live in the city. Which is where the Chinese army will strike first.
3. GI Joe
Used to be 12 inches now reduced to about 4. That has to hurt. No way a 4 incher will be able to fight off the Asian women stealing hordes.
4. Barbie
You still have that.
5. Costco
Clearly, they hate you and are doing everything they can to stop you from going.
6. Captain Action
They tried to bring him back. It bombed. Not your fault though, I’m with you on the Cap.
7. Tequila
I have terrible news. The agave plant, the source of tequila, is in dangerously low supply due to the land being used to grow bio fuels to keep z-cars going. It will take 12 years to get new crops going, assuming their low genetic diversity and the extinction of the native bat species that fertilize them doesn’t kill them first.
8. Porn
Cheaper DSLR camera should keep a steady supply of amateur porn coming. Downside–most ordinary people are pretty ugly. Upside–if you’ve been watching stuff with Ron Jeremy you won;t notice the difference.
9. twizzlers
Really Michael, really? Why not just cut bicycle tires into strips? Given how bad the rest of the list looks you may want to stock up a lifetime supply. Luckily, there is no way they will ever go bad.
So I see a day where you will be hiding in your apartment with an Asian girl, playing with your Barbie and Captain Action figures, eating twizzlers. The tequila is long gone. The Chinese army torched the z car and the costco, all those people you dealt with–burned alive.
You still have your porn and an Asian girl. Winner!
MOTU
March 6, 2011 - 4:29 pm
Bill,
1. Asian Women.
Good point, but there’s always Japan.
2. Z Cars
If all else fails I’ll just keep my 1983 280 ZX in mint condition and get my gas from the black market.
3.GI Joe
I ONLY collect vintage GI Joe 12 inch. 4 inch?? UGH!!
4. Barbie
Yes!!
5. Costco
The next time I go into a Costco I’m bringing my boys from the Crips.
6 Captain Action
I’m a vintage Captain Action collector , yes I have all of the remakes but my heart is in the original. BTW-they are bringing him back again!
7. Tequila
That may be a problem, solved only by a time machine.
8.Porn
I’ll make my own. Would not be the first time.
9.Twizzlers
You got me.
But all in all, not a bad life…WINNER!
MOTU
March 6, 2011 - 4:31 pm
Pennie said,
MOTU, Why not, “The Whole Hog”
OR…”The Hog Ho?”