So God Is A Republican After All, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #282 | @MDWorld
July 9, 2012 Mike Gold 0 Comments
Lefties. Progressives. Liberals. Socialists. Communists. Baby-Buggerers. Democrats. Potato. Potatoe*. Whatever; they all seem bent out of shape by this story, published last week in their daily brain implant, the New York Times.
For those who are click-challenged, the piece was all about how the Republicans hold secret cabal caucus meetings that “featured prayer gatherings where lawmakers hold hands and invoke god for or against specific measures on the House agenda.” According to pissed-off and tired-out outgoing Representative (D-NY) Gary Ackerman, “In the past, a fight was over how to make a good bill better. Now it’s become Good versus Evil.”
Hmmm. Ackerman. Isn’t that a Jewish name? And he’s from New York?
Meanwhile, the lefty, progressive, liberal, socialist, communist, baby-buggering Democrats have been holding their secret cabal caucus meetings in an attempt to summon the mighty Cthulhu, praised be his name, to aid in their fight to outspend the Republicans. But, clearly, the mighty Cthulhu, praised be his name, is above petty partisan politics. This is a shame: the battle between the mighty Cthulhu, praised be his name, and Jesus Christ would make for one hell of an episode of South Park.
So right now the high holy turf is being held by the Republicans and their god. Why this is a surprise to anybody is above me, no pun intended (well, not initially; I could have edited it out). Did you ever read their owner’s manual and rules of order? I know, to outsiders and to the lefty, progressive, liberal, socialist, communist, baby-buggering Democrats, it’s very confusing. There are all sorts of versions, and I’m not well-versed in all those various verses. I believe the more popular version was written or at least propagated by King James. However, according to Joe Eszterhas, perhaps the version found to be more useful to many Republicans appears to be the Douay-Rheims version, the fount of Mel Gibson’s religiosity.
This is a book that strongly advocates war and class-based suppression and even slavery. Women are little more than chattel, and usually less valuable to society. The sun revolves around an Earth that is only about six millennia old. This book is fraught with deeply confusing contradictions, most often interpreted to the benefit of the rich, the landowner and the privileged. It is the tome held high into battle by those committed to the destruction of those who do not follow its commands.
In short, the “Christian” bible is the perfect Republican road map… depending upon the version you might embrace, of course, and your group leaders’ interpretation of that version. This leaves the lefty, progressive, liberal, socialist, communist, baby-buggering Democrats with no choice but to seek the assistance of the mighty Cthulhu.
Oh. Yeah. Praised be his name.
* Thanks to Dan Quayle, the hockey momma bear of his time. Gold (Hmmm. That’s a Jewish name, isn’t it?) performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking rock, blues and blather radio show on The Point, www.getthepointradio.com , every Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern, rebroadcast three times during the week (check the website above for times) and available On Demand at the same place, so listen to it already! He also joins Martha Thomases and Michael Davis as a weekly columnist at www.comicmix.com where he pontificates on matters of four-color.
Rick Oliver
July 9, 2012 - 2:14 pm
Not to quibble, but I think you’re mostly thinking of the Old Testament, which is comprised of the Torah and a collection of other Jewish religious texts. Those on the religious right tend to only quote the Old Testament when it agrees with their current agenda and dismiss the more controversial passages by saying those don’t count because…well, because they were written by a bunch of Jews.
John has some comments about generally not having any fun of any kind, unless you count praising Jesus as fun, and Revelations provides some great excuses for not doing anything about pesky problems like global warming and dwindling natural resources since the world will end before those issues become really serious.
James Watt, Reagan’s secretary of the interior infamously said: “After the last tree is felled, Jesus will come back.” Other Christian groups eagerly await a nuclear holocaust in the mid-east for similar reasons.
Mike Gold
July 9, 2012 - 2:28 pm
It is likely that this story is apocryphal; Bill Moyers picked it up from Grist Magazine and both later recanted and apologized. However, Mr. Watt did ban the Beach Boys and the Grass Roots from performing their annual free concert at the National Mall because they encouraged drug and alcohol use. He replaced them with Wayne Newton, who was roundly booed. Turns out Watts’ boss, Saint Ronnie Reagan, and his wife, Mrs. Saint Reagan, were Beach Boys fans.
Watt also had illuminating views regarding affirmative action in his definition of a coal-leasing panel: “I have a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple.” That one cost him his job. He later was busted for felony perjury and obstruction of justice; he pled out.
Vinnie Bartilucci
July 9, 2012 - 4:05 pm
Reagan knew when to throw a guy under the truck. After the Beach Boys mess and Watt’s claim that committees had to include a black a Jew, a woman and a cripple, Reagan presented him at a press conference with an award, a bronze foot with a bullet hole in it.
It’s becoming more and more plain to me every day that the Republicans truly have become a political brick wall. It’s saddening the lengths they’ve gone to all but ensure that no plan of the president’s stands a chance of succeeding, solely so they can say how little he’s done.
Indeed, the moderate Republican is a thing of the past. And i think it’s going to take a true catastrophe to see another one.
Mike Gold
July 9, 2012 - 5:17 pm
Moderate? Hell, the CONSERVATIVE Republican is a thing of the past. These folks are flaming reactionaries. It’s probably too late for people like Lugar and Whitman to take their party back. If Romney wins, it will certainly be too late.
Mike Gold
July 10, 2012 - 6:35 am
Steve — Did Cthulhu clear SpellCheck?
George Haberberger
July 10, 2012 - 9:13 am
I remember when James Watt said what got him in trouble. I thought at the time it had to be the word “cripple”. Do people object to the other designations?
Mike Gold
July 10, 2012 - 11:02 am
It wasn’t the word, it was the joke. Watt got shit-canned because he was a pathological dickhead. But when it came to the Republican cabinet minister stand-up act, Watt was no Earl “”I’ll tell you what the coloreds want. It’s three things: first, a tight pussy; second, loose shoes; and third, a warm place to shit.” Butz.
Jerome Maida
July 10, 2012 - 7:31 pm
Mike, you really think Romney is an extreme conservative? You say you want moderates and then when presented with one make him out to be as conservative as Cheney. There is a reason everyone from Bachmann to Perry to Newt to Santorum to Palin to Hannity and Rush were portraying Romney as a “Massachusetts moderate”, because that’s what he IS
Mike Gold
July 10, 2012 - 8:05 pm
For most of 2012 he was an extreme conservative. Today, he decided to become a Bill Clinton New Democrat. He is not a Massachusetts moderate, Milt Romney is a chameleon with ADHD.
Or a complete whore. Take your pick.
Until the day he says “Fuck Obama, It’s Romneycare and it’s been saving the lives of plenty of people back home and I’m damn proud of it!”
Rick Oliver
July 10, 2012 - 9:25 pm
It doesn’t matter if Romney is a moderate or a conservative or a shape-shifting alien lizard. He will say and do whatever is necessary to appease the extreme wing of the Republican party, and if he’s elected, he’ll continue to do the same thing. In summarizing Bob Dole’s failed campaign for president, someone said, “The only vision he had was a vision of himself in the White House.”
Romney may win this election, but it’s also possible that Obama will win even with a minority of the white vote. In the long run the current Republican Party is in serious demographic trouble from growing segments of the population that have a very different vision of what this country should be.
Mike Gold
July 10, 2012 - 9:44 pm
Alienating the non-white non-males is the stupidest strategy this version of the Republican Party can have. As you say, Rick, the numbers are against them. They might be able to rig the vote in several states with their new slant on the poll tax, but what will that get them? Another idiot in the White House who will extend the tax breaks for the rich and for the oil companies? Big deal. Eight years on the outside and the people they’ve been shitting over will have an even larger majority than they do now, and there won’t be enough women, gays, blacks and Hispanics to stupidly vote against their own self-interest.
Meanwhile, the for-profit hospitals will go blooie with all their non-paying poor patients, the insurance companies will have to jack up their rates beyond employers’ ability to pay them, the homeless will be doing the road show to Hunger Games and people will be buying enough bicycles to make Big City America look like a third world nation.
The Grand Old Republican Party died in 2006. The Insane Republican Party will kill America.
Rick Oliver
July 11, 2012 - 2:08 pm
When there are 100 million uninsured Americans instead of 40 million, we will get true healthcare reform.
Rene
July 12, 2012 - 6:05 am
Pointing the obvious here, but Romney is not an extreme conservative, he is a moderate trying to pass as one, and not doing a good job of it.
This is one of those things you can’t fake for very long convincingly, like a gay man trying to pass as straight.