Pop Art Flashback: 1400 B.C., by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #154

November 15, 2011 Arthur Tebbel 0 Comments

Art is still on vacation.  We’ve dug very deep into the archives for this blast from the past.

Dear Art,

I’m having something of a labor problem.  We just finished construction on Pi-Ramesses thanks in no small part to the labor of our Jewish slaves.  You would think I would have no problems but, alas, things are never that easy in our glorious land by the Nile.  There’s a Jewish agitator by the name of Moses who wants me to let his people go.  What’s worse is he’s threatening me with plagues from his god if I don’t comply.  As a living god myself I see no reason to comply.  The water has been getting awfully red.  What should I do?  Can I even consider letting them go?

-Pharaoh

Pharaoh,

I don’t think you have anything to worry about.  We all know you’re a living god.  Even if that’s not enough you’ve got the backing of so many other gods.  Ra, Anubis, Horus and the rest, you’ve got a lot of metaphysical firepower on your side.  I don’t think you need to be afraid of this fringe desert shaman and his promises.  The water to blood thing is a little troubling but it could mean anything.  Don’t get ahead of yourself.

There is probably more you could be doing.  We all know Jews with their massive physiques and proclivity for labor make ideal slaves.  That doesn’t mean you couldn’t make some reforms, try and appease them before you’re dealing with some kind of major labor action.  It’s hard to deal with these Jews, I know, it’s not like they have a big book outlining all of their laws and preferences.  I seem to remember they’re not fans of being asked to murder their sons on the top of a mountain.  If you’ve been doing that you should probably stop.  Hell, I don’t even think you should be doing that to Egyptians.  Only an asshole would as someone to do that.

Just stay calm, don’t overreach.  You’re a major empire and nothing in history to this point suggests this is ever going to end.  March on, be forceful and fuck anyone that gets in your way.  I wouldn’t start getting worried for at least another four or five plagues.  You don’t want people to think you’re some kind of loser that freaks out at the first sign of trouble.  I will give you one long-term piece of advice though, when white people start sniffing around your women that is the time to panic.