I am too Mature for More Santorum Jokes, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #164

January 25, 2012 Arthur Tebbel 4 Comments

Dear Art,

Who would have thought when I asked for your advice over six months ago that I would still be alive and kicking in this nomination battle?  In fact, I have won as many primaries as any other Republican candidate in the field.  And you said I wasn’t a serious candidate.  I don’t even really need your advice, I’m just writing to boast about my latest brilliant plan.  The moneybomb has become a popular tool for fundraising.  A group of people pools their donations together and donates them at the same time to show solidarity with a candidate.  My supporters are preparing to unleash the Conservatives United Moneybomb on me this week.  I stand to raise over a million dollars.  You must feel pretty stupid right now, huh?

-Rick Santorum

Rick,

You’re messing with me right?  Dude?  Go look at the banner your website has for this donation drive, I’ll wait.  The rest of you should go look too and if it’s been taken down do a quick Google search, I promise it’ll come up.  Everyone back?  Rick, the banner places too much attention on those three first levels.  It spells C.U.M.  Have you learned nothing from all your wailing about your Google problem?  Touting Santorum’s C.U.M. isn’t going to help a damn thing.  I’ve tried very hard to take the high road with you.  When everyone else was making their “Santorum Surges From Behind” headlines I stayed quiet but you have to meet me half way here.  I’m not made of stone.

Look, I don’t think you do your own web design.  I don’t even think you approve every banner that goes on your website.  You’re a very busy man.  Either someone in your office is trolling you (look it up) or your staff is astonishingly self-aware.  Neither of these is good and neither of them says you’re ready to be leader of the free world.  Keep in mind that your resume already has an entry for “lost a very public battle with a fringe advice columnist.”

You really need to reconsider your role in life right now.  Maybe not in life but definitely in this race.  You ended up winning Iowa and that’s sort of amazing but in South Carolina, a state that should be all about your social conservative hate mongering, you finished closer to Ron Paul than you did to Mitt Romney.  The Mitt Romney that lost by 13 points.  I mean at this point you might as well hang it out but the idea that you have anything but a long shot chance at a VP nomination has to be let go.  And seriously, cut down on giving the media more opportunities to make fun of your name, it’s going to ruin the joke.