Justin Sanity, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #217 | @MDWorld

March 12, 2013 Arthur Tebbel 0 Comments

Dear Art,
I think I’m approaching a crisis point.  It seems like only yesterday I was a young pop star on top of the world but it turns out that wasn’t yesterday at all but in fact several weeks ago.  I’ve been in the news lately for all sorts of negative things: I collapsed on stage at a show in London, I was booed after making a crowd wait too long, I’ve been seen wearing a gas mask in public more than once, and I attacked a paparazzi while hurling profanity at him.  To make matters worse my pop star ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez is on the verge of releasing a song attacking our relationship and me.  What the hell?  I didn’t date Taylor Swift for a reason and I’m still dealing with breakup tracks?  What can I do to turn this all around?
-Justin Bieber

Justin,
Get a real estate license and see if you can live a normal life somewhere back in Canada.  That’s probably not the answer you wanted to hear because it involves giving up the money and the women and everything else but you should probably be made aware that fame destroys people and it especially destroys young people.  You won’t give it up and you’ll either work through it or you’ll become some weird hybrid of Michael Jackson, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.  I’m here to help though and I’ll try to guide you down the path to becoming a sensible famous person.  I tried to come up with an example of a famous young musician who led a normal straightforward life and all I could come up with was Justin Timberlake and that might not be the best example but there’s a first time for everything.

Maybe you don’t need to tour so much.  I understand that touring is where most of an artists income comes from and that record deals usually completely fuck over the artist but you’ve got to believe you’re in this for the long term now right?  At half the tour dates are you really going to have to move back in with your mom?  Have you ever seriously considered going to university?  I’m sure it would be very difficult to get a standard kind of college experience with the fame and the paparazzi but famous people have gone to college before and maybe you could too.  You’re a Canadian citizen and I would like to recommend the University of British Columbia, it’s in a beautiful area and Vancouver seems to be a much chiller town that Los Angeles or London.  It also never hurts to have a real education even if you never need a standard job.

As far as the whole relationship drama goes I think you need to just get over it.  I’m sure there are a lot of classic songs I know all the words to that are about specific famous people but in time most people forget what the deal is and just get lost in the tune.  I’m also not entirely sure Selena Gomez has that enduring appeal that makes music last the ages.  Until one of that Disney crop lasts more than five years I would bunker down with a crop of groupies and ride out the news cycle about the diss song.  When it dies down look in to getting some college applications, seriously you’ll thank me.