President Michael Davis, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #242

November 11, 2011 Michael Davis 15 Comments

I’m running for president.

I know that may come as a shock to some of you but not as much of a shock as this next little tidbit.

I’m running for president; wait for it…wait for it…WAIT FOR IT…as a republican.

Yep and I’m going to win too.

All my life people have called me ‘crazy’ said I was ‘out there’ and an ‘asshole’ so why not make use of my god given crazy, out there, asshole, gifts?

Many in the current republican field have been called one or all of those names and yet still they are in the race and the party fateful seem to embrace them even more. Rather or not any of the candidates are actually, crazy, out there, or assholes is neither here or there- I AM all of those things so my path to the nomination is a lock.

AND I have questionable morals!

In fact that’s my campaign slogan:

Michael Davis, crazy, out there, asshole! Oh my! Say it three times!

Crazy, out there, asshole! Oh my!

Crazy, out there, asshole! Oh my!

Crazy, out there, asshole! Oh my!

THAT’S the kind of catchy, campaign, commercial, catch phase that will surely catch on!

Catchy, campaign, commercial, catch phase! Oh my!

FUCK 999!  That’s old hat. Crazy, out there, asshole! Oh my! That’s new hat…and a nice blue blazer.

Speaking of the 999 plan, I should give credit where credit is due and that’s to my brother from another mother my Negro from the back of the bus, Herman Cain.

It was the reaction to Cain from the audience at last’s night GOP debate that gave me the idea to run for president.  When asked about his character and the sexual harassment charges against him Cain was applauded for his answer and the woman asking the question was booed.

HOT DAMN! I could SO get with that kind of crowd.

The audience could have given two shits about the sexual harassment charges. This is the same group of people who wanted to impeach Clinton for getting a blowjob in the White House. Now it seems if you are a suspected scumbag and a group of woman accuse you of being said scumbag and you PAY them off that’s fine as long as you hate Obama and Liberals. Cain handled the questioning fairly well but he missed a huge opportunity.

Here’s how I would have handled it.

CNN: Mr. Davis, this question is for you. 35 women have said you are the father of their children.

A few boos from the audience clearly upset that the question was asked.

Me: 47 women.

CNN: Pardon?

Me: 47 women have said I was their baby daddy.

Applause from the audience.  

CNN. Mr. Davis, what do you say to these allegations?

Me: I steadfastly deny them. It’s NOT true and frankly I’m a bit tried of the lies and utter distortions that the democratic machine has concocted to destroy my integrity.

BIG applause from the audience.  

CNN: So every single one of those 35 women is lying?

Me: Look, let me be VERY clear!

It’s 45 women that have come forward.

The truth is I’m baby daddy to 78 women, no, wait, one of those bitches was lying so it’s 77 women. Get it straight.

Standing ovation from the audience and sensing they better get on the vice-presidential short list the other candidates all applaud wildly also. 

“Good job!” Said Rick.

“Nicely done!” said Newt.

“I like it rough!” Said Michelle.

What? Yeah, that through me too.

“Nigger.” Said Herman. I was about to pimp slap him when Mitt embraced me.

“Davis 2012!” Shouts Mitt Romney to the crowd.

“Thank you Mitt!” I say as I hugged him backed and whisper in his ear; “Drop the Mormon thing and you are on the short list to be my V.P.”

“Dropped!” He shouts in my ear.

Look out GOP there’s a new crazy, out there, asshole in town.

Oh my!