Flashpoint: Citizen Cold #1 Review, by Marc Alan Fishman – Snarky Synopses #10
June 19, 2011 Marc Fishman 0 Comments
Flashpoint: Citizen Cold #1
Written and illustrated by Scott Kolins
I know, I know, I know. It’s been nearly a month since we last spoke, my friends. Why? I could go on about how my father was in the hospital. I could make excuses about how my house’s ceiling is literally caving in. I could even try to convince you that the evil Reverse Marc (he’s known as Farc Mishman) used his speed powers to leap our entire universe into an alternative dimension where my column wasn’t in existence… and that you all never knew I had a column in the first place. But, that’d be predictable, silly, and not worth your time. So, let’s leave it at this: I’m sorry for missing a few weeks, and I’m back to spit some venom all over you fine folks. This week? Let’s tackle the first in a mini-series tie-in to the EPIC, GROUND BREAKING, COMPLETELY WORTHLESS Flashpoint series. Shall we? I bring you the chilly champion of Central City… Citizen Cold #1. And it’s bitterly crappy.
For those not in-the-know, here’s the Fishapedia™ 411: In the world of Flashpoint, the Reverse Flash used his speed force powers to drive our Earth into a parallel timeline where heroes are bad, villains are good, and none of it matters at all. At all. AT ALL. But we should care, because, well, DC want to sell books. And underwear. And bed sheets. And Hostess cakes. And action figures. But I digress. Simply put, the world of Flashpoint is yet another Elseworld tale, with the threat that if Barry “Milquetoast” Allen can’t get his speed back, we’ll be stuck in it’s crapulence. This is of course until September, when DC has announced it’ll reboot it’s entire line of comic books, thus negating any effects of this crossover deal. Since I’m a glutton for punishment, I picked up this mini (along with a handful of others featuring at least a few novel ideas I thought might be worth a snicker or two). Citizen Cold is in fact the Flash rogue Captain Cold, here set in the world where the Flash isn’t around. It would seem by the cover and solicitation, in a world without a scarlet speedster, Captain Cold warms the hearts of the citizens of Central City. But is all as it would seem?
Nope.
Citizen Cold #1 starts with a simple premise, and doesn’t yield at all; Our titular hero is an ass. That’s it. Scott Kolins, a long time Flash artist and sometimes writer, rehashes the same jerk we’ve grown to love and loathe from the pages of “in-continuity” Flash books, and sets him loose on a town without any other protectors. Kolins crams this idea of the “Super Heroic Dickwad” down our throats at every corner of his cartoonish comic, and it makes for a quick and painful read. We are asked, with every flip of a page, to believe that the people in this city don’t notice that Citizen Cold is a “House” level maniac. He kills super villains in public. He sweet talks reporters with creepy curt witticisms, and then all but demands sex. He pays no attention to supporters (who all love to shout “Cold Snap!” when he fights folks, seriously…) and gives them all, yuck yuck yuck, the cold shoulder. It’s a big pill to swallow, and frankly, one that makes the book pretty terrible. I’d purchased the book in hopes of seeing that without a fast foe to fight, Cold would be a stand-up guy. Ten seconds into the issue, that was crushed like so many cube in my glass of water.
We come along for the self-narrated exploits of Snart (that’s Cold, for those who don’t know) as he fights Mr. Freeze. Victor was lured to town with hopes of a cure for his dying wife. Big surprise? Cold set the trap, and proceeds to blast the ever loving crap out of him, while convincing us of his fighting prowess with lines like this: “He may be freeze, but I’m colder.”. Now, I’m paraphrasing here, but this illustrates a thorn in my paw when it comes to Captain, err Admiral, err Commander, err… Citizen Cold. He’s essentially a slightly-smarter-than-a-typical-goon who eventually figured out how to create a ray that reduces molecules to absolute zero. He’s just a jerk with a gun. And from this single premise, we’re to believe he’s a formidable fighter? Past that, Cold has always been the guy with a “code” to follow, be him a do-gooder or do-badder. It would seem in most universes all this “poor guy whose daddy beat him senseless, so we should feel bad for him” is really just in it for the money. Makes me question why he’d don a parka and some low-rent solar eclipse glasses, when he could just patent his gun and make a fortune instead. Oh well, that’d be employing a level of common sense devoid in bad comics like this one. To end the issue, bigger spoiler, Wally West is the Pied Piper (don’t even try to figure that out folks, again, RETCON in September means this is a waste anyways…), and Snart has blasted him into a Flash-cicle. Seems he has eyes for Iris. Oh yeah, she’s in there too, because she’s a staple in Flash books too. Didn’t see that coming? Yeah, you did.
Kolins’ art is the best part of the book, if that means anything. His well-shaded pencils combine a cartoony style that creates very emotionally expressive characters. His Cold is butt-fugly, but always well proportioned. A few missteps here and there don’t take away from the energetic art on the page, when he gets a little sloppy. A few times within the issue, Kolins gets a little to fancy for his own good, when it comes to page layout. It’s only a sign that the guy is really working his keester off though, so it didn’t take away from the overall quality to the art. My hat is off to him for his work ethic. I only wish he’d perhaps worked with some other writers/editors, who could have created a bit more depth to the one dimensional Cold. With as thin a plot as Kolins gives us in this first issue, his art is simply not enough to carry the weight of quality I’d hoped to see.
In Flash #182 “Absolute Zero”, written by a then-still-amazing Geoff Johns, we got perhaps the definitive Captain Cold book. In it, we got all we’d ever need to know about the character, delivered succinctly to us in 32 pages. Ever since, it seems like Johns, Kolins, and the DC editorial staff has been riding the coattails of that book in hopes of banking a little cash. Suffice to say, while that single issue gave both perspective and depth to a generally laughable villain, ultimately Cold isn’t someone worthy of his own title. Even in this small scale of just a mini-series… the “jerk as the protagonist” angle is just not working. In 20 or so pages, we learn that Cold doesn’t differentiate himself at all from his normal “in-continuity” persona; Because of that, this book just feels like a millstone grinding it’s $2.99 out of the Rogue fans, for no greater reason than lining the pockets of the brothers Warner. Simply put, this reeks of “by-the-books” predictability that has been my single biggest gripe of this whole Flashpoint series. If you’re going to push the envelope these days, you can’t phone in issue after issue of things we’ve seen before.
Sorry to be so cold about it folks, but, that’s how the ice crushes sometimes.
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Marc Alan Fishman is a digital artist, writer, and co-founder of Unshaven Comics. When Marc isn’t knee-deep in graphic design, he’s also a contributor to ComicMix.com, an occasional stand-up comedian, as well as freelancer extraordinaire.