Like My Dad 2, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #222
June 17, 2011 Michael Davis 12 Comments
Whitney wrote a wonderful opus this week. It was a wonderful tribute to her father. Sunday’s Father’s Day and Whitney has inspired me to write my own ode to Daddy. You might want to reread her words before you read this, in fact please do read it again as I wrote this using her work as a template.
The man I want to track down and beat like Rodney King is my Dad.
He will have two black eyes and he will look at me with those black eyes and beg me to stop beating him like Rodney King.
At night I will sneak into his home and beat him like Rodney King. I will be laughing as I hit him repeatedly with as many Father’s Day cards I can steal from Hallmark. There is nothing precious I need to remember from other years because the bastard was not there so how the Hell could I remember anything precious?
Yeah, you guessed it, I’m a bit bitter.
No wait, I’ll remember I used the word ‘precious’ more than once while writing this so in remembrance of that I’ll continue to beat him until those Hallmark cards become confetti.
He won’t be able to carry himself to any other room because of the discomfort he will suffer. The main discomfort will be the many Father’s Day Hallmark cards that will be shoved…it’s father’s day so out of respect I won’t go there.
I will pick up every table and hit him with it. He will be lucky to come out of this alive.
The words I speak will be loud and would make a gangster rapper think I was a bit harsh.
The man I want to deny emergency medical help too after his beat down is my Dad.
I’ll be pissed like Moses after he came down from the mountain and saw his people drinking 40’s and creating false idols.
He will be frightened as my hand pulls more Hallmark cards out of my backpack. Even more frightened when I pull out a dead squirrel and beat him with that.
He will look at me and in my face see my life voyages without him. The missed birthdays, games of catch and missed opportunities to present a positive male role model to a black child will sail up on his conciseness like those asshole Canadians who just lost the Stanley cup.
Shit.
The above is really not healthy for me and I would not want any of what I’ve written above to happen to anyone.
Except My Dad.
Reg
June 17, 2011 - 7:18 am
Sheesh. No one will ever be able to accuse the mOTu of not keeping it real.
@ The mOTu…in spite of all odds & every statistic, the MAN that stares back at you from your mirror is a living, giving, brilliant example and testament of what it means to be one.
Shane Kelly
June 17, 2011 - 7:23 am
Pffffft…and you said you needed therapy…I think you have a pretty good handle on it.
Martha Thomases
June 17, 2011 - 9:15 am
I think you should find a rental father, someone who will play catch with you in the back yard and put your art work on his refrigerator.
Mike Gold
June 17, 2011 - 1:37 pm
Well, I’ve got MOTU’s art on my fridge, but that’s as far as it goes.
Chris Gumprich
June 17, 2011 - 7:24 pm
The best thing my father taught me was how not to be a father.
I look at my kids now and realize they are the same age that my sister and I were when he walked out of our lives, and I wonder just what kind of man would do that.
MOTU
June 17, 2011 - 10:04 pm
Chris,
You watch the door, I’ll steal enough Hallmark cards for both of us.
MOTU
June 17, 2011 - 10:10 pm
All,
I’m sure you all know I wrote the above as satire. Yes, I think my father was a Dick but that in NO way reflects on Dad’s like Whitney’s, Martha’s or anyone who has a GREAT Dad.
As you know, I don’t tend to envy shit but when it comes to great Dad’s I do feel a bit of that particular deadly sin.
To all those Great Dad’s out there, Happy Father’s Day!
MOTU
June 17, 2011 - 10:13 pm
All you other sperm donors, Happy Die Alone Day!
Mike Gold
June 18, 2011 - 5:27 am
Hmmm. Am I the only one here who’s a father?
Shane Kelly
June 18, 2011 - 11:33 am
@Mike: No sir you are no alone, I am a father as well.
MOTU
June 18, 2011 - 1:19 pm
Now that I think of it, I have had lots of girls answer “YOU!!” When I’ve asked them the question, “Who’s your Daddy?”
pennie
June 19, 2011 - 4:37 am
Now that I think of it, I have had lots of girls answer “YOU!!” When I’ve asked them the question, “Who’s your Daddy?”
I always ask, “Where’s your mama?”