Parenting in the 21st Century, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #307 (collect ‘em all) | @MDWorld
December 31, 2012 Mike Gold 2 Comments
Looking back on 2012, I ask myself what was the worst crap to hit the fan. The fiscal cliff? The nomination of Mitt Romney? The ever-worsening environment? Oh, there is so much to choose from. But one item stands out above the rest.
2012 was the year we as a society gave up on the concept of parenting.
Pictured above is Mama Boo-Boo, whose astonishingly spoiled silly and completely delusional daughter Honey stole the hearts and minds of American teevee watchers from such stalwarts as Ryan Seacrest, Donald Trump, and the Kardashian family. This is akin to having a limbo party and leaving the pole on the floor. I haven’t seen the show; the concept doesn’t appeal to me – and I like Dave Attell. I’ve read and heard all about it and I imagine the “high concept” at the pitch session was “ok, picture in your mind’s eye mankind jumping back into the primordial slime.” It’s clear The Learning Channel’s definition of “learning” is in the same dictionary that defines The History Channel’s definition of “history.”
Our take-away from Honey Boo-Boo? The next time somebody talks about eugenics, don’t be so dismissive.
Then we have the villain of the year: the late Nancy Lanza, who thought taking her disturbed child Adam to the gun range to soak up some entertaining social skills was great parenting. If Adam had been blind, Nancy would have taught him how to drive. Mama Lanza kept all kinds of guns in her house and kept them accessible to her whackjob 20 year-old. She kept a Glock 9-mm handgun, a Sig Sauer 9-mm handgun and a Bushmaster .223 semi-automatic rifle among her arsenal of registered weapons. Amusingly, her child carried a Glock 9-mm handgun, a Sig Sauer 9-mm handgun and a Bushmaster .223 semi-automatic rifle with him on his visit to a nearby school where he shot his way in and slaughtered 20 small children and six big adults. He did this after first gunning down his mother.
Our take-away from the Sandy Hook Massacre? John Lennon was right. Instant karma is gonna get you.
But even that is understandable – to paraphrase NRA honcho Wayne LePew, “shit happens” – compared to the family of one of the Newtown kids who did not get slaughtered by young Adam. Their child heard the spree on the school’s PA system and was understandably disturbed by the event. Did they give their child the love and support he/she needed? Did they avail themselves of the counselors provided to these children? Did they take their kid to a shrink? A pastor? A showing of Tommy? Maybe. But they did hire a mindlessly greedy asshole lawyer, a shameless whore out to exploit a tragedy that is beyond horror to try to sue the state of Connecticut for $100,000,000.00 for “allowing” the killing spree to happen.
Our take-away from this lawsuit? With great horror comes a great payday.
I just read a survey that said 97% of the respondents were optimistic about 2013. Hmm… Compared to what?
My take-away from this survey? The most dangerous force of nature is hubris.
—
Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking rock, blues and blather radio show on The Point, www.getthepointradio.com , every Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern, rebroadcast three times during the week – check the website above for times. Gold also joins Martha Thomases and Michael Davis as a weekly columnist at www.comicmix.com where he pontificates on matters of four-color.
Douglass Abramson
December 31, 2012 - 2:19 pm
Amen, brother!
Reg
December 31, 2012 - 3:20 pm
“The most dangerous force of nature is hubris.”
Deep.
“Our take-away from Honey Boo-Boo? The next time somebody talks about eugenics, don’t be so dismissive.”
LOL. You’re wrong for that, bro.
Best wishes and hopes to all the MDW fam for 2013!!
p.s. Dude! PLEASE change that picture! It looks like a cross between Jabba the Hut, an Arrakis worm and Pennywise. Not the imagery to carry into a new year.
Mike Gold
December 31, 2012 - 3:39 pm
Reg, I worked hard at doing that picture. It’s not that the work was so hard, I was laughing so hard it slowed me down.
And I swear Photoshop was laughing too.
Happy New Year to all and to all…
Whitney
December 31, 2012 - 6:34 pm
Golden Boy –
I worked hard on my cowgirl picture, too, this week. This is a tough crowd…
AMEN on the Happy New Year to ALL!!
Rick Oliver
January 1, 2013 - 9:26 am
I’m going to sue the media for upsetting me by covering the Sandy Hook story.
Mike Gold
January 1, 2013 - 10:09 am
Oh-oh. As Ravelli told Spaulding, “Hey, I bet I’m gonna lose on the deal.”
Pennie
January 1, 2013 - 5:02 pm
My dear friend Mike, I wish you and all others within eyeshot here on this corner of the universe a far better year than the last.
“Pictured above is Mama Boo-Boo, whose astonishingly spoiled silly and completely delusional daughter Honey stole the hearts and minds of American teevee watchers from such stalwarts as Ryan Seacrest, Donald Trump, and the Kardashian family. This is akin to having a limbo party and leaving the pole on the floor.”
Love it–and you.
Not to diminish your theme here but I am fortunate to know two really fine parents: you and Martha.
Keep those fires burning my dear friend.
Pennie
January 1, 2013 - 5:13 pm
And…least I forget, I wish for you an NHL return for 2013. For me, a Red Sox return I live to enjoy.
MOTU
January 1, 2013 - 5:51 pm
Pennie,
I LOVE you but the Red Sox…SUCK! 😉
MOTU
January 1, 2013 - 6:27 pm
Mike,
I’ve raged against the parenting machine in articles here and elsewhere for years but never have I put it better than you did with this piece.
I’ve said this before, I’d like to see a law where the parents of kids who commit certain crimes like trashing someones home or some such shit like that. Some kids do just because they think they can, I’d like to see the kids AND the parents get jail time.
Harsh?
FUCK NO, not to me.
My mother only hit me ONCE in my life but that and more importantly giving me guidance is all it took for me NOT to step out of line.
Some kids think they can get away with anything, that’s not because of peer pressure, that’s not TV, that’s not video games, that’s because of mom and fucking dad.
I asked my mother once when I was a kid, “why can’t I smoke? YOU smoke?” My mother (while lighting a cigarette) said; “Do what I SAY, not what I do.”
She raised me and my sister in a place so dangerous that it seemed that people were getting killed weekly yet she found the time despite working two jobs for years to still teach me what I needed to know.
Time and time again we these fucking well to do, want for nothing, privileged kids do something crazy and what do mom and dad do when that happens? They get the best lawyers money can buy and the kids often get a slap on the wrist which translates to them that they can do whatever the fuck they want again.
I hope it doesn’t happen but I would not be surprised if someday Honey Bo Bo put a bullet in the head of the first person that tells her ‘no.’
The Learning Channel? Really? WTF is anyone learning from that fat little brat?
Mike Gold
January 1, 2013 - 9:14 pm
MOTU — They’re learning not to have children.
Thanks for the words, and thanks for the energy.
Pennie
January 1, 2013 - 9:39 pm
MOTU, since Sept of 2011, it is true. The SOX sucked so bad, it was ruinous to my health. I can attribute my cancer directly to that source. I’ve taken measures. So have my beloved Sox. We’ll see if surgery and chemo has cured our entwined fates…
MOTU
January 1, 2013 - 10:20 pm
Pennie,
I’m praying for you and if The Red Sox will help you in any way then I want them to win the World Series.
As a Yankee fan that means I’ve just crossed over to The Dark Side and will be excommunicated from the Yankee Nation.
I’m good with that. 😉
Doug Abramson
January 2, 2013 - 12:45 am
MOTU,
Pulling for a team other than the Yankees is crossing FROM The Dark Side, not TO it. 🙂
Pennie
January 2, 2013 - 4:34 am
MOTU, I really get how much this means. A jolt in The Force. Planets disrupted in their orbits. The Sox are just another piece of my life that has been challenging but your prayers and thoughts are gratefully accepted with open arms. I will survive!
Pennie
January 2, 2013 - 4:35 am
Thank you, Doug…????
Pennie
January 2, 2013 - 4:36 am
Those ???? We’re supposed to be comic not tragic… My keyboard may need some chemo.
Rene
January 2, 2013 - 5:05 am
And it’s so fucking easy to blame comic books, rock music, action movies, or video games for corrupting the youth. Everything to let parents off the hook. America has been doing it since the 1950s.
Speaking of the 1950s, one of the reasons REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE remains a classic is that it presented a novel idea: behind every young man acting like monster, there is probably some really shitty parenting going on.
I can even hear the objections to let parents off the hook: “But this week’s monster had a brother that turned out all right, and they had the same parents!” Simple, just like people have different tolerances to poison, people have different tolerances to bad parenting. Some shoot people in schools, others just drink a lot to kill the feeling of silent despair.
I don’t believe I’m going to say something bad about contraception, since I believe ardently in contraception, but maybe a lot of couples who are smart, sensitive, prudent, etc., the sort of couple that would make great parents, are the ones that are too smart to have kids now that is so easy to avoid it. Anyone that is afraid that they wouldn’t be a good parent probably are the ones that would be good parents.
The bad parents are the ones that end up having lots of kids. The couples that are too reckless, too sure of themselves, too whatever, to refuse the call.
Mike Gold
January 2, 2013 - 12:41 pm
Rene, it’s so fucking easy for parents to blame anything and everything… but themselves. These parents raised two kids, one of whom turned out swell and the other a spree killer. That doesn’t mean these were great parents. Batting .500 is amazing in baseball, it’s really, really shitty in childrearing.
Particularly when the bad seed kills 26 people on an otherwise nice day.
Today’s the day the Sandy Hook kids returned to school — a different building a few miles away. There are a lot of billboards around here about the Newtown Massacre (“We Are Sandy Hook, We Chose Love”). These kids will continue to be bombarded for a long time.
On a somewhat vaguely happier note, the cocksucker lawyer I mentioned who was suing the state for not pre-acting omnipotently “suspended” the suit “based on possible new evidence.”
Perhaps that “possible new evidence” was somebody pointing out that he was well in the running for Douche of the Year.
Mike Gold
January 2, 2013 - 12:44 pm
Pennie, I understand rooting for the Red Sox (particularly in the land of the Tigers) isn’t the same as rooting for just any ol’ Boston team, but I’d like to note that the Boston Bruins not only have one of the better goalies around, but they are clearly IMHO the best-dressed team on the ice.
When they actually have ice to stake on, of course.
Rick Oliver
January 2, 2013 - 2:24 pm
While not criminally liable for the actions of their children, I think in most states parents of minor children can be held liable in civil court.
Pennie
January 2, 2013 - 4:20 pm
Mike, it makes me sad you can’t fix your NHL jones. I can’t stand these league lockouts. Although not my passion like baseball, I admire hockey players for their sheer athleticism, tenacity, and skills. The Bruins…I used to love watching Bobby O. He was a magician. I actually watched a lot of hockey in the good old days of Mikita, Giacomin, Boom Boom…that old Bruin who camped out on everyone’s net…and I stopped when the league expanded to the St, L. Blues.
Old fogie me…
Pennie
January 2, 2013 - 4:23 pm
The Red Sox allow me to hold on to one of my few childhood passions that have not been invaded like so many others.
Mike Gold
January 2, 2013 - 4:25 pm
Yep, I grew up (to the extent that I grew up) watching the same guys. Saw a few of ’em at the 2009 Winter Classic at Wrigley Field, alongside a number of the Chicago Cubs of the same generation. A weird and truly great experience — watching hockey from the stands at Wrigley Field.
Pennie
January 2, 2013 - 4:54 pm
Was Ernie on the net?
Mike Gold
January 2, 2013 - 7:57 pm
Cute. MOTU won’t believe it, but the Hawks have a black goalie — well, they did last year. He’s a good goalie, a great badass in a sport that breeds the most polite badasses of em all. We’ll see if there’s a this year, this year.
I met Ernie Banks when he was doing community relations for a Chicago bank. The youth social service program I was with was given a grant by the bank, so the Exec Director and I did the “big check” photo op with Ernie and the bank president. Except all I could think was “Fuck! I’m standing next to Ernie fuckin’ Banks!”
MOTU
January 2, 2013 - 9:06 pm
Mike said,
“MOTU won’t believe it, but the Hawks have a black goalie — well, they did last year.”
Now they don’t because they (wait for it, wait for it…) FOUND OUT HE WAS BLACK!!!
B L A M ! RIMSHOT! I’m here all week try chicken! Herman Cain TRY the watermelon!
Mike Gold
January 3, 2013 - 11:00 am
Yeah, they just found out. I guess that explains why Ray Emery wears this mask: http://ingoalmag.com/masks/ray-emerys-chicago-blackhawks-mask/
Oddly, that isn’t Chief Black Hawk on the side. You’d think it would be, but Chief Black Hawk sort of looked like Pete Townshend. Kinda. That would raise too many questions.
R. Maheras
January 3, 2013 - 2:35 pm
I miss playing hockey. And while I was a Blackhawks fan in the 1960s and 1970s, when I was in my playing heyday, there was nothing like being on the ice youself. I played goalie, and, like my idol Tony Esposito, I was a “flopper-style” goalie.
Let me tell you — there is nothing more exhilarating for a goalie than facing a breakaway against one or more opposing players.
Many may think a goalie would dread such things, but I used to love it. I still remember the feeling of watching ia breakway unfold down the ice, sliding out to cut off the net angle available to the shooter, and steeling myself for the defensive burst I would have to make once my opponent committed to one side of the net or the other. I almost always let the shooter make the first move and let my reflexes do the rest.
What a rush!
But if I tried it today, even assuming I could still move around with pads on, I’m sure it would boil down to which would explode first: My joints, my heart or a blood vessel in my brain.
But while it sucks to get old, as Maurice Chevalier so eloquently put it, “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”
Mike Gold
January 3, 2013 - 5:11 pm
That’s one of the few things Maurice and I agree upon.
Goalies have an insane courage, to be sure. Just sit behind one at a game for a while and wonder why the ice doesn’t turn yellow. But goalies before helmets and masks — you know, back in the Glenn Hall days… that’s something that goes well beyond “courage” or “sanity.” Something totally incomprehensible. All those guys in front of you carrying sticks and blades — they’re all out to get you. A couple of those guys are going to slap their stick on a piece of hard rubber and send it hurdling towards your body — with the intent of hurdling THROUGH your body — at 100 miles an hour. And them guys are on the ice for the entire game.
Yeah, Pennie’s right. I’m jonesing bad.
R. Maheras
January 3, 2013 - 7:02 pm
You made me wince, you did. A flashback of slapshots to the groin, armpit, skate side, neck and other barely exposed or lightly padded areas. But nothing that couldn’t be walked off, eh?
😉
Mike Gold
January 3, 2013 - 9:07 pm
Crawled off, in my case. We had a frozen-over basketball blacktop in a small park on Drake. If the ice didn’t get you, that uneven blacktop did. I didn’t last long; couldn’t pass worth a damn.
Neil C.
January 4, 2013 - 12:35 am
Damn it, now I miss hockey more…especially since the football season is over in NYC.
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