Help Me Obi Wan Kenobi, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #214

April 15, 2011 Michael Davis 32 Comments

…or someone who will give me real life advice for my real life.

I’m a hard headed big mouth stubborn really smart sometimes to smart for my own good talented good hearted take no shit seek to destroy my enemies will take a bullet for my friends kind of guy.

Please add the word ‘some’ in front of the followings:

People LOVE me or HATE me or don’t know how to take me.

Black Women think I’m charming or an asshole.

White women think I’m brilliant or psychotic.

Asian women, think well frankly it does not matter what Asian women think. For them I’ll change.

Men think-Really? What on earth do I care what men think about me? What are they going to do-NOT sleep with me? Oh, how, HOW lord will I live without that?

Just fine, thank you very much.

DUH.

There are some men I care about liking and respecting me. My friends, my colleagues, the young men I mentor and certain family members.

CERTAIN family members.

I’m of the belief that if a cousin killed a bunch of people in a drug fueled rage that just because he’s blood does not mean I’ll EVER go visit him and when he gets out of jail after 30 years and tries to call me I WILL NOT take his call nor will I be happy with whoever gave him my number.

When I was younger and people messed with me or mine and I needed in your face back up, all I had to do is mention my cousin’s name, problem solved. Last year at Comic Con a drunk guy was in my face in the lobby of the Hyatt. I Google my cousin on my iPhone and showed his buddy.

“That’s my family.”
No more drunk guy.

Back to…me.

I LOVE my friends.

Those people I’m business with think I’m a genius.

Those people who I’ve disappointed in business wonder just how in the HELL they let me in the door in the first place. Hey-we all make mistakes.

I tend to paper trail everything so when something goes bad and it’s not my fault I have a back up.

I have learned the hard way that even if it’s NOT my fault it IS my fault when it comes to operating at a certain level.

And THAT’S my problem-That’s what I need YOUR help with.

Really.

I have always REFUSED to fall on my sword. When something fucks up, goes bad, loses money, does not meet projections etc., it’s RARE that I have not predicted the problem before hand and produced a memo or email or notes written in a meeting that will clearly point to the problem NOT being me. HELL- I have an ‘I TOLD YOU SO FILE’ so thick it’s scary.

Example-I created a comic book universe for a certain market-in my business plan and MANY memos I predicted a huge problem and not great outcome if such and such was not addressed.

Guess what?

Such and such was NOT addressed and the huge problem I predicted came to pass.

You would think a few memos a dozen or so emails a year, six months and then 30 days BEFORE launch worded like those below would have sunk in.

Nope.

To: The Big Company I created The Comic Book Universe For
From: Michael Davis
RE: Editors Should Edit Or  People Will Die.

I’ve noticed that our in our line of books there are some big problems that need to be addressed or we will have BIGGER PROBLEMS.

As an example, I fired the artist who was drawing NAMBLA posters  (join NAMBLA perverts need love to) in every storefront or office setting. I also had all those pages redrawn by another artist.  Larry who edits, Mentor Man has decided to let the NAMBLA pages stay in the book see the attached email:

To: Michael Davis

From: Larry The Editor For The Big Company You were Lucky To Create The Comic Book Universe For Even though My Brother Likes To Draw When He’s Not Working At The Car Wash And Has Better Ideas Than Your Black Lucky Ass

RE: NAMBLA Art.

CC: EVERYONE AT THE COMPANY and my brother

I see NO reason why you fired the artist and had commissioned another artist to redraw perfectly good pages.

I’ve asked around and no one thinks that NAMBLA posters are a bad thing. WHAT is the problem with a man/boy club? I belonged to a Big Brother Program when I was a boy and I ‘m the better person for it.

Your memo stating that we ‘run the risk’ of being ‘beat to death’ by parents at Comic Con is just another way to avoid all the problems YOU are having with Mentor Man.

You insisted that we employ ‘color’ artists who use ‘Photoshop’ when there are NO photos in these comic books and this company employs all people not just colored people. By the way Mr. Davis calling people ‘colored’ is WAY behind the times. Negros is what YOU people are called now and you should know that being a darkie yourself.  You clearly seem to think your antics will be protected because you report directly to our CEO.

Wrong.

You are NOT above anyone else at this company and as editor of Mentor Man I have decided to NOT remove those pages.

Lastly, I see you rejected the story entitled ‘Rape And Murder, A Love Story’ submitted, written and drawn by my brother. For our ‘Good Girl Club’ title.

I see no reason why our book, ‘The Good Girl Club’ cannot tackle hard-hitting issues. Your memo stating that the targeted age for the Good Girl Club is 6-10 seems to me to not be short sided. Parents BUY those books for their kids and I’m of the mind that parents may want their kids to read something with a bit more substance. You also say that Nickelodeon will ‘pull out of the development deal we have with them faster than a speeding bullet’ if we include that sort of story line in The Good Girl Club.

I don’t see any reason for them to do so and neither does my brother. Please reconsider your decision.

Lastly-you WERE correct, that IS an Ball Point Pen my brother uses in his art and yes those are magic markers he colored them with. But you were not correct when you said the markers looked like they came from Target. They came from Rite Aid.

Larry,
The Editor Who Hates You Because Your Deal With MY Company Makes YOU More Money In A Month Than I Make In A Year And My brother Can DO what You Do

Now-WHY should I fall on my sword when I’m dealing with shit like the above?

The examples above were of course a wee bit laced with artistic embellishment but I assure you in the real situations I was just as on point as I was in the reenactments.

Again-this is where I need YOUR help.

I’m dealing with 2 situations one business one personal where falling on my sword would be the only way I can bring about a solution that the other parties would be happy with.

Why, you ask, should I care about these particular parties when I’ve burned more than a few bridges because I simply will call a spade a spade and let the bodies fall where they may?  Look-I KNOW I can be a DICK but I’m a Dick that can defend his position with documentation.  If I even THINK there is a wrong business move being made I will address that situation IN WRITING as soon as I think it.

Let me tell you something-the entertainment business is FULL of people who forget what they say the MOMENT there is any kind of fallout that points to them.

I’M NOT GOING OUT LIKE THAT. I address any issue immediately IN WRITING. You may call it anal-I call it covering my black (cute as a button) ass.

On a personal note-my friends can tell you I have an uncanny ability predicting problems and give great advice how to avoid them way before they become something your divorce lawyer brings up in court.

The following is NOT an embellishment.

A few years ago a good friend of mine developed a KILLER show based on an existing property. His take was original and new. When I read it I said it was the greatest thing to happen to that property EVER.

I did see ONE huge problem and gave him the following advice.

Make sure there is a deal in place that ensures his participation in the show if they go for the pitch. Get a letter of intent saying SOMETHING ANYTHING that protects him on SOME level and NOT to quit his day job. I told him to let his lawyer draft some sort of good faith agreement the MOMENT ANYONE at the network says; ‘We love it.’

Why did I advise him such and REALLY ruined his high right after he told me; “They LOVED it.”

Here’s why, unless you are David E. Kelly or some such powerhouse if you pitch an concept for an preexisting property the network, studio, publisher, bathroom wall may decide to do the show, movie, play, sex act, WITHOUT YOU.

You CANNOT copyright an idea. And if your idea is for The New Adventures Of Charlie Brown or any preexisting character you are doubly fucked.

Ideas are cheap and when the network decides to do YOUR idea for something they already own and the head of production on YOUR idea does not like YOU then guess what he does?

He replaces you with someone else.

Guess what happened to my friend?

When I was a kid I LOVED telling people; “I told you so.”  As an adult those words make me sick…unless I’m telling that to a Tea Party member who I just pimp slapped like a little bitch because they got in my face.

I can give dozens of examples where I’ve pinpointed a problem in advance. I’m REAL GOOD at spotting little shit that has the potential to become BIG shit.

On a personal level -I recently told someone that taking calls from a women co-worker in front of his wife while out on a ‘date night’ was a receipt for disaster. Did he listen? Nope. What happened? BIGGEST fight they ever had the third time it happened.

OK-NOW I’m ready to say what I need help with.

I’m in the RIGHT regarding the two (1 business and 1 personal) issues I mentioned before. I can prove both in a heartbeat.  I predicted the fallout WAY before each problem surfaced and predicted WHAT the problems would be if such and such was not handled in such and such manner.

AND-I was right.

BUT-I’m thinking that because there are other people involved who my actions will affect AND I’m TRYING to mellow out in my old age (I’ll be 22 in 2 weeks) that I fall on my sword JUST to move things pass this point.

I DO want to mellow somewhat more and maybe being right is not the end all and be all in some matters.

Any advice will be appreciated.

But I’m pretty sure I know what you are going to say. 😉