The Great Collapse, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise
August 20, 2011 Martha Thomases 1 Comment
My son was visiting this week. As with most of his visits, we didn’t get to see him all that much. He was here with his improv group for the Del Close Marathon, and they killed. Since he was the native New Yorker, my son was naturally the person who showed his colleagues where to eat, where to drink, where (and how) to walk. When he wasn’t with them, he was with his friends from school.
Even so, we got to spend a bunch of time with him (it’s just never enough). We went out to eat, we went to the movies, we even went to the theater. Most of our time together, however, consisted of sitting next to each other in the living room, him with his computer and headphones, me with my knitting and the television on.
For a time, I worried that I was a bad Mom, that I wasn’t effectively communicating my utter and total adoration. Or I should be imparting words of wisdom, things I learned from suffering so that he shouldn’t suffer.
And then. I’d remember how I felt at his age, how everything my parents said to me seemed like an intrusion into my life and a lack of respect for the choices I made. Maybe I’d been too hard on them.
A year ago this week, I was in Florida, visiting my father for what would be his last birthday. We would sit together, me reading or knitting, him watching sports or CNBC on television and dozing. I would describe myself as the world’s most boring houseguest, but it was very companionable. We had our battles decades ago, and if they weren’t resolved (because I learned my stubbornness from the master), we had accepted a truce. We had decided that our relationship – our family – was more important than being right.
Do you know those collapsible cups you take camping? The kind that you can carry easily in your pocket, but still use for drinking? That’s what it felt like. The 30 years that separate me from my son collapsed like a drinking cup.
Maybe my father was trying to effectively communicate his utter and total adoration. If so, there’s a flaw in the system, and I need to fix it before another generation misses out.
Media Goddess Martha Thomases gets another chance with her boy next week, when they go to Walt Disney World. Waiting on line there is one of the great bonding experiences of their lives together.
Uncle Robbie
August 20, 2011 - 11:17 am
I occasionally have a pang of regret that I will never know what it’s like to be ignored by my own offspring.
And then the miniature mezzo next door goes into her favorite aria of “DADDY!DADDY!DADDY!DADDY!DAAAAADDYYYYYY!” and I finish my smart cocktail with a smile on my face. Two sides to every coin.
Martha Thomases
August 20, 2011 - 11:25 am
He doesn’t ignore me. In fact, he engages with us much more fully than I did with my folks. It’s just that, as a Jewish mother, it’s never enough.
Howard Cruse
August 20, 2011 - 11:32 am
I was thirty when it hit me that there had been a time when my mom had been my age. Our communication improved after that. (Unfortunately my dad died before I could have that revelation about him.)
Reg
August 20, 2011 - 12:20 pm
Martha said…”Media Goddess Martha Thomases gets another chance with her boy next week, when they go to Walt Disney World. Waiting on line there is one of the great bonding experiences of their lives together.”
Not to mention liberally spraying each other with sunscreen and water while making every effort to avoid succumbing to heat exhaustion. 😀
Eat, drink and have loads of family laughter at Mickey’s House!
Reg
August 20, 2011 - 12:27 pm
p.s. Martha, I would LOVE to get your assessment of how Walt and co. represent the contributions of African culture to the world as you stroll thru Epcot.
Ed
August 20, 2011 - 3:09 pm
@Reg “It’s a Small World After All” (the ride) sums up the Disney world-view pretty neatly: No matter where in the world you live, no matter what color the Imagineers have painted your face, we are all basically little white Americans.
MOTU
August 20, 2011 - 7:13 pm
Ed,
I’ll make a note to tell the next cab driver that passes me your Disney words of wisdom. Maybe they will stop & pick me up. 😉
Swayze
August 20, 2011 - 10:42 pm
Jewish has nothing to do with it, Martha. Not a drop of chosen blood in my veins and I feel the same way. There is never enough.
Martha Thomases
August 21, 2011 - 7:32 am
@Reg: It’s been about 15 years since I’ve been to Epcot, where Africa was not represented at all. So I haven’t seen anything new, nor have I seen the Animal Kingdom (which I think is supposed to be African?).
However, I do know that Walt was a terrible racist and anti-Semite. I also know that the parks don’t reflect his politics – certainly not Epcot, which opened after he died. I’ve always found the creative choices in terms of narrators, voice actors, etc. to be quite inclusive. And the film in the American Adventure, which is re-cut to update it frequently, never fails to astonish me with its range. I’ve seen Abbie Hoffman, Cesar Chavez, Woodie Guthrie and other surprises in it.
John Tebbel
August 21, 2011 - 9:07 am
The people in Hollywood who were really responsible for the foundation of racism and anti-Semitism were all there before Walt arrived from Kansas City and each one of those bastards pretty much got away with everything. Their names are everywhere you look, on street signs and carved in stone. No, Walt didn’t cure himself of all his prejudices and blathered on when the smarter bosses kept their mouths shut and made their money. Their kids and grandkids get a big laugh when Walt Forking Disney takes the heat for the racism and anti-semitism. Kind of makes you believe in transubstantiation. (How do you pronounce “Los Angeles”?)
Martha Thomases
August 21, 2011 - 9:32 am
No one claimed that Walt Disney was the only anti-Semitic racist in Hollywood, nor the worst. He was, however, the person whose name is on WDW, and therefore relevant to this discussion.
Anyway, isn’t the entertainment industry controlled by those clannish, money-grubbing Jews? You know, people like Rupert Murdoch, Peter Chernin, Oprah, Richard Parsons, et al?
Reg
August 21, 2011 - 4:08 pm
@ Ed & Martha…Not trying to rob the primary focus of Martha’s paean to parenthood, but regarding WDW (Epcot) and their willingness to take Black green minus any modicum of cultural respect for same, I was stunned to anger to find that nestled between the fantastically detailed and extravagant representations of America, Italy, Norway, and China was WDW’s homage to Africa…an unmanned thatched roof trading outpost with kitschy skull canes, drums, and a hotdog stand.
Not a replica of the Temple of Luxor, nor a Ethiopian castle, nor a representation of Great Zimbabwe or even Timbuktu… Nope! The best that the birthplace of all humanity and civilization could warrant was hotdogs and Ju-Ju trinkets.
Yeah…after that display of love, this native became too restless to stay and spend any more of my coin.
John Tebbel
August 21, 2011 - 5:52 pm
Disney’s karma has preceded him. None of his parks have been popular among black people. In LA it breaks down whites and Asians at Disney, Blacks and Latino at Knott’s Berry Farm, though plenty white folks go Knotts. Not sure about Jews.
From Wikipedia, “An Equatorial Africa pavilion was planned but never built. It would have featured a large African presentation film hosted by Alex Haley. A small African themed refreshment stop is now in its place, known as the Outpost. After Disney’s Animal Kingdom—an African-and-Asian-themed animal preserve and park—opened, any plans for an African Pavilion were dropped.” I also learned that only Morocco is a government-paid pavilion, the rest being corporate sponsorships. Clearly leaving the prototype “refreshment stop” themed as it is is stupid and lazy.
They also say “Australia, Russia, Spain, Venezuela, United Arab Emirates, and Israel never made it past the planning phase.”
Epcot as a world’s fair of sorts must live down the history of a form that was principally interested in displays of colonial (stolen) riches: animal, vegetable, mineral and human. Egyptian, and African, etc., “villages” were the norm. Populated by displaced persons not exactly free to go even if they knew the language. It was the “Streets of Cairo” with LIttle Egypt and the hoochy-coochy, no pyramids, no civilization visible that wasn’t the host country’s or the other “great power” guests whose entangling alliances might allow them to exhibit at this or that fair as long as the site was propitious.
Martha– Was my point missed? That LA was racist and anti-semitic before any movie business decided that was a place to be. The movie business people din’t build that city, they made movies, and when they found out the city that had been built didn’t have room for them at their golf courses and private schools they had to build those, too.
Disney was excluded right along with every other movie maker (read:carny), and the movie makers shunned him because he made cartoons. Just like the people who made comics in New York. Self respecting businessmen don’t take nickels from children.
Martha Thomases
August 22, 2011 - 6:20 am
@John. You’re point wasn’t missed, but it’s irrelevant. We were talking about Disney and his strengths and weaknesses. There will always be worse people somewhere (and better, too). that doesn’t make a discussion of the creator’s humanity irrelevant.
Some of my favorite writers were terrible people. William Burroughs killed his wife, but I love his books. To understand art and talent, sometimes you have to look under the rock. However, that’s no more the whole story than what’s above the rock.
R. Maheras
August 22, 2011 - 11:03 am
Martha — It’s tough being a parent. You’ve got to know when to cloy, gush and discipline, and when not to. My Mom was actually pretty good at it when I was growing up — although, like most kids, I never realized it at the time. Frankly, I gave her quite a few reasons to throw up her hands and give up on me — especially since she had four other kids to worry about — but she never did. I’d like to think that some of her patience and unconditional support rubbed off on me, helping with my own parenting efforts.
Thanks, Mom!
By the way, I know well the scene where the parent is sitting on the couch watching TV while the adult child (oxymoron alert) sits in a nearby easy chair surfing the net with a laptop. I experienced it just about a week ago with my 30-year-old. There’s something serenely satisfying about just being in the same room with one’s adult offspring — even if nothing much is said.
Tom Brucker
August 23, 2011 - 8:08 am
Our kids know they have plenty of time to spend (or endure) with us parents. That’s how I felt. My last weeks with my mother were reading, Reds games, and seeing to her every need. My focus was entirely on her, but not. We find what works and stay with it. The days of “watch me” are over, yet we watch our children more than they know. I believe Martha; our parents watch over us more than we know.
Martha Thomases
August 23, 2011 - 8:12 am
And so, folks,to continue the collapsible cup metaphor, my first true love is now commenting on my columns.
@Tom: That’s how it was with my Dad, taking care of him for those last several weeks.