Power, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #217
May 6, 2011 Michael Davis 0 Comments
“Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
…and I’d be THAT guy.
I’ve said it a million times. I don’t need any real power. Nope. I’m fine with having influence on some matters but I don’t need real power.
If I had political power, I’d be shot.
That’s what a Yale history professor told me. It was his wife who had to tell me it was a compliment.
If I had Rock Star power I’d be hooked on something and video taped doing something else that may involve midgets…sorry ‘little people.’
If I had religious power I’d be a cult leader.
If I had magical powers I’d be ‘He who must not be named.’
If I had God like power I’d be laying waste to entire continents.
I’m convinced that if someone breaks into my home or in any way looks to cause me or those I care for harm I’d blow them away without so much as a “It’s loaded.”
Read that last paragraph again if you think I’m being too hard on myself. I KNOW I would not handle any real power that I could use with impunity well.
I gave the keynote address at an FBI Academy Graduation a decade plus a few years ago. In my remarks I told the audience “If I were an FBI agent I’d use my badge for EVERYTHING.”
“Michael Davis, FBI. Young lady, you are going out with me tonight.”
“Michael Davis, FBI. You are no longer my child.”
“Michael Davis, FBI. I need the names and phone numbers for all your Asian actresses who are REALLY hot.”
EVERYTHING.
Everyone thought I was joking. People who really know me are well aware that my sense of humor is sometimes my only way to deal with my reality. I’m not hiding behind a joke; I’m trying not to have conversations where I have to say to someone “You DON’T want to know.”
Trust me a joke is much better for your day than the hard truths I’d have to school you on regarding my views on certain subjects.
You DON’T want to know.
That is yet another reason I should not be given any REAL power.
Yes, I am Master Of The Universe but I’m limited to Universal applications such as global warming and porn.
If I had, let’s say, Mafia power or CIA power or Head of State power I’d be a crazy motherfucker over shit no one else seems to think is that bad.
Like-
I’d give Hackers HARD jail time in hardcore prisons with guys who would make them their bitch nightly and with extreme meanness.
I’d make Identity Thieves unable to own anything. They would have to rent everything FOREVER…AND be prevented from even having a name. They would all be known as ‘Denied.’ And all that’s after the 20 years they spent in the joint being someone’s bitch.
I’d have scam artists drowned.
Harsh? For some, yes, for me nooooooo. Told you, DON’T give me power.
Check out what I was sent on my birthday that made me daydream of holding someone’s head under water while singing Joy to the world:
From: “EXXON MOBIL AWARD” <exxon@aksd.hu>
Date: April 29, 2011 4:38:34 PM PDT
Resent-To: <michaeldavis>
Subject: You Have WON!!!
Reply-To: magbor120@aol.com
EXXON MOBIL MALAYSIA !
Verification Number (EM-389-6373).
Attn: Sir/Madam,
Your Email Won $500,000.00 USD.
Please contact Our claims Agent:
Name: MR.SHAFFIE BIN HASSAN
E-mail: exxonmobil-malaysia2@koil.tv
Call To Confirm: +60149417963
Please provide the below information for us to facilitate your claim:
NAME IN FULL: ………..
CONTACT ADDRESS: …….
AGE: ……………….
OCCUPATION:……….
MOBILE:…………
SEX (M/F): ……….
Regards,
MRS.AISH’A MOHD AHMED.
EXXON MOBIL MALAYSIA
These sorry excuses for humans are trying to scam me with the lure of $500,000.00.
Notice they don’t even have my name but if I give it to them somehow they will know I’m THE person who just won all that money. The reason these people succeed with these scams is that the people who fall for this shit are even stupider than they are.
I’m sending them this:
Subject: You Have Been Granted American Citizenship!
Reply-To: Iwillhaveyourfamilymurderedwhenyourespond.com
The White House
Verification Number (27FuckYouAndYourFamily).
Attn: Sir/Madam, Scum of the Earth
Welcome to the new world!
Please contact George Washington
E-mail: Georgehasbeendead4years.com
Call To Confirm: 177666
Please provide the below information for us to facilitate your new life:
NAME IN FULL: ………..
CONTACT ADDRESS: …….
AGE: ……………….
OCCUPATION:……….
MOBILE:…………
SEX (M/F): ……….
WHEN WILL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY BE HOME SO WE CAN KILL YOU ALL
*KILL is American slang for ‘love’
Regards,
John Wilkes Booth
This is a clear sign that I’m mellowing as I get older. I once had NO pity for those people who were stupid enough to fall for this type of scam. But there are an awful lot of people who are SUCKERS for anything they see on TV or in print no matter how crazy it seems.
I now feel sorry for those people.
I’d use my power to find MRS.AISH’A MOHD AHMED and her band of fucking crooks and demand my $500,000.00. If they could not produce the money or if EXXON MOBIL MALAYSIA was a post office box next to a sheep farm I’d have them all drowned.
Harsh?
Yeah.
And that is why I don’t need any real power.
Lastly-I would not be the revenge- seeking –forGIVE- nothing –forGET- nothing -guy I am without mentioning OUR President’s bitch slap to Donald Chump and those on the far right regarding his place of birth.
THAT’S a dish served ice cold like The Donald’s former wives in divorce court or how any woman would treat him if he ran a bad toupee shop…cold. ICE cold.
AND-the NEXT day Obama capped Osama.
THAT’S gangster.
How cool was Obama the day before? Cracking jokes at a state dinner all the while knowing he was about to put an end to one of the most hated men in history WHILE he listened to Osama jokes on him at the very same state dinner.
There are some on the right trying to give the credit to Bush and not the black guy in the oval office.
Saying Bush was responsible for killing Osama is like saying Lincoln was responsible for Motown.
Bush’s administration looked for 8 years over two terms and yet the 6 foot 2 in a land of people 5 foot 1 (on tippy toes) most famous terrorist in the world was a no show.
THAT’S called failure.
Obama found Osama before the end of his first term.
THAT’S called leadership.
I doubt if Bush could have found Waldo or Carmen San Diego.
Hell, Matt Lauer would still be missing if Bush ran the Today Show.
Oh and least we forget when it comes to finding things or people Bush is a HUGE 0 for 2. “Hey! Any body remembers where we put the Weapons of Mass Destruction? W is looking for them.”
Wait a sec, I was wrong. Bush is not 0 for 2 in the finding things department. I have to be fair he’s 2 for 2.
He found two wars and single handedly made sure we kept those.
Jeremiah Avery
May 6, 2011 - 7:50 am
So, it’s a good thing your time machine hasn’t been built yet?
Doug Abramson
May 6, 2011 - 8:42 am
MOTU,
You’re NOT a cult leader?!?
Marc Alan Fishman
May 6, 2011 - 9:30 am
Doug, he absolutely is. I just got my packet in the mail yesterday. I got some orange robes, a tambourine, and a small death ray keychain…
Doug Abramson
May 6, 2011 - 9:35 am
DEATH RAY KEYCHAIN!!!! MOTU, you’re holding out on me!
Jeremiah Avery
May 6, 2011 - 9:57 am
Man, what I wouldn’t give for that death ray keychain!
Vinnie Bartilucci
May 6, 2011 - 10:21 am
“Saying Bush was responsible for killing Osama is like saying Lincoln was responsible for Motown.”
Welllll…..
Bush started an intelligence-gathering process which eventually allowed enough data to be collected and collated that Obama could be presented with sufficient data that he could give the order. IIRC, they data about the courier was obtained during the Bush administration, and it took a couple more years to get enough more to make a move possible.
Bush does not deserve all the credit, nor does he deserve none. He Helped. He built the kitchen and laid in some stuff in the pantry; Obama got the rest of the ingredients and made the cake.
And it appears that Obama thought so as well, or he likely wouldn’t have invited him to the recent memorial event at Ground Zero. Bush chose not to attend, and that’s been a massive hotbed of discussion on the talk shows – was it a snub, was it an attempt to let Obama have his moment, or one of any other interpretations.
The main reason the Right wants Bush to get any credit is to pull some away from Obama. Again, you NEVER want to see your opponent get a point in their column, unless you can in some way show you were a major part of it. What we’re seeing is a grand game of “I let you win”.
R. Maheras
May 6, 2011 - 10:41 am
MOTU — Kudos to President Obama for having the political gumption to order the raid, but saying “he” found Osama bin Laden is like saying Lincoln was responsible for Motown (to coin a phrase from a certain Master of the Universe).
It was the U.S. intelligent community who found bin Laden — an intelligence community that is largely apolitical, and one that pretty much does its day-to-day intel stuff regardless of who the leadership political appointees du jour may be.
But if you really want to get all political about what happened, the courier information that directly led to bin Laden’s death was actually gleaned during the Bush years, as was most, if not all of the stealth and monitoring technology (since, as anyone familiar with such stuff could tell you, the lead times for research, development, testing and fielding is a helluva lot longer than two years).
In addition, since Navy Seals training takes so long, I’d even wager that most, if not all of the Seals who participated in the raid were originally sworn in under the Bush (or even the Clinton) presidency.
So instead of slathering on a bunch of partisan BS, why not just say thanks to all of the people who made the fall of bin Laden possible, and leave it at that?
Doing so does not in any way diminish the credit owed to Obama and his administration for seeing through a job which actually started under the Clinton administration after the FIRST attack on the World Trade Center in 1993.
Reg
May 6, 2011 - 1:37 pm
“The reason these people succeed with these scams is that the people who fall for this shit are even stupider than they are.”
Yepper.
Oh yeah, I found this the other night and it’s since gone viral. Give brother Crosson a JOB!! He worked this dope joint up within days of the USL death slap!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlOIy6QEbes&feature=player_embedded
😀 😀 😀
Mike Gold
May 6, 2011 - 1:37 pm
Russ, if the move on bin Ladin went the way of Carter’s move on Iran, you know damn well that the Republicans would be screaming it was OBAMA’S raid, that OBAMA fucked up, that OBAMA made the world a more dangerous place ans that OBAMA should be impeached. But went swell, and the Republicans give everybody BUT Obama credit for the victory. And overnight, Birthers became Deathers and Palin became Treasonous Cunt of the Century.
As for our intelligence forces, yes, they found Obama. They found him in 2007. This is a fact. A CIA/MI6 agent told us exactly where he was a couple years later — I believe MOTU was there, too. It was at a restaurant in San Diego, where Brother Grell drew a Batman on the tablecloth that the staff wanted to keep. Adriane, Linda and I certainly were there. My friend said bin Ladin was in “a large compound outside of Islamabad,” and that’s right where we found him. Right where your hero Bush knew he was. Right where the CIA AND Google Maps had the compound photos before, during and after the build-out.
Give Bush credit? Fuck that shit. Give Bush credit for covering bin Ladin’s ass for seven years, just like he covered bin Ladin’s family right after 9-11 (trademark 2001 Rudy Giuliani, All Rights Reserved). George W Bush should be shot for treason, and our Navy Seals should be the firing squad. Anything ELSE is a partian response.
Bravo it up all you want: Bush failed to bring the fucker down, and Barack Obama pulled it off. Suck it up, pal.
carlos franco
May 6, 2011 - 2:19 pm
LMAO Lincoln was resposible for Motown!!!!!
Reg
May 6, 2011 - 2:23 pm
Asbestos draws (that’s Southern for undies) anyone?? Whew! Dr. Gold comes with the FIYAH!
😀
Mike Gold
May 6, 2011 - 2:32 pm
Bona fides on my above comment, for those who might question: the conversation regarding bin Ladin’s Pakistani estate was at Dick’s Last Resort restaurant, 345 4th Ave San Diego. We were there either July 19, 2009 or July 27, 2008 (but I believe it was 2009). We were seated at a long table inside the restaurant, towards the rear from the door and the side opposite that of the bar.
Joining us at the event were Adriane Nash, Linda Gold, Michael Davis, Mike Grell, Mike Raub, Kai Raub, Peter David, and I think Martha Thomases and MDW columnist Art Tebbel (certainly if it was 2009), and I believe one or two others. That doesn’t mean everybody heard this conversation, but enough did and everybody might have.
If you believe in the Jewish version of the afterlife — and Linda certainly didn’t, nor do I — then Osama and Linda could be talking about this conversation as early as March, 2012.
MOTU
May 6, 2011 - 3:20 pm
I SO agree with Mike-if the raid went south the GOP would have been made Obama the reason for the coming doom for not just the USA but the Earth, no the entire Universe would have ceased to exist because of Obama’s massive mistake.
Also, Bush may have gotten the ball rolling after 911 but MAYBE he should have started a WEE BIT sooner like when he read an intelligence memo titled “OBL determined to attack w/in the US” he received in august of 2001.
Lastly-here’s why Bush should get NO juice on this. HE was in charge for 8 years and under his direction no Obama but 2 wars.
Obama is in charge NOW and under his direction Osama has a bullet in his head and sleeps with the fishes and this before the end of his first term.
I can’t wait to see how the GOP tries to spend this.
Damn-I guess we DO want Obama to answer the phone at 3am.
MOTU
May 6, 2011 - 3:22 pm
I meant–I can’t wait to see how the GOP tries to SPIN this.
You know, public school.
Doug Abramson
May 6, 2011 - 3:32 pm
MOTU,
Don’t you mean when Bush DIDN’T read an intelligence memo titled “OBL determined to attack w/in US”? W aint bright, but I have to believe that his reading comprehension is way, way above the level needed to understand that memo.
MOTU
May 6, 2011 - 3:50 pm
I can’t say for sure if he read it or not. Hell I can’t say for sure if he can even read.
Doug Abramson
May 6, 2011 - 7:05 pm
Aw, sure he can read! Mongo taught him how right after he gave him elocution lessons. 🙂
Martha Thomases
May 7, 2011 - 6:56 am
@Mike: I remember the conversation, but I thought it was at MOTU’s party.
R. Maheras
May 8, 2011 - 4:03 am
Mike — Do you honestly believe that Bush knew for sure where OBL was and didn’t pull the trigger? That’s partisan mind-clouded horseshit. Yeah, Bush made a public “I don’t care where bin Laden is” statement a time or two, but you can tell from his body language that it was just his typical irritation with what he perceived (often rightfully so) a hyper-critical press.
There’s no doubt in my mind that if Bush knew for sure OBL was alive (for awhile there, many weren’t sure, remember?), and he knew where he was, Bush would have ordered an attack in a heartbeat.
Regarding your other point that if Obama’s ordered strike had failed it would have been his “Jimmy Carter” moment — isn’t that stating the obvious?
Of course it would have. If Carter’s raid had succeeded, he may have been re-elected, but it’s success, like Bush the Elder’s military success with the first Gulf War, was no guarantee of a shoe-in election. But the Iran hostage rescue raid failure, along with all of Carter’s other failures as president, was icing on the cake.
And that’s why I have so much respect for Obama’s decision. He knew it was a huge political risk compared to sending in a few Hellfire missiles, and he no doubt thought thought of the Carter parallels, but he opted to send a team in anyway. But you can bet your ass that when the attack was unfolding and that copter went down in front of those watching, visions of Carter briefly danced in some of their heads — including Obama’s.
But fortunately, Obama’s raid did not fail, so kudos to him and Seal Team 6.
Reg
May 8, 2011 - 9:49 pm
Illuminating interview. On multiple levels.
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504803_162-20060530-10391709.html?tag=watchnow
R. Maheras
May 8, 2011 - 11:57 pm
Great interview.
You know you guys… being right most of the time is sometimes an awful cross for me to bear.
BTW, I like Obama’s decision even better after reading the transcript of his “60 Minutes” interview. It was a gutsy call.
And Mike, Note that Obama states that this was the first chance we had to POSSIBLY get bin Laden since he slipped through the lines during the Tora Bora campaign. That means all the crap from the left about how Bush knew where bin Laden was and did nothing is just that — crap.
JT
May 10, 2011 - 1:59 pm
MOTU, IF that is your name. I thought it was PURPLE lover! I enjoyed this one, keep up the good work. All the best to you.
Mike Gold
May 11, 2011 - 1:27 pm
Russ, no it doesn’t in the least. What I cited above, in detail, was also stated on the air by Christiane Amanpour in 2008. And she wasn’t alone.
Of course, the Right would say all that was part of a well-coordinated international conspiracy on the Left to humiliate Bush. If that were to be so, that would be a first. If that were so, it would have to have been with the cooperation of the CIA and MI6 (again, see my comments above) and THAT would be a first. Either way, it would have been a stupid waste of time as Mr. Bush was ever the self-humiliating scumbag. But not as big an asshole as Andy Card.
All Obama’s statement means is that he’s continuing on his namby-pampy “aw shucks” ways. The motherfucker can’t even take credit for kicking ass WHEN he’s kicking ass.
Or he’s covering the same security interests that Bush was covering, and, of course, by “security” I mean the blood-sucking oil industry to which our nation is beholden. I’ll let you decide which; I’m astonished that you said such nice things about Obama, even if you’re reciting the “Ohhh, ohhh, Bush is great, Bush did it all, Bush is god, Bush is great” far-right mantra. All hail the fucking double-legacy turd-in-chief.
Jesus Fuck A Shit Souffle, folks. And now Newt is the best you can do? The anti-Trump? There is no Republican party, and there hasn’t been since Ev Dirksen died.
R. Maheras
May 11, 2011 - 3:29 pm
Geez, Mike. Obama said what he said because he’s the guy reading the classified intel briefs every single day, and he’s the guy regularly talking to the intel professionals who’s job it is to dig for this stuff regardless of which party is in office. And even though the intel folks had been scrutinizing that compound for many months with probably every single intel resource imagineable, they STILL only could give President Obama odds of 55-45 percent that bin Laden was actually inside.
I can’t believe you’re actually siding with the media on this (that is, SOME of the media). From the get-go, the whole thing smelled to me like a partisan-fueled smear. I mean, c’mon… wasn’t it some of these same folks who earlier portrayed Bush as a trigger-happy cowboy? It contradicts the left’s own original narrative, and I’ll bet every last one of my Marvel Value Stamps that it’s all total horseshit — and I’ve got the most powerful guy in the free world backing MY conjecture.
Go back and watch that interview one more time. Obama makes the statement about the bin Laden’s unknown whereabouts casually and without prejudice. There’s no evasion… no qualifying… no careful pause to choose the right words… no hint at all that Bush knew anything more than Obama did before last summer, when the courier pieces finally fell into place.
As far as the Gingrich goes, I think he’s making a mistake. But the fact that he knows this is probably his last chance to make any political noise during his lifetime must have loomed large in his decision. I guess the “legacy ego” really starts kicking in after the age of 65. Maybe Newt’s secretly hoping for a VP nomination, because I can’t believe that he really thinks he’s a viable contender against Obama.
MOTU
May 11, 2011 - 3:42 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm5IEWotkfE
Nuff said
Mike Gold
May 11, 2011 - 4:05 pm
Re: Bin Laden’s Secret Hideout: You know, I think if they trashed the shit out of it and then it turned out he wasn’t there, a lot of Americans like myself would have said, “Well, that’s too bad, but at least we got his home… and his computers… and his meds… and a couple of his wives.” That would be nice in and of itself. Particularly now that we’re hearing what was on those computers. However, if we had the place under surveillance since August, it’s a bit odd to think that we only had a 50-50 bet down on if Bin Laden would be home when the Seals dropped by for tea.
Re: Newt being a viable contender. As opposed to whom? The so-called Republicans don’t have a good candidate. Pawlenty? Maybe, but in order to get the nomination he’ll have to suck up to the Tea Baggers, and that’s a deal-killer for a lot of independents as well as a lot of old bewildered Republicans. Mitt? The dude invented Romneycare. You know, what the Tea Baggers call Obamacare. Which is what I call “Somebodyfuckingcare.”
The problem here is not left vs right or Democrats vs Republicans. The problem here is the two-party system. If we had Libertarians, Conservatives, Republicans, Democrats, and Progressives each with their own party (not to exclude others), people’s beliefs could be better represented and I firmly believe more people would vote.
This is not to say that a single candidate couldn’t get the nomination of more than one party. Compared to the two-party system, the multiple party system where a candidate could score more than one party nomination works fairly well in New York State… compared to the two-party system. But that’s not going to happen as long as our candidates have to suck at the corporate teats.
If we were to reduce the entire thing to six weeks — beginning to end, including primaries and conventions — this wouldn’t be an issue. It’s really that simple. Oh, OK. If nobody gets 50.1% of the popular vote in the election, we hold a run-off of all those who got 20% or more two, count ’em TWO, weeks later.
R. Maheras
May 11, 2011 - 5:48 pm
Mike wrote: “If we were to reduce the entire thing to six weeks — beginning to end, including primaries and conventions — this wouldn’t be an issue. It’s really that simple.”
Yeah. I agree. the whole process is becoming more and more awkward every election cycle, and needs to be streamlined. But since both parties are in agreement about one thing — the fact they like the status quo — I doubt much is ever going to change.
And the Republican field IS weak, but it was weak in 2008 as well. SOMEONE has to run, but Gingrich? He had his day. He’s a seasoned pol, but he’s ever struck me as very personable or charismatic, and he’s got more baggage than Third World bus.
MOTU — I respect Maher because he can turn a phrase as good as anyone, but, like Rush Limbaugh, he makes his living by throwing red meat to his base in the form of selectively intermixed facts and partisan bullshit.
R. Maheras
May 11, 2011 - 6:00 pm
Correction: I meant to say Gingrich “NEVER struck me as very personable…”
Also, I think I just coined a new phrase: “He’s got more baggage than a Third World bus.”
But on reflection, I’d change it to a better sounding “He’s carrying more baggage than a Third-World bus.”
A Google search for either variation comes up empty.
Mike Gold
May 12, 2011 - 6:03 am
The third-world bus line is fantastic. I’m jealous.
I have to think Gingrich is trying to power-broker. Gather as much support as he can and then trade it for a cabinet position or something. Or he’s a megalomaniac.
Unlike Rush Limbaugh, Bill Maher is funny and sometimes he’ll go for the joke at the expense of his point. Also unlike Rush, Bill is polite — at least initially — to those of opposing views, often admonishing his audience when they are rude to a guest from the Right. And he’s gotten over booking the traditional dumb blonde Republican; he often has folks from the Right who are capable of making sense. As opposed to the stupid sitting ducks from the Left that Fox uses as “fairness” fodder.
Strictly in terms of technique, Maher is the living reincarnation of Johnny Carson. His timing and his mannerisms are strictly Carson. And I mean that as a compliment. Big time. Of course Carson had the same position with Jack Benny. And Benny got a lot of his technique from Frank Faye, who died before anybody gave a damn about comedy evolution, but you can see the vaudeville straight man roots in Faye’s work. So from this perspective, I find Bill Maher riveting.
The fact that he is steel balls to truth also helps a lot. The 911 bombers were NOT cowards. And too many Americans keep themselves in a state of stupidity with malice aforethought — Leftish, Rightish and in-between. We agree about religion (his documentary was surprisingly even-handed), we disagree about PeTA.
And at the end of the day, I have a hard time trusting a guy who smokes so much weed who is so damn skinny. How the hell does that work?