Vaginas Are Dirty, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #279 | @MDWorld

June 18, 2012 Mike Gold 0 Comments

Are there such things as atheist ghosts? I ask because, damn it, I’m certain I can hear the sound of George Carlin’s contemptuous laugher.

In another triumph of Great American Sanctimonious Stupidity, the Michigan House Republicans banned a state representative from speaking from the floor after she used the word “vagina.”

Let’s see: shit, piss, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Nope, “vagina” should be kosher.

Democratic Representative Lisa Brown, who actually is in possession of a vagina, took to the floor to speak to a series of bills knocking down abortion rights. “Finally, Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no,’” she said.

The Michigan Republicans went apeshit. One uttered “It was so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women.” That’s right, you boob. You can’t say the word “vagina” to a woman. To her credit, the emasculated Ms. Brown told a press conference “If I can’t say the word vagina, why are we legislating vaginas? What language should I use?” Hmmm. Try “Scheide.”

In the same legislature, another Democratic woman, Rep. Barb Byrum, was gaveled down after introducing a bill that would require men to prove that their life was in danger before they were allowed to receive a vasectomy. She told the Detroit Free Press she “was ignored by the majority floor leader and not allowed to speak on my amendment, which would have held the same standards for men and women when it comes to legal, voluntary procedures in reproductive health, and now I am being silenced for standing up for women.”

Don’t you get it, Ms. Byrum? It’s because you have a vagina, you silly twat. It’s amazing you got elected in the first place. It’s beginning to look like Republicans want to repeal the nineteenth amendment.

In fact this has been a great week for the smug, the self-righteous, and the pompous. A law was passed at the Middleborough Massachusetts town meeting imposing a $20.00 fine on public profanity. Jeez, in reporting that a simple typo could cost me a double-eagle.

Citing a state law that allows municipalities to enforce local laws that give police the power to arrest anyone who, in their judgment, “addresses another person with profane or obscene language” in public. According to the Associated Press, this ordinance gives police discretion over what they believe constitutes cursing ban. So all it takes is a gun and a badge to become an official censor. I gather you can be fined for having your teevee set on next near an open window.

I wonder how this will play in court. If the prosecutor accuses the defendant of uttering the word in question, wouldn’t he have to pay the fine? Could jurors actually deliberate?

“Well, I don’t think cocky-doody is offensive.”

“What? Speak up! Howdy Doody was cancelled years ago!”

“DOODY? You’re under arrest!”

Shit, piss, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. If George Carlin were alive today, he might have to add my response to his list.

Blow me.

Mike Gold doesn’t have a vagina but has always respected them. He performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking rock, blues and blather radio show on The Point, www.getthepointradio.com, every Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern, replayed three times during the week (check the website above for times) and available On Demand at the same place, so listen to it already! He also joins Martha Thomases and Michael Davis as a weekly columnist at www.comicmix.com, where he pontificates on matters of four-color.