Johnny Footballin’ by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #224 | @MDWorld

September 4, 2013 Arthur Tebbel 0 Comments

Dear Art,

I am in a bit of trouble and was hoping you could help me out.  Last year I won the Heisman Trophy, becoming the first true freshman to ever do so.  I spent the offseason acting a bit like a celebrity, partying, getting thrown out of a camp run by the Manning brothers and generally acting like a 20 year-old kid with the world at his feet.  In January I signed a bunch of autographs for memorabilia dealers allegedly for money.  There was no proof I took any money but it was ruled I had “inadvertently” broken NCAA regulations and I was suspended for the first half of the first game of the season.  I played most of the second half and during numerous play stoppages faked signing an autograph, rubbed my fingers together in the money sign, and pointed to the scoreboard drawing a penalty.  The media is going nuts calling me a loose cannon, that I’m immature, and saying I have bad character.  Is this true?  What should I do?

-Johnny Manziel

Johnny,

Don’t you dare change a single thing.  You are, by far, the most interesting player in football college or professional and unlike the usual player stories that get out it’s not about some weird piece of trivia it’s actually about who you are on and off the field.  That’s too refreshing to let some sports writers bully you out of it.

Let’s get one thing straight though; I’m pretty sure you took money to sign those autographs.  Why else would you sit there and sign them?  Don’t let that make you think you’re lacking moral high ground.  Every person in the media, every person at the NCAA, every person at your school’s compliance office, they’re all getting rich off of the work you’re doing for free right now.  When Lou Holtz and Mark May get on ESPN to complain about you the lights, cameras, sets and makeup are all being paid for by the attention you command for being this good and for having this personality.  Unless they are taking those paychecks and donating them to the scholarship fund at your school they’re hypocrites and have no standing at all.

Football is a brutal sport and your career could be over tomorrow.  With the things we’ve learned about concussions and the things we’re learning every day you could suffer damage to your brain that could never recover.  The idea that you should do that for free is disgusting and the idea that if they’re going to make you do it for free you can’t have as much fun as you want is absurd.  There should be a line and when that line is crossed that’s what the unsportsmanlike conduct penalty is for but you’d have to give away 15 yards fairly often to be in serious danger against a cupcake like Rice.  Have fun out there.

I’d like to tell you it gets better but that just isn’t true.  Sure, no one will ask you pointed questions every time you sign something once you go pro and you’ll get a check every week but the NFL is absolutely the No Fun League.  They’ll start fining you if you start to pull these stunts with them.  You also might not have the prototypical body type or game for pro ball.  I recommend doing what any world-class athlete with an outsized personality and a questionable NFL future does.  Become a professional wrestler; it sure worked for former University of Miami player Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.