Pop Art Flashback: 1971, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #153

November 8, 2011 Arthur Tebbel 2 Comments

Art Tebbel is taking a brief vacation to deal with some family problems.  Please enjoy this selection from the Pop Art archives.  Join us for a classic from the winter of 1971.

Dear Art,

It has been a crazy three years.  Being president has been so much more than I bargained for.  I’m excited to get down to business and do more good for this country; I even hope to open relations with China this summer.  Unfortunately, I’m not sure I’ll be able to do everything I can in just one term.  What can I do to help guarantee a second term?  I’m desperate.  I’ll do anything.

-Richard Nixon

Dick,

I don’t want to push you into anything you don’t want to do Mr. President.  You seem like an honorable man.  More importantly, I strongly believe that only a Republican president will be able to end the war in Vietnam.  Because of that I am willing to offer you this rather shocking piece of advice: you should cheat to win the 1972 election.

Cheat.  Wiretap the Democratic National Committee’s phones.  Then you’ll know everything that’s coming beforehand.  You’ll be one step in front of your opponents.  You can’t use government employees for this of course, too traceable.  Hire some goons.  Make sure none of them come from the security of the RNC though, that would be a little obvious don’t you think?  Use shell organizations, campaign companies, stuff like that.  You can never be too careful.  Use the mafia as a good example.  The Don never gives the orders directly.

Ignore those poll numbers Mr. President.  It might seem like your reelection is a sure thing.  You never know.  You don’t even know who the nominee will be.  There are some dynamic names in the Democratic primary, names like Humphries, McGovern and Muskie.  You can never be too careful.  I want to stress that, I know you have this reputation as a happy-go-lucky man but I recommend a healthy amount of paranoia.

It’s a foolproof plan, sir.  The executive power of the presidency will protect you and, really, no one looks into elections too hard after they’re over.  It would take a monumental jackass to fuck this up.  I mean you would always be two or three steps away from anyone giving actual orders.  Any physical evidence would have to be created by you or your people directly.  You will be fine in the long run as long as you don’t do something as stupid as record every conversation you have in the Oval Office.