Devoid of Content, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #205 | @MDWorld

November 13, 2012 Arthur Tebbel 0 Comments

I have a confession for you all this week: I have nothing.  I’ve been stressing for days for a topic and nothing’s stuck.  Instead you will be getting a tour of the half ideas I couldn’t stretch in to a whole joke let alone an entire mess of jokes.

There was always the option to spike the football and celebrate the election.  The election from a week ago, the one that everyone is sick of talking about.  I don’t even think I could make fun of the insane conclusions being drawn without feeling too much like a retread.  When that woman from Arizona ran her husband over with a Jeep over the weekend because she blamed him for Obama’s reelection I thought I was saved but, really, what is there to say about that that isn’t sad?  This poor woman was convinced a second Obama turn would bring her financial ruin and now that her husband has life-threatening injuries and she’s probably going to jail it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I considered writing about the NHL lockout but there are a number of factors working against that.  First and foremost I really don’t know shit about hockey.  As an American man who grew up in a cold weather city I can definitely fake it but it wouldn’t stand up to any scrutiny at all it would basically just be me shitting on more rich owners trying to treat their employees like slaves and, frankly, there’s enough of that going on in this country I could just do that every week.  More importantly, I don’t think the readers here at Michael Davis World really care about sports.  Those are the least commented upon columns and while I’m not quite as comment crazy as some other columnists you like knowing that something’s connecting with someone.  Besides, I’m really just biding my time for my comment-record-breaking column “Here’s why every gay marriage should involve the couple performing several abortions and then rubbing them all over the Catholic priest that was forced to perform the service” look for it as soon as I come up with a snappier title.

I really blame this whole drought on celebrities.  Perhaps they’ve been instructed by the recent political campaigns but they haven’t been doing or saying stupid things with the frequency I’ve come to depend on.  I mean sure some guest at Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s wedding made a video of homeless people pretending to be friends of the happy couple but no one doesn’t like Justin Timberlake so he’s basically impossible to devote an entire column to mocking.  It’s weird when people get in to these positions.  Ryan Gosling could probably stand in front of the Chinese Theater all day today drowning adorable puppies and kittens and still be beating the girls away with a stick.  I mean just search Twitter for TeamBreezy and you’ll see that even people who shouldn’t be popular for a second are basically beyond reproach now.  If Lindsay Lohan doesn’t go to jail soon the entire celebrity mocking business might go under.