Resurrecting Cain, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #158

December 13, 2011 Arthur Tebbel 2 Comments

Dear Art,

I escaped the race for the Republican nomination for President without once getting mocked in your little advice column.  I’m back to being a private citizen and not a moment too soon.  This must drive you crazy not to be able to go after all my poorly thought-out policies and personal indiscretions.  How are you holding up buddy?

-Herman Cain

Herman,

Damn it!  I’m really mad Herman.  I went on break for a few weeks and thought if anyone would still be around to kick when I got back it would be you.  You were polling strong, no one was pointing out that your tax policy was insanely regressive (or they were but the electorate was ignoring it), and most importantly no one seemed to care that you had no actual campaign apparatus set up and your candidacy seemed to be a transparent plot to sell books and up your speaking fee.  I had material on all of this and now it’s hopelessly out of date.  More than any of your supporters I feel like I was hit the hardest here.

I can’t believe you couldn’t even make it to voting.  Jon Hunstman is going to be on a ballot.  So is Rick Santorum.  Yes, that Rick Santorum.  Newt Gingrich is the frontrunner.  I don’t know a lot about what exactly went on in these alleged sexual harassment cases or your apparent affair but is it really worse than the pile of skeletons in Gingrich’s closet?  Rick Perry might not even be the smartest Texas governor to run for President in the last 12 years.  Why did you need to be such a wuss about this?  We could have been beautiful together.

I guess I still have hope.  This could probably all blow over by the time the convention comes around next year.  You could be a vice presidential candidate probably.  I couldn’t tell you who Joe Biden or Dick Cheney were fucking.  Please, under no circumstances, talk to me about Dick Cheney fucking.  You could be a great fig leaf against charges of racism against the Republican party in the grand tradition of republicans promoting turncoats and idiots into token representations of groups they would really rather be oppressing (see: Palin, Sarah).  Even if that doesn’t work out you’ll probably at least get a prime speaking opportunity at the convention and a chance to host a show on Fox News.  This really isn’t a bad deal for a man who no one had heard of a year ago unless they ate your shitty pizza and were so inspired by their experience that they looked up your name to write a hate letter.  Looks like you’ve got it made.