Apartmentalizing, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #182 | @MDWorld

May 30, 2012 Arthur Tebbel 4 Comments

I have nothing this week. I’m sorry. I just haven’t been reading the news. I’m sure everything is still going on, the death march to the white house probably continues, American Idol fades back into the shadows just as America’s Got Talent emerges. I’ve missed all of that though, I have been focused on something much more pressing and really more relevant to all of our lives: finding a suitable apartment in Los Angeles.

Most of you reading this probably don’t live in Los Angeles and might have an idea that LA is nothing but massive beach houses and secluded mansions in the hills. That’s certainly the impression TMZ and every movie ever made would certainly have you believe. Unfortunately most of us in Los Angeles live in apartments and moreover apartments in buildings that were designed during an American architectural period known as “ugly fucking buildings.”

I have seen so many ugly stucco buildings that look like they were built in the late 70s to mid 80s. They all have the same crummy kitchens with ovens that look like they’re closer to being taken into the permanent collection of the Smithsonian than being used for preparing meals. Don’t get me started on the floors. I don’t know why this has escaped the notice of historians but there seems to have been a time when a rogue carpet salesman went through this town and handed out beige wall-to-wall carpeting by the acre. There’s so much of it in these apartments that I’m a little surprised the city never experimented with paving the roads with that shit. I would certainly rather drive on it than see it in another fucking bathroom.

There are gorgeous buildings in Los Angeles. Downtown is an embarrassment of riches when it comes to fantastic pre-war art deco buildings. If only Downtown had anything resembling basic services and were not overrun with the craziest of homeless people practically kettled there by a police department obsessed with keeping them out of other areas. This says nothing of the laughably inefficient freeway system down there. What I’m saying is I would live downtown but only if I could live in Union Station.

The other side of this is the weird reverse Stockholm syndrome effect of growing up in New York and then dealing with a real estate market that isn’t anything like that. A one-bedroom apartment for $1100? Take my money right the fuck now before someone else gets here. What’s that? None of my friends pay anything close to that much? Fuck. Before I left for Los Angeles I was paying $800 for one bedroom in a four-bedroom apartment at the top floor of a four-story walk-up. Getting an entire apartment for just three hundred more dollars seems like a steal no matter how bad the building actually ends up being. That’s how I ended up living for three years in an apartment where sewage periodically backs up into my bathtub. I’ll try to do better next time.