…As a Fucking Kite, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #271 | @MDWorld

June 8, 2012 Michael Davis 1 Comment

Last week I didn’t do a column. I was knee deep in painkillers from the oral surgery I had the week before. Usually when I’m at a loss for something to write I’ll come up with some quick clever shit, like an entire article using the word blah.

For the new readers I’ve been told I have, that article would go something like this…

Rant, rant, rant, blah, blah, blah I hate the GOP blah, rant, and fuck Mitt, blah, rant, and rant.

Yes, I have written things just as silly as the above and I’ve patted myself on the back for my witty clever way around not having anything to rant about. I try and make it a point to do these columns the day before so I’m ranting about something current. No-I don’t wait until the last minute because I’m lazy. I really do like my rants to be current. Last week, however, instead of putting on my ‘witty and clever’ hat I was SO drugged out of my mind I simply did not give a shit, so not only did I not write anything, I did not even care enough to post a witty ‘out sick’ or ‘gone fishing’ or ‘having a hot threesome’ or some other witty-yet-endearing shout out to my readers so you would know that I was at least respectful of the time you spend with me every Friday.

Nope-I was so out of it I just let it go.

That is so completely unacceptable and I apologize from the very bottom of my heart for not only missing my weekly rant but also for not having the wherewithal to post some silly shit that shows my love and respect for our community.

Again-I’m sorry.

But…I was just SO lit. Lit is hood speak for fucked up. Fucked up is hood speak for many things but in this instance fucked up means drugged out of my mind. I have a high tolerance for pain, EXCEPT for mouth pain. I’m a little bitch girl when it comes to mouth pain, and let me tell you I was having the MOTHER of all mouth pain last week.

So to combat my pain I took Vicodin every 6 hours.

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Vicodin. Vicodin bitches, Vicodin.

Just typing the words get me high.

Vicodin, Vicodin, VicodinVicodinVicodinVicodinVicodinVicodin.

What is Vicodin?

Vicodin contains a combination of acetaminophen and hydrocodone. Hydrocodone is in a group of drugs called opioid pain relievers. An opioid is sometimes called a narcotic. Acetaminophen is a less potent pain reliever that increases the effects of hydrocodone.

Vicodin is used to relieve moderate to severe pain.

Translation-Vicodin is my new best friend.

Sorry Denys, you my boy and all but Vicodin, well he, no, she understands me. She understands my pain, she understands what I need, she’s just…Vicodin. Why is Vicodin a woman? Because nothing that feels this good can be a man in my mind. Hey-I’m all for Gay rights but I prefer my drugged out moments of bliss to have a woman’s persona. Although if Vicodin was a real person and he was a man-well just book me two tickets to Brokeback Mountain.

Yeah, that shit is that good!

I never understood how people (white people) could become hooked on prescription pain- killers. Come on people when you see a black addict on the street you don’t think, “Oh no that poor man must be getting his drugs from Rite Aid.” Nope-it’s white people who fall pray to the drug store high. Black people get high the old fashioned way-back alleys and house parties.

I’ve seen (and known) plenty of people who have gotten hooked on some illegal shit like crack or meth, but up until my oh too brief moment with Ms. V, I never understood how you could become hooked on some legal dope. Now I understand.

I also understand why they call that shit dope. Really, no joke.

I’m lucky enough not to have an addictive personality. If I did I’d be hooked like a crack whore on this shit and I’m not kidding. DAMN this stuff feels good.

But-as much as I liked that high I did NOT like not doing my work. I did NOT like stalling on a chapter that I owe my fantastic editor Tom. I did not like letting my readers down here last week.

I did NOT like just sitting around my house in a drugged stupor. Well that’s not true, I did like that but I do not like admitting it. I have perhaps 30 Vicodin left but I stopped taking them, I switched to Advil instead.

Advil…BORING. It’s not only boring it simply does not stop the pain like Ms. V.

If I develop some real serious pain at some point I may pop another Vicodin but that will have to be some really serious pain. Pain like Mitt winning in November. Shit, if that happens consider me a addict.

If someone out there needs some serious pain relief I will be happy to let you have some of my supply as long as you know what you are doing.

Give me a call.

First ones free…