Apple of Everyone’s Eye, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #170 | @MDWorld

March 6, 2012 Arthur Tebbel 2 Comments

Dear Art,

This is a big week for us.  There are wide reports that Wednesday will see the launch of a new iPad, the first major product announcement since Steve Jobs passed away.  The iPhone 4S technically came out after Jobs’ death but the announcement came just prior and no one would doubt his input on the device.  While I assure you the Jobs was also very involved with iPad development it’s been long enough that people are probably going to think of this as our first effort without our pioneer founder.  This has made me very nervous.  What can I do?  Is there any danger of the iPad losing its spot in the market?

-Tim Cook, CEO Apple Inc.

Tim,

I don’t think you realize how good you have it over at Apple.  Your company is now the most valuable in the world, worth significantly more money than Exxon Mobil.  You are worth more than a company who sells people a liquid for close to four dollars per gallon that they then set on fire.  I don’t understand how anything is a better business than that.  I suppose that if you figured it out by volume iPhones would cost way more than four bucks a gallon but you almost never need to set one on fire.  If you got all the way up here you could probably have a stumble or two on your tablet line that is already crushing your competitors so handily that I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen a competing tablet outside of an electronics store.

Perhaps I need to provide you with a bit of perspective.  This week BioWare and Electronic Arts are releasing Mass Effect 3 the conclusion to their space opera video game trilogy.  It’s a wonderful series that centers on the idea of ancient space artifacts that allow for faster than light travel that suddenly allows humans to interact with a variety of alien species.  Players go to multiple worlds and use conventional weapons along with far future technology and magic powers.  I have been eagerly looking forward to the release of this game but I still expect the most science fiction part of my week to be your press conference on Wednesday.  That’s the level of wonder I generally expect from Apple for new product announcements.

I might be biased here.  I’ve never owned an iPad because I’ve been waiting for a higher resolution screen, a feature rumored to be present on the new model.  Both of my parents own iPads already and their combined age is somewhere close to your share price.  Don’t look it up mom it’ll just upset you, I’m sorry.  You guys are going to be fine.  The lines for the new iPad will be so long that they will form tribal governments, soon oil-rich countries will denominate their oil exports in fractions of barrels of iPads.  Please send me one for free.  Hell, I would settle for being able to pay for one on release day without having to give up days of my life.  Thanks.