Brokeback Marvel, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #235
September 16, 2011 Michael Davis 17 Comments
Mike Gold sent me a gift today. He sent me a newspaper story that detailed Sarah Palin’s alleged drug use and her Negro lover one nightstand.
I started to write an article on that but I figured I’d better wait to give her a chance to respond.
HOWEVER…if it’s TRUE it’s going to be a GREAT CHRISTMAS!!!
That said, I’ve decided to run an article I wrote around four years ago for Comicmix while I wait for a response from, Sarah, Once you go Black, Palin.
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Over the last 30 or so years some comics have tried to bring the ‘real world’ into the medium. One of the first and best examples was written by my fellow Comicmix columnist Denny O’ Neil. His epic story about Green Arrow’s sidekick ‘Speedy’ becoming hooked on drugs is a classic. That story was written over 30 years ago and could have been written today-it still holds up. I will resist the urge to ask Denny why ‘Speedy’ had to get hooked…hehe.
Denny may not remember, but I often think back in fondness to a day I gave him a ride home from DC Comics. That, for me was a good day. Denny most likely was thinking ‘tuck and roll’ as he looked for an opportunity to jump out of the car.
That story Denny wrote was in the forefront of comics that tackled the real world. Since that comic there have been many comics that tried the ‘real world approach’ some of the finest have been ‘Marvels, Kingdom Come and of course the grand daddy of them all ‘Watchmen.’ Now all of those comics and many others have dealt with the question-‘What would happen if Superheroes really existed?’
Well none of those comics dealt with what really would happen if those superheroes existed in the real world…and tried to get a date.
You would think that all Super people would have no problem getting some action. They would most likely be treated as rock stars. Well maybe in Ohio or some such place where people have sense.
Not where I live-not in Los Angeles-where people have no sense. People in L.A. think that what you drive defines you. Some guys and girls don’t care if you faced down Dr. Doom to save the world. If you drove up in a Honda to that battle you get no play. Here you will have to work to get on the A-list dating scene. L.A. is the kind of town where status is everything. So our heroes will have to bring their A-game…
“Hello my name is Suzanne Wilson and I run Wilson Speed Dating.” The young lady said as Johnny Storm, Dr.Bruce Banner, Thor and Blade walked in the door. Once they were seated she told them; “The way this works is simple you will each have 3 minutes with a young lady. During that time you will ask each other questions to see rather or not you want to go on a proper date. Clear?”
Nods all around as our heroes all sit down across a young lady. Johnny Storm is seated across from a pretty blond with short hair.
“Hi, I’m Johnny Storm.”
“Hello, I’m Paris Hilton. So Johnny what do you do?”
“I’m a member of the Fantastic Four.”
“That a rock group? Oh wow! Do you have a CD out?? Do you know Justin Timberlake?”
“It’s not a rock group. We fight crime.”
“You a cop?”
“No.”
“Oh God, you’re a security guard??”
“No. I’m a super hero.”
“That a kind of sandwich?”
“No we defend the earth from super villains.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes Really.”
“That pays a lot?”
“No, I do it for free. Hey where you going?”
“I don’t date men without a job. You have a trust fund or something?”
“No.”
“Your daddy rich?”
“No.”
“Then why on earth should I go out with you?”
“Flame on!”
“Wow…that’s hot.”
At another table we spot Dr. Bruce Banner sitting with a pretty young lady.
“Hi I’m Dr. Bruce Banner.”
“Hi I’m Nicole Ritchie. You a Doctor? Where do you live, is it far from here? You have a car?
“I’m between homes because I’m on the ru…I mean I travel around a lot.”
“Does that mean you don’t want to take me home?”
“We just met each other, don’t you want to know more about me?”
“You a doctor right?”
“Yes.”
“What else is there to know?”
“Well I think you should know I have a secret.”
“Cool –you the father of Anna Nicole’s baby?
“NO! When I get angry I turn into a giant green monster capable of great destruction and mayhem.”
“Ok, but you ARE a doctor right?’
“Yes.”
“Well then let’s go.”
Not to far from Dr. Banner sits Thor. He has a long line of ladies waiting to talk to him. The one he is currently sitting with is from the Bronx New York-she is not happy.
Lo! I am Thor, God of Thunder!
DID YOU JUST CALL ME A ‘HO’?
No, my lady I said ‘Lo.’
I aint your lady.
I meant not to insult you. What is thy name fair one?
They call me Peaches.
Ah, a lovely fruit to be sure.
DID YOU JUST CALL ME A FRUIT?
No, I…
You da fruit. Look at the way you be dressing!
I be…what?
You be a fruit! -Yo mommas a fruit! Yo daddy’s a fruit!
My daddy?
Yea-yo Father!
Oh, I see by ‘daddy’ you mean father! My father is ‘Odin’!
Whatever.
Tell me -Who’s your daddy?
Oh-you be a rough neck…I like that! What are you holding under the table?
That is my hammer.
Oh you pretty sure of yourself.
Would you like to see my hammer?
<SLAP! >
At the last table sits Blade. His companion has a baldhead but is really pretty.
Hello my dear-my name is Blade.
I’m Britney.
That’s a nice name, what do you do?
I’m a singer-look; I’m not here for a date. I just heard there was a bar here.
Oh-well we can still talk a bit.
Sure-let’s talk about drinking. What’s your favorite drink? Let’s order it!
I would rather not say. You would not like it and I’m not thirsty.
WELL. Who needs to be thirsty?? Come on Spade, I’ve had them all. Shoot, I like them all.
It’s BLADE not Spade. Trust me you won’t like this.
Blade, Spade. What’s the difference??
As a black man it’s offensive.
SORRY!! Please don’t tell Fox News Shade!!
BLADE!!!!!!
WHATEVER! Don’t yell at me! Hey, why are you looking at my neck?
Now, I’m thirsty…
I wait for the day when some writer really tackles Superheroes in the real world. As you can see from what I have written that has not happened yet. Well that’s it…what? You say you were mislead by the title ‘Brokeback Marvel?’
What did you think? Not even I would dare to write something like…
The Hulk and Thing stood on the mountain looking out at the sunset…
That cowboy hat looks good on you Thing.
Thanks.
Why are you so glum?
It’s just that…
What? You can tell me anything…Thing.
I wish we could spend more time together.
We could if you quit the Fantastic Four!
You know I can’t do that.
YOU COULD IF YOU WANTED TO!!
Don’t yell at me. You are always yelling at me!
Damn you Thing…I wish I could quit YOU.
Nope not me! I would never write anything like that!
Malcolm Robertson
September 16, 2011 - 9:08 am
Re: the Palin book
Joe McGinniss has long had had problems with journalistic standards which immediately marks the book as suspect. Look up the true crime library’s entry on Jeffery MacDonald for examples of his past sins.
Furthermore, both the NY Times and the LA Times, neither exactly friendly to Palin, criticize the book for having an agenda and deride for its reliance on unnamed sources.
JosephW
September 16, 2011 - 11:06 am
Malcolm. You question McGinniss’s journalism standards when his subject is a woman who has a regular guest spot on that bastion of journalism, Fox News?
As to the two Times papers, I don’t consider either of those to have journalism standards that are much above tabloids. After all, the NY Times spent much of Dubya’s two terms cheerleading his war in Iraq and blasting the opposition as little better than traitors.
MOTU
September 16, 2011 - 12:03 pm
Guys! Guy!! GUYS!!!
Can’t we just get along?
John Tebbel
September 17, 2011 - 5:46 am
Today’s headline: Professional Journalist Tebbel Scoffs at Troll Estimations of Professional Journalism.
Rene
September 17, 2011 - 8:29 am
Well, ALL books about politics have an agenda. If you believe otherwise, you’re being naive.
The use of unnamed sources is far more troubling. People who admire Palin will be able to dismiss the book. As for people like me, well, I just never believed anyway in the fairy tale of a squeaky-clean, picture-perfect, family-friendly personal life that the Social Conservative icons claim they enjoy.
Life doesn’t work like that, human nature doesn’t work like that, particularly when you’re power-oriented, ambitious, and attractive. But I would not give a shit about her alleged drug use, pre-marital sex, and infidelity, if not for her championing of social conservatism.
More inexcusable, if true, are the allegations that she is crappy Mom. But also very predictable. She always seemed like a shallow narcissist to me. I very much doubt a person like that would be able to handle a political career and raising 5 kids in such a picture-perfect way.
MOTU
September 17, 2011 - 1:59 pm
Wow- all the comments are about the piece I did not write. I LOVE that there’s no coments about the gay Hulk and Thing! THAT’:S why our community is do damn cool. WE get the joke!
Bill Mulligan
September 17, 2011 - 5:30 pm
12 bazillion reasons why Sarah Palin should not be president and the big story will be that she doesn’t discriminate against black guys? What did I miss?
This kind of reminds me of the John Stewart bit on Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter where his political opponents took every opportunity to say “lesbian daughter”. It’ll be on the order of “Hey, it sure doesn’t bother me that Sarah Palin SLEPT WITH A BLACK GUY, because it’s nobodies business who someone sleeps with, even if, like Sarah Palin, it’s a BLACK GUY, but I’ll bet that lots of her fans will be the sort of people who WILL be upset that she SLEPT WITH A BLACK GUY. It’s a sad sad commentary that the fact that she SLEPT WITH A BLACK GUY even matters, to people like that, not people like me, the kind of person who does not care that she SLEPT WITH A BLACK GUY, not one bit. BLACK GUY.”
MOTU, your story reminded me of one time when John Byrne said something about there being a gay member of Alpha Flight and when someone asked who it was (like it wasn’t obvious) he replied “Well, I hope to God it isn’t Sasquatch. I mean, think about it…”
Martha Thomases
September 18, 2011 - 8:18 am
Isn’t the point not so much that she slept with a black guy, but that she had one-night stands? And she was knocked up when she got married? And seems to have set that example for her kids, except Bristol didn’t even get married?
I don’t care who she slept with, nor how many, but I do care that she wants to tell me how to live my life. Social conservatives are all for getting the government out of American life, except for forced childbirth and the death penalty.
MOTU
September 18, 2011 - 2:16 pm
Bill,
Sasquatch’s not gay? That’s the last time I believe anything the Hulk says.
MOTU
September 18, 2011 - 2:24 pm
Bill,
I for one hope the story about Sarah and the black guy is true. Not because my article on the subject would pretty much write itself, but because if proven true she will think long and hard (and black) before the next time she defends someone for using the word ‘nigger.’
See that? Thinking long and hard…and black-like I said, it writes itself!
Rene
September 18, 2011 - 2:34 pm
Bill, it’s not that she had sex with a black guy, it’s that she had pre-marital sex, and with someone she probably had no intention to marry. You know, she acted just like MOST women in modern western societies do. And that would be totally okay by me, if she wasn’t one of those twits that want everybody to think casual sex is a terrible sin.
As for the Hulk and Thing and lack of comment, sorry. But I am jaded of Brokeback Mountain jokes. The bit with the four Marvel heroes and the bimbos was funny, though.
Bill Mulligan
September 18, 2011 - 5:08 pm
I don’t recall Palin being a major anti-sex conservative…but I have to confess that I haven’t followed her with the devotion of either her acolytes or haters.
If we are so concerned about people acting differently once elected…Obama used cocaine and weed as a teen, now he presides over a government that puts people in jail for the same thing. Kind of makes Palin having a one night stand with someone and later thinking one night stands are a bad idea sort of, I don’t know, kind of minor. Nobody is getting raped in the shower over her change of heart.
Martha Thomses
September 18, 2011 - 6:35 pm
@Bill: this thread isn’t about Obama. And no one was defending him. And if you haven’t heard Palin and other Tea Baggers telling the rest of us how to live, you really aren’t paying attention.
Raped in the shower? What is that about?
Bill Mulligan
September 19, 2011 - 3:22 am
When it comes to Palin, the rules seem to fly out the window. Like I said, she’s unqualified to be president for a bunch of reasons. Why folks who would be aghast if these tactics were used against anyone else seem comfortable using them against her is beyond me. The ends seem to justify the means.
I don’t know any politician who isn’t, in some way, telling us how to live our lives. If Palin is on the record as saying that, as Rene says, “casual sex is a terrible sin”, then have at it. Haven’t heard her say that but it may well be that I have not paid attention. No doubt the appropriate quote will be forthcoming.
Raped in the shower? That’s what happens to too many people sent to prison for drug related offenses, thought that was obvious. A better example of “telling us how to live” would be difficult to find. Unlike, say, abortion, you can’t even make the arguable point of another person being harmed by your choice. It’s simply “Drugs are bad, you’re hurting yourself, so we will destroy you to make others afraid of making that choice.”
(Unlike most anti-drug law people I know, I have no actual dog in this fight. I don’t use drugs and have no intention of using them even if they become legal.)
Yes, the thread was not about Obama but are you suggesting some kind of blanket rule that in any thread dealing with political hypocrisy he be somehow beyond mentioning? Your loyalty is touching and, given the relatively bad month he’s had, no doubt deeply appreciated but that would be a pretty dubious policy. MOTU’s threads haven’t exactly been tightly policed by the Topic Cops and God bless him for it, but I think my comment was hardly an example of a thread hijacking.
Martha Thomases
September 19, 2011 - 6:09 am
@Bill: I’m glad we agree that prison reform is desperately needed, and that our society’s concept of punishment (forget rehabilitation) is dangerously homophobic.
Bill Mulligan
September 19, 2011 - 7:48 am
Absolutely. I man, I’ll employ a prison rape joke as much as the next guy but it’s really a national embarrassment that this is what we fully expect to happen. In fact, some politicians, including people who otherwise pride themselves on their humanist street cred, have boasted about how they hoped some financial bigwigs would suffer sexual assaults when they received their just desserts.
There should be zero tolerance of that in prison. A civilized country should expect nothing less. I’m not some Pollyanna who wants to see criminals coddled and if one of my daughters, wife, ex-wife, friends, or stranger with a sad story were to be harmed by some of the scum out there I would happily admit to hoping that they suffer each and every day every conceivable degradation. Hell, I’ll offer an endless supply of cigarettes to the biggest meanest guy in prison to see that it happens. But I don’t expect or want society to be that bloodthirsty. That’s why we have it.
Rene
September 19, 2011 - 4:52 pm
I’m not Obama’s biggest fan, actually I think he is a disappointment in many ways. But he never tried to pass himself as some anti-drug crusader and we gotta give him props for honesty at least: he was one of the few Presidential candidates that admited to drug use. He didn’t try to say he didn’t do any of the dumb shit so many of us do when young.
I am not certain that Palin ever said that casual sex is a terrible sin or that she privately believes this… I may have been too harsh. I actually think Palin plays up her social conservatism to appeal to the more rabid Right nowadays.
Here is what wikipedia has to say about the matter:
“Palin answered a 2006 gubernatorial questionnaire by choosing support for funding of abstinence-before-marriage programs over support for “explicit sex-education programs, school-based clinics and the distribution of contraceptives in schools”. In a subsequent radio interview…she clarified her position by saying she was against explicit sex education, but was in favor of contraceptive education. She characterized in-school discussion of condoms as “relatively benign” and not something that would define an “explicit” program. Rebecca Traister of Salon.com analyzed Palin’s political record as one that demonstrated her lack of enthusiasm about the Bush era promotion of abstinence-before-marriage education, and one that showed she did not work against existing sex education laws in Alaska.”
I gotta admit, that is a lot more moderate than I expected. But that was Palin before she became a national media figure. She is a less of a zealot and more of an opportunist. Anyone thinks she wouldn’t become more radical just to appeal more to her Tea Party base?