MICHAEL DAVIS WORLD

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My Mandatory April Fool’s Column, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #320 | @MDWorld

April 1, 2013 Mike Gold 7 Comments

Brainiac Art 320In the spirit of today’s holiday, I decided to crib a bit of business from Republican Jeff Foxworthy.

You just might be an April’s Fool if you believe…

• The world is flat

• The sun revolves around the Earth

• Evolution is a bunch of baloney

• Climate change is a bunch of baloney

• Same sex marriage has anything to do with your heterosexual marriage

• Any other adult’s sex life is any of your business (except your boss’s)

• American Exceptionalism is right-on-the-money

• American Exceptionalism has anything to do with patriotism

• Barack Obama was born any place other than Hawaii, U.S.A.

• Barack Obama is a Marxist

• Barack Obama is a Muslim

• The Constitution gives you the right to the unregulated possession of any ordinance you desire

• People who are suffering from mental disease still have the right to own guns

• People who have been convicted of felonies still have the right to own guns

• People who have been convicted of violent felonies still have the right to own guns

• People on the Terrorist Watch List have the right to own guns

• It should be easier to buy guns than it is to buy cold pills

• The Armed Forces would go along with a Presidential order to go door-to-door and to search every nook and cranny in America to confiscate all our guns

• The government has any interest in confiscating all of our guns

• The government can’t deliver the mail on Saturdays but is capable of confiscating all our guns

• The Newtown Massacre was staged

• The lunar landing was staged

• Social Security and/or Medicare would be better served by any form of privatization

• Americans’ health would be better served by any form of privatization

• Hospitals actually give a damn about your health

• Pharmaceutical companies want you to be in good health

• Insurance companies will ever treat you fairly… or morally

• Now that the liberals shoved a black president down our throats, racism is no longer an issue

• Republicans who work with Democrats are no longer Republicans

• Conservatives who do not believe in Christian dogma are not Conservatives

• The Soviet threat exists

• If a person is in poverty, it is because that person is lazy

• People would rather live off of welfare or unemployment compensation than work

• People can actually live off of welfare or unemployment compensation, or at minimum wage

• Donald Trump is a brilliant businessman

• Donald Trump is intelligent

• The Ten Commandments supersedes democracy

• The guy who plays Satan in The Bible teevee series doesn’t look at all like President Obama

• Dick Cheney is a good human being

• Dick Cheney is a human being

And if you believe in more than one of the above, you just might be a dangerous lunatic.

Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking rock, blues and blather radio show on The Point, www.getthepointradio.com, every Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern, rebroadcast three times during the week – check the website above for times. Gold also joins MDW’s Marc Alan Fishman, Martha Thomases and Michael Davis as a weekly columnist at www.comicmix.com where he pontificates on matters of four-color.

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Comments

  1. Whitney
    April 3, 2013 - 3:37 pm

    Golden Boy –

    That pic is another reason why I didn’t like The Bible miniseries.

    satan in scripture is the beautiful Son of the Morning and comes as an angel of light. If he looks menacing, people get their guard up. The gorgeous actor they cast as a Causaian (what??) Jesus might be a better approximation of the former covering cherub of the Throne who was cast down and out.

    I unfortunately don’t think that the producers unintentionally cast an Obama lookalike. Again, unscriptural because we are called to pray blessings for our leaders. No exceptions.

    Best satan casting ever? Viggo Mortensen. The Prophesy with Christopher Walken. I was a fan of that choice, not just because Viggo was married to Exene Cervenka of X.

  2. Reg
    April 3, 2013 - 5:36 pm

    “satan in scripture is the beautiful Son of the Morning and comes as an angel of light. If he looks menacing, people get their guard up. The gorgeous actor they cast as a Causaian (what??) Jesus might be a better approximation of the former covering cherub of the Throne who was cast down and out.

    I unfortunately don’t think that the producers unintentionally cast an Obama lookalike. Again, unscriptural because we are called to pray blessings for our leaders. No exceptions.”

    Whitney, THIS is just one reason why you are Agaped.

    Of course, if the producers had taken the path of switching the actors so that the production was more closely aligned with the Scriptures…the backlash would have likely rivaled that the one against Rushdie.

    And wouldn’t that have been telling?

  3. Mike Gold
    April 4, 2013 - 8:16 am

    Hmmm… do you think Obama is one of the top five most recognized faces in America? One of the top 10 most recognized faces in the world?

    Despite their protestations, it’s just impossible for me to believe that the producers of The Bible are so isolated that they didn’t recognize their li’l Satan guy as the man that, according to a poll conducted by Public Policy Polling released Tuesday, 26% of Americans believe IS (13%) or MAY BE (13%) the anti-Christ. Plenty of sources for this one; my first one was http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/apr/02/americans-obama-anti-christ-conspiracy-theories.

    26% of American voters polled think Barack Obama either is or may be the anti-Christ, and these assholes say it’s just a ginormous coincidence. My pink ass.

  4. Rene
    April 4, 2013 - 4:01 pm

    There is one interesting comment in that Guardian article.

    The hardcore Conservatives make about 1/4 of the USA. That number appears again and again. It’s always 23-26% of people. A list of numbers that fall on that range:

    – George W. Bush’s approval rating when he stepped out of the White House.

    – People who still believe the Iraq War was justified.

    – Approval ratings of Sarah Palin.

    – People who still doubted Obama after he presented his birth certificate.

    Not everybody in that 1/4 is a Crazy Christian, but when they say Obama is the anti-Christ, they may not mean it literally. Just that they think Obama is really, really, really evil.

  5. Mike Gold
    April 4, 2013 - 4:08 pm

    They checked off “anti-Christ.” That’s good enough for me.

    I can’t begin to tell you how I’m restraining myself in not responding to your line “Not everybody in that 1/4 is a Crazy Christian, but…” It is taking ALL of my will power.

    Here’s another Fun Fact. According to a Pew Research poll released today, 52% of Americans favor legalization of marijuana, up from 17% in 1990. Add that to the speed with which attitudes towards same-sex marriage are changing, and it appears Bob Dylan remains correct.

  6. Rene
    April 4, 2013 - 5:37 pm

    Well, considering that about 13% of Americans believe in the Rapture, I’d say about half of those hardcore Conservatives are also Crazy Christians. The others just reacted to the question the same way you would if someone asked you if Dick Cheney is the anti-Christ.

    (Another funny comment in the Guardian: No, Cheney can’t be the anti-Christ, because he is much more evil than the anti-Christ)

  7. Mike Gold
    April 4, 2013 - 5:40 pm

    I didn’t believe in “evil” until Dick Cheney came along. And I once took Casper Weinburger to the Playboy club.

    Actually, that might make me the evil one. But Cap loved it. His handler still wants to kill me.

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