Back From the Electoral Future, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #204 | @MDWorld

November 6, 2012 Arthur Tebbel 0 Comments

Election day is here America!  I am not here to tell you who to vote for because there are really plenty of people out there who are willing to do that.  I am here to tell you exactly what will happen if either candidate wins.  This is because I have just come back from two trips into parallel futures.  I don’t know exactly how multiple timelines work so I can’t exactly guarantee all of these things will happen but the odds are certainly in their favor.

If Barack Obama wins:

The most important institution in America collapses: the National Football League.  Concerns about concussions and the long-term effects of brain injuries lead insurance companies to stop covering high school, football and then all but the richest college programs.  This erodes the talent base for the pro league.  Ironically an Obama administration is not willing to mandate that insurance companies cover football programs and the sport becomes like boxing, mostly boring and overshadowed by UFC.

There actually will be a socialist dictatorship in the United States.  It doesn’t come around until 2184 and it really has more to do with riots over diminishing supplies of helium but it happens.  Sean Hannity is absolutely insufferable about it.  I don’t mean that Sean Hannity lives for over 200 years or anything it becomes a title passed down through the years.

If Mitt Romney wins:

Clean energy gets a huge boost when America switches, en masse, to personal airships.  This doesn’t happen because of Romney’s pro-green initiatives but rather because a protracted war with Iran spills into the entire Middle East and so cripples international oil production that people are forced to buy expensive personal airships.  The companies that get these airships to market first are, coincidentally, run by big Romney backers.  It’s actually a coincidence but it drives Chris Matthews to an early grave.

Women are literally put in to kennels like dogs.  This isn’t part of some horrible social conservative legislative effort; rather the fad comes from a reality show called Say Woof to the Roof.  No one really has a problem with it because they’re glad to be rid of the whole Honey Boo Boo fad.

Poor people all become rich when trickle-down economics finally hits critical mass and eliminates all economic ills.  There are unintended consequences when the immense additional wealth creates a crush on limited resources like food.  The country is saved when they start making delicious Soylent Green out of the corpses of all the economists who have committed suicide in a fit of shame.

There you have it folks.  No matter how you vote on election day I hope you can take these facts into account.