John Ashcroft Soars Once Again, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #222

May 16, 2011 Mike Gold 4 Comments

I’m sure you-all remember John Ashcroft, the onetime Missouri senator who was so far to the right that when he ran for reelection he was soundly defeated by a dead man. George W. Bush then appointed him attorney general, where he wiped his ass with the Constitution, tried to force postal workers to add domestic spying to their job descriptions, defended segregation, tried to end a woman’s right to abortion, and forced librarians to rat out Americans’ book selections.

John also had Washington’s Spirit of Justice statue covered up to hide her long-exposed titty, striking a blow for freedom and justice and scoring a true victory for the morally superior. Ever the right-wing Renaissance man, he could sing like an eagle, he could write lyrics with his talons, and he even formed a barbershop quartet with Trent Lott, James Jeffords, and Larry “Wide Stance” Craig. Boy, he can pick ‘em.

Well, now our pal John has got his fine self a brand-new job.

Ashcroft is now an “independent director” for the murderous, beyond-the-law private military company known as Xe Services. They’re also known as Blackwater, Raven Development Group, Aviation Worldwide Services, Presidential Airways, STI Aviation, Inc., Air Quest, Inc., and Greystone Limited. They are also known as the U.S. Training Center, but Firesign Theater fans call them “Nancy.” Ashcroft’s new job is “to promote the highest degrees of ethics and professionalism within the private security industry.”

90% of his company’s revenue comes from government contracts, and they remain under contract with the State Department. Blackwater’s founder was Mitt Romney’s senior advisor for counterterrorism and national security issues, so they’ve got close ties to the Bush and Obama administrations and are well-placed in the sad event Romney becomes our next President.

According to their website, the U.S. Training Center “is famous for our ability to deliver hard hitting, effective training experiences for military, security and law enforcement professionals as well as civilians. We provide advanced training courses for a wide range of missions, terrain and tactical situations. We train both individuals and units applying our knowledge and experience to support their stated objectives. Our world-class instructors are matched to the student audience with law enforcement veterans teaching law enforcement and military veterans teaching military courses…

“We can produce custom tailored curriculum to your distinct requirements. The highly skilled training staff at U.S. Training Center believes in using what works to enhance the learning experience and to increase your safety and effectiveness on the street or on the battlefield everyday.”

Their logo incorporates the image of an eagle. John Ashcroft is best known for his awesome-yet-still pathetic warbling of his tune “Let The Eagle Soar.”

They’re certainly birds of a feather.

Nuevo-Separatist and anarcho-syndicalist Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather radio show on America’s pop culture channel The Point, www.getthepointradio.com, every Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern, replayed three times during the week (check the website above for times). Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind political and cultural rants annoy the unwashed each and every day at the same venue.