The Circle of Life, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise | @MDWorld

April 28, 2012 Martha Thomases 11 Comments

My mom died when I was 27.  My husband died when my son is 27.

If my husband hadn’t just died, I would have something profound to say about this.  Instead, I just have a few observations.

•  Routine is a good thing.  So are chores.  I’ve never been much of a housekeeper, but taking out the garbage, doing the laundry, filling and emptying the dishwasher, keeping seltzer in the refrigerator – all these things take up time in the day, time when I’m not thinking about loss.

• Even better is volunteering.  I’ve talked before about how selfish it is to volunteer, to do something useful for your neighbors, whether that is pulling weeds out of a community garden or delivering meals to shut-ins.  People are so grateful.  They are visibly glad to see you.

•  People always say, “If there is anything I can do, please let me know.”  I’ve said it myself.  The problem is that there is nothing one can do.  You can’t bring back my husband and get rid of his cancer,which is what I really want.  However, when there is something that needs to be done, people are thrilled to be asked.  I’ve learned that asking for a favor is, in itself, a favor.

•  If you send someone a sympathy card, please sign your name clearly.  Especially if you haven’t seen the person in a long time.  Even more especially if you went to high school with the deceased and never met the person to whom you are sending the card.

• That said, sympathy cards are very nice.  I’ve never sent one before, thinking they were tacky, but not that I’m getting them, I’m very grateful.  Please forgive me, everyone to whom I’ve punked out.  Clearly, I’m a judgmental bitch.

• When I was younger, I read a lot of books, and had a lot of stoned conversations, about the meaning of life.  Why are we here?  What is the point?  Why bother?  And here’s the answer:  Life is the meaning of life.  Every day, and every person in that day, is what we’re here to enjoy.  The people with the backpacks in the subway are the meaning of life, and should be thanked.  And then they should be elbowed out of the way, because, really, they are thoughtless assholes.

•  The family and friends who give you love, and who are part of your life even when you don’t see them, are to be reveled in.  I have been especially blessed.  Plan celebrations, even when no one has died.

•  In the Reform Jewish service, after one says Kaddish, the rabbi comforts those who mourn, saying about their loved ones, “They live on in the good works they did, and the hearts of those who love them.”

Live forever.

Martha Thomases, Media Goddess, is keeping herself busy.