Paper Chase-ing, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #180 | @MDWorld

Dear Art,

I have had a hell of a week. It came out that my firm lost $2 billion in trading this year. This was a stunning turn of events but, more importantly it seems to have caused quite a stir in the media. There are renewed calls for more stringent banking regulations coming from both major political figures and prominent economists. Why can’t these people just understand what capitalism is and the volatility in the market? Something like this was bound to happen to someone eventually. Why’s everyone coming after me and mine?

-Jamie Dimon, CEO, JP Morgan Chase

Jamie,

You’re surprised people are coming after you? You lost $2 billion! Way more if you count the market capitalization your company lost when the announcement sent Chase’s stock tumbling downward. If I lost $200 dollars I would be beside myself. Hell, if I lost $20 I’d probably be pissed for a few minutes. I suppose that’s what’s separates high-powered executive types like you from guys like me, an ability to roll with stuff like this, but holy shit dude fake it for the cameras or something.

I never know when these letters are sent versus when important business decisions are made but it was announced that three of your senior traders were fired over this. You will be retained. In 2011 you had the highest compensation of any CEO in banking at $23 million. Maybe they’re hoping you can pay back these loses by working it off over the next 87 years. I hope you work out or something. I’m sure those three traders were responsible for those loses. That’s where the buck probably stopped. Worth every penny Jamie.

I don’t know if this specific incident should directly lead to more regulations on banking. Clearly your firm had the ability to soak a $2 billion loss without going under. On the other hand your bank is where I keep my money and you’ve got me a little spooked. I’ve never made an FDIC claim but I bet it isn’t a fun time. It probably wouldn’t help my consumer confidence score any. It seems particularly dangerous for commercial banks to be taking these kinds of risks and if it’s not you losing $2 billion it’ll be Bank of America losing three or Citi Group losing five. Eventually something has to crash through that hypothetical glass floor. Then you’ll make the entire economy bleed to death. Oh and either people will lose their life savings or the government would have to cover all the losses. That would increase the deficit and then it would probably lead to calls for more austerity measures and then we’re practically every struggling country in Europe. I would rather that not happen. Either chill the fuck out or let someone do it for you. Your call.