Greed and Battery by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #251

November 28, 2011 Mike Gold 15 Comments

I’ve got a great idea for holiday fun. Next year, Walgreens, CVS and Rite Aid should hold a Black Friday sale on Oxycontin. Open up the stores at 9 PM Thanksgiving Day. To facilitate business, they should waive the requirement for prescriptions – I’m sure the government will cooperate here in the hallowed name of Capitalism.

After the wage slaves are done mopping up the blood the store managers can add up the profits and send them along to their respective corporate headquarters where uppermost management can give themselves seven digit Christmas bonuses.

A couple years ago, a riot – one of many – broke out at the opening of the Black Friday celebrations at a Long Island New York Wal-Mart. Many were injured, one was killed.

We did not learn from this. Riots and rampage dominated last Friday morning’s news reports. At about 10 PM Thanksgiving Day a woman at a Porter Ranch, California Wal-Mart pepper-sprayed her competitors so she could grab the bargains. A Rome, N.Y. man was arrested after pushing several competitors to the ground, promoting sundry fights. The bomb squad took a suspected explosive device out of a Wal-Mart employee break room in Cave Creek Arizona. An off-duty policeman working store security pepper-sprayed a mass of shoppers at a Kinston, N.C. Wal-Mart. A Myrtle Beach, S.C. woman was shot during an armed robbery outside a Wal-Mart at 1 AM. A San Leandro, California man was shot outside a Wal-Mart at 2 AM after some shoppers declined to hand over their purchases to a robber. A riot broke out at the massive Minneapolis Minnesota Mall of America over yoga pants.

In all fairness, those yoga pants were to die for.

Back in 1958 satirist Stan Freberg corralled Daws Butler, Marvin Miller and arranger Billy May to record “Green Chri$tma$,” and it became a classic. I’ve talked about this song before: the routine questioned the values of a society that clearly shifted from the spiritual to the greedy:

SCROOGE AND CHORUS:

Christmas comes but once a year, 

So you better cash in, 

While the spirit lingers, 

It’s slipping through your fingers, 

Boy! Don’t you realize

Christmas can be such a

Monetary joy! 

CRATCHET: Well, I guess you fellows will never change.

SCROOGE: Why should we? Christmas has two S’s in it, and they’re both dollar signs.

CRATCHET: Yeah, but they weren’t there to begin with.

Now, I’m not a Christian but I’m fairly certain the whole idea behind Christmas is supposed to be about peace on Earth and goodwill to all men… and maybe even some women, too. I don’t think it’s about spending billions of dollars promoting our most base and our most greedy lusts. I don’t think it’s about rioting, pepper spray and stampeding.

I could be wrong. I must be wrong: this has been going on since Haddon Sundblom and Coca-Cola turned Santa Claus out back in 1931. As a kid I particularly enjoyed seeing Santa each year on cartons of cigarettes. That was almost as funny as those commercials with Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble smoking Winston cigarettes out behind the cave.

Listen carefully to the words of that Milli Vanilli of the holiday season, Alvin and the Chipmunks:

Christmas, Christmas time is near,

Time for toys and time for cheer.

We’ve been good, but we can’t last,

Hurry Christmas, Hurry fast.

Want a plane that loops the loop,

Me, I want a Hula-Hoop.

We can hardly stand the wait,

Please Christmas don’t be late.

Next Thanksgiving, put the car keys in the turkey stuffing and after the last game has flickered off your HD-LCD-TV, do the holiday some justice. Simply go to bed.

Song lyrics and art copyright their respective owners. 

Devout anarcho-syndicalist Mike Gold also kicks rock’n’blues ass each week on Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind; streaming four times a week on www.getthepointradio.com and available at that same venue on demand for those who can’t grasp the concept of “live on tape.” He also joins MDWers Martha Thomases and Michael Davis as a weekly columnist at www.comicmix.com.