Spanish Harlem: The New Spider-Man, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #230

August 12, 2011 Michael Davis 13 Comments

I wrote the following for Comicmix earlier this week. On the SMALL chance that there are some people who don’t follow my every written word no matter what the website (FAN, COMICMIX, MDW) I’m running it here also…

When I came back to Comic Mix it was decided that the focus would be on comics and related media. My former column was often politically charged and often had nothing to do with comics.

I still write weekly rants about politics and other things that drive me nuts on my website, michaeldavisworld.com but Comicmix should be about comics!!

Glenn Beck has a problem with Marvel’s decision to create a half Latino half Black Spider-Man.

Now, now… I’m NOT going go on a Glenn Beck is a racist bastard tirade. I’m a man of my word and this IS about comics!

Glenn Beck has written a few best-seller books. So I was wondering what the new Spider-Man would be like written by Mr. Beck. He is a very successful writer and his views would bring something new to the superhero genre…

Spider-Man: The Rice & Beans War

By Glenn Beck

So far Juan and Manny had no problem driving their rented U-Haul truck in Arizona. It was late and as Juan dozed Manny listened to the sweet sounds of James Brown on the trucks radio. Manny loved R&B. Manny’s father was black, his mother Mexican and had inherited traits from them both.

Juan snoozed on while Manny continued to listen to soul music while at the same time he was enjoying rice and beans. This was a happy time for Manny. Whenever he was in his happy place alone with his thoughts he would play his happy place game.

Where oh where is my daddy?

That was the name of the game Manny would play in his head. Manny’s father had left when Manny was just seven years old. He had chosen seven because that’s the best time for a black father to leave his family. Seven gives the child ample time to grow to love daddy thus assuring the pain on the child is, well…painful. Seven also allow the memory of that fateful day, especially the image of daddy walking out the door one last time to be forever etched in the kid’s brain.

Coincidently, seven is also a great age for mommy to start telling the kid, “Your daddy didn’t want you, that’s why he left!” Or “It’s because of YOU your daddy didn’t stay with me!” Or my favorite, “He’s not your daddy! Who is? How would I know? I’m a stereotypic Latino single mother and I’ve had dozens of lovers and dozens of children so how the Hell would I know who you daddy is? Now, past me my crack pipe and don’t wake up your new uncle who’s in the bed next to me boy!”

So Manny passed the late night into the early morning playing; where oh where is my daddy?

Then Manny’s world changed.

A knock came from inside the cargo area of the U-Haul. Manny thought it was just a road noise, it happened again, and again. Manny now knew the sound was coming from the back of the truck.

“Damn!”  Manny thought.  He thought this in Spanish in fact Manny spoke and thought mostly in Spanish because he simply did not know that God thinks that any language other than English is Satan speak.  Manny stopped the truck, “Juan!” He shouted at the sleeping man beside him who did not stir, “Juan!”

Juan opened his eyes slowly. “What is it? Is it time for my siesta? How many times do I have to tell you if I’m already sleep you don’t have to wake me up to tell me it’s time for my siesta??”  “Juan-our illegal brothers and sisters we are transporting to a better life here in Arizona are banging on the cab. Perhaps you should see what’s…OUCH!”

A spider that had hitched a ride (after escaping a nuclear testing laboratory) had bitten Manny.

Manny felt faint…

When Manny awoke he was looking down the gun barrel of an Arizona’s state trooper’s gun. Juan and his illegal brothers and sisters they were transporting to a better life here in Arizona were all sitting on the side of the road hands on head encircled by other state troopers. Something in Manny’s head was tingling, as if it was some kind of warning. Manny looked around for something he did not know what until he found it, the spider he was bitten by.

“That’s your spider sense Ese!” said the spider.

End of part 1