You Say You Want An Evolution, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #261

February 6, 2012 Mike Gold 37 Comments

Polls are tricky stuff. In order to properly assess their value you’ve got to understand exactly how the questions are phrased and you must look behind the headline results to find out what’s really going on.

According to a Gallop poll conducted five years ago – one of the most recent I’ve found that breaks down the data – 93% of respondents say that they believe in god. But if you look at the breakdown, you’ll see that only 73% are absolute in their belief. 27% have varying degrees of doubt or outright disbelief.

That doesn’t make sense to me. It’s a matter of faith. Either you have it or you don’t. You’re asking a rational human to accept a concept that is exceptionally impactful on faith alone without any evidence whatsoever, outside of the self-serving dribble moronic Fundamentalists foist as proof, such as “god exists because it says so in the bible.” By that analysis, Doctor Doom exists because it says so in Fantastic Four comics. I’ll point out that far, far fewer people have been murdered, raped, tortured or imprisoned by the teachings in Fantastic Four than in anybody’s bible, so from a moral perspective I’m a lot more likely to believe in Victor Von Doom than anybody’s god.

Ergo, if you are not certain in your belief in a god, you do not have the faith. You see, not only do I not believe in god, I do not believe in agnostics. We ain’t got the holy mojo; we are all heathens in the eyes of the holy.

I will take one step further into the realm of moral superiority: I know a lot of atheists. We hang out together and… plot. Anyway, every single atheist I know would revise his or her opinion about religion if confronted with evidence. Every single one.

But faith doesn’t need proof. Evolution does, and there’s plenty of it. An overwhelming amout of proof. The religious alternative – what do they call it, creationism? – has no proof whatsoever; it’s pulled entirely out of believer’s ass. It would be thrilling if a great ape with communication skills were to put on a mitre or wrap themselves in tefillin (and good luck with that one, Grodd). That would put me through a lot of changes and I might even consider it evidence, but should this happen the Religionists would go absolutely apeshit. I just don’t get their discrimination against apes.

In my book, anybody who says they do not believe in evolution is on the same page as those who wear tin-foil to block out alien transmissions. Of course there’s one big difference: there are fewer among the tin-foil hat crowd in positions of power or authority.

I would have a very, very hard time voting for anybody who professes evolution is bunk. Please note I said “professes” and not “believes.” Ultimately, I’ll vote between two braying hustlers who will likely suck up to the majority in order to get elected, choosing which one is more likely to benefit my self-interest and my beliefs in creating a functioning America.

But so far, President Obama says he believes in evolution and he advocates teaching it in schools. Obama also says so-called intelligent design (an Orwellian definition of “intelligent” where one must reject fact) should not be foisted upon our nation’s school children. After all, teaching prejudice, hatred and outright bullshit is the duty of the family and the church and not of our institutions of learning.

I gotta go now. Doctor Doom is about to make a speech.

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Rock’n’blues Red Cat Mike Gold kicks ass each week on Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind streaming four times a week on www.getthepointradio.com and available at that same venue on demand. Oddly, he rarely plays the Monkees. He also joins MDWers Martha Thomases and Michael Davis as a weekly columnist at www.comicmix.com.