MICHAEL DAVIS WORLD

You can't make this stuff up, so we don't!

I Have Issues, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #262 | @MDWorld

March 30, 2012 Michael Davis 14 Comments

I posted this some of this on Facebook and it became clear to me that perhaps my friends on MDW can help me deal…

THIS to me is hilarious..

I count sheep...Serta sheep...

I've had a motorcycle for almost 20 years-it's in pristine condition. The last time I rode it? 10 years ago.

I'm a 6 foot 2 inch Black man from the hood…I collect Barbie

I have a landscaped mountain in my back yard. Walking paths, benches, a fountain, etc, etc. I've been in this house 5 years. The number of times I've been up the mountain? TWICE in 5 years.

I hold a grudge.  I hate the NRA but I’m a member. I hate talking on the phone. I hate going out. I hate people who don’t laugh. I hate toilet humor. I hate the father I’ve never met. I’ve never asked my mother who my father was because if she does not want to talk about it what right do I have to intrude?

I’m not some self absorbed pussy  and life is NOT some ABC TV afternoon special. If it hurts my mother I DON’T need to know who the FUCK my father is. I’d like to know who my real father was just so I could find the motherfucker and bitch slap him for what he did to my mother when he left not to mention how FUCKED UP I am because of him. However, my mother gave me LIFE and took care of me, I can give her some space on this.

FUCK that bullshit you see on ABC Family.

Every other word out my mouth is ‘fuck.’ I like chick flicks. I like disco. Yeah-I like DISCO and fuck you if you don’t. I like Asian women. I like funny women. I like silly women. Hell, I like women. I like Gay clubs. I like Gay people. I like hard core gangster rap. I like love songs. I cry like a little girl when something affects me. I miss Linda Gold like crazy. I love Mike Gold like the brother I never had. I’m still upset over the way my sister died, in a open field like a wounded animal while people walked past her all night until she died.

If ONE person called 911 she would be alive today.

I like guns. I like the Beatles, no, I LOVE the Beatles. FUCK those niggers who jumped me and knocked out my tooth just because I asked for a Beatles album at a record store in the hood when I was 13. Yo, niggers-how YOU living NOW?

I’m blessed that Denys Cowan is my best friend. I don’t like Elton John the person, I LOVE Elton John the artist. I HATE Facebook.I LOVE Facebook. I like porn. I hate prudes. I collect toys. I have four dogs. When I was younger I was terrible to some people. I’m sorry I was terrible to some people when I was younger. I’m afraid to die but I’m no longer afraid of death.

I’m the wrong nigger to fuck with but I’m loyal like a puppy to my friends.

Yeah, I have issues.

But-I have the greatest friends and family a man could ever hope for.

So, at least to me, regardless of my issue’s I’m OK.

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Comments

  1. Martha Thomases
    March 30, 2012 - 5:54 am

    But do your Barbies have motorcycles?

  2. Rick Oliver
    March 30, 2012 - 6:03 am

    I miss Linda too. The last thing she ever said to me was “We’re here whenever you need us.”

    I would advise you to get over your father issues, but you’ve probably already considered that option. Instead I’ll simply leave you with this perhaps trite aphorism: Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

  3. Malcolm Robertson
    March 30, 2012 - 8:38 am

    “I hate the NRA but I’m a member.”

    That’s an odd statement, but one I can sympathize with. I just have a feeling it’s for different reasons.

    Rick’s aphorism might be trite, but it is true. However, it’s not so easy just to let go. I’ve spent my whole life trying to release the bitterness towards my mother for leaving. A woman whose husband had an affair once told me that sometimes forgiveness is a daily act.

    Not knowing any of the specifics, and doubting you’d wish to share them with some random stranger on the net, the only suggestion I might have is to pray for wisdom. The worst result of that is the burning of a few brain calories, but the potential upside is big enough to risk it.

  4. Mike Gold
    March 30, 2012 - 9:38 am

    “I hate the NRA but I’m a member.” I TOTALLY get that. I’ve stated my opinions about their classes (recognizing they vary from state to state), but every time I see that mega-asshole Wayne LaPierre my head spasmodically goes into a half-dozen Tex Avery effects.

    Hey, anybody know if Wayne’s still a Democrat?

  5. Norm Breyfrogle
    March 30, 2012 - 10:27 am

    You’re okay in my book too, Michael (although you did make me jealous of that damned sheep doing my girlfriend like that)!

  6. Mike Gold
    March 30, 2012 - 10:28 am

    Just wait a minute, Norm. That was YOUR girl friend?

  7. David Quinn
    March 30, 2012 - 10:43 am

    Put the money in the bag or Barbie gets it. Love, David

  8. Alice
    March 30, 2012 - 1:27 pm

    Mike,

    Barbie’s EVERYBODY’S girlfriend or like we say in the hood…ho.

  9. Pennie
    March 30, 2012 - 4:29 pm

    MOTU, you’re really not okay. You’re exceptional.

  10. Steve Atkins
    March 31, 2012 - 8:16 pm

    Does Captain Action “save’ your Barbies?

    Does he use his various guises to “save” the same Barbie?

    Is this an idea for a strange superhero/action/comedy film?

  11. Mike Gold
    March 31, 2012 - 8:27 pm

    Sound like a Robot Chicken bit to me, Steve!

  12. Steve Atkins
    March 31, 2012 - 8:39 pm

    I need to find Seth Green so he can give me my “bit-check”. *smile*

  13. Mike Gold
    March 31, 2012 - 9:37 pm

    Oh, Seth and MOTU are good, close friends! He interrupted a San Diego ComiCon lunch Michael, Denys Cowan and I had a couple years ago. Evidently, he couldn’t take MOTU’s ignoring him for an answer.

  14. Steve Atkins
    March 31, 2012 - 11:20 pm

    I guess Sting was right when he said the lyrics to “Every Breath You Take” are “subjective”.

    Most folks call that creepy.

    I guess there’s still hope for me yet.

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