“DC Universe Vs. Masters of the Universe #3” by Marc Alan Fishman – Snarky Synopsis | @MDWorld

December 15, 2013 Marc Fishman 0 Comments

Written by Keith Giffen and Tony Bedard. Art by Dexter Soy, Derlis Santacruz and Andres Ponce

Who in Rao’s name is this book targeted at? I’m being serious, kiddos. If “DCU vs. MotU” is aimed at kids? Great job. But last I checked, He-Man hasn’t been part of the youth zeitgeist in several decades. Sure, yes, a few times they tried rehabbing the license for a new generation… but it never stuck. At all. This would point then perhaps to my generation, no? Certainly a comic book featuring the heroes and villains of my yesteryears doing battle with the current iteration of DC’s titular titans of Justice? Well, that should be a damned wet dream made reality. Instead? I get a book written for ten year olds, drawn for 14 years olds, and targeting no one younger, older, or in between. It’s a damned shame.

Let us start with the plot, shall we? As delivered by acclaimed writer Keith Giffen, we get something dusted off and pulled from deep within the crappy team-up trope bin. Seems Skeletor has invaded Earth to suck the magic out of it, and in order to take up pages, decides to curse He-Man’s sword, and brainwash the JLA into fighting He-Dude, Evil-Lynn, and some other chick I don’t care about. In issue 2 (I assume, since I didn’t read it, nor will I seek it out), Superman and He-Man threw down. Supes got stabbity-stabbed, and in this issue, he lays like a pile of laundry in Wonder Woman’s arms. Oh, and then he disintegrates.

Elsewhere, my favorite action figures (Man At Arms, the wing-guy, a robot, and I’m feigning a guess… Moss Man?) port over to Earth where they end up fighting with the Justice League of America. That’s the JLA with Martain Manhunter and the terrorist Green Lantern. And spoiler alert… Skeletor is hiding out in the House of Secrets with some sexpot (again, don’t know who it is, and don’t care), and is doing all of this evil-plotting with his co-conspirator… DARK ORKO. I quit.

It took two brilliant writers to dish out this schlock? I doubt it. Hey Keith and Tony? Verizon called. They’re glad you’re using the service but it’s time perhaps to stop phoning it in. Zing. Bedard contributes the “script” here versus Giffen’s “plot”. I assume that means he wrote the dialogue. Rather than give my opinion (since it’s a little obvious by now, no?)… I’ll choose to take a page from their book. Here. Enjoy this sample dialogue:

Blond Lady: Since when do you care what happens to Earth?

Evil Boobs: I don’t. But it matter to you, and as much as it pains me to admit it, I need you. Just in case Lord Skeletor isn’t so happy to see me.

John Constantine: Agreed: the sooner you all sod off back to Eternia, the better.

Blue/Black Haired Lady: John and I shall summon help from our associates, while you locate Skeletor.

Eisner material, no? No. Bedard runs his “script” through the churn-n-burn factory. He-characters speak either as G-rated cartoon knock-offs, or odd Middle-Earth wannabees. DCU characters seem to tick off their character-sheets from the WB offices. You can almost hear some faceless boardroom declaring “Make sure Wonder Woman calls Superman her man! Batman needs to be a jerk! Everyone else should merely advance the plot!” The only person in the script with any interest to hold is Skeletor’s host. I’m not sure exactly who she is, but the fact that she needs to snark with “This is the part where you thank me for hooking up this dump with broadband.” Apparently in spite of his rock-hard abs, lack of lower jaw, and big bag of photoshop effects that surround him… Skeletor is still a pussy ripped straight outta Saturday morning cartoons. It’s sad, really.

The art chores required 3 main artists, and a colorist. 2 distinct styles gives the book that certain “there was a deadline, people” je ne sais quoi. Characters are all dynamically posed, sharply inked, and immersed in every post-modern computer colored trick in the book. Suffice to say, everything is plenty shiny here. If you were 13? You’d have a He-Boner right from page one. But for those with even a little modicum of an attention span… you’re treated to plenty of bone-headed choices. Consider that when He-Man depowers, he holds his sword such that it appears to be as tall as he is, as Prince Adam. Later in the book? He’s wearing it on his back. No biggie! Every page is treated with gusto, sure. But there is little in the way of actual visual storytelling. It’s as if every panel is merely there to get the right character on screen, so they can say their piece of the plot, and then we do it all over again. While everything is flashy and pretty… it’s devoid of nuance that makes it more than just “good enough”. Pretty yes. Important? Hardly.

Ultimately cross-overs within comics have long been hampered with the tropes we all know and loathe; from the heroes inadvertently fighting when they meet, to the random chases that all end up with some mega-battle at the end of the series. Here, we get nothing more or less. It’s action figures meeting other action figures, all tied up with the reveal of a concept that targets our inner 6 year-old with aplomb. Dark Orco? Why. How. I grew up with Eternia driving my very being on weekday afternoons. My toy box was chock to the brim with rippling action figures ready for battle. As I grew up, I left Eternia behind for Gotham and Metropolis. I did so because of the opportunity for growth in maturity of story. Now, here, my younger self is given the chance to relive my past, but what for? For a by-the-book plot, sub-par dialogue, and shiny artwork.

He-Man used to proclaim “I… Have…The Power!” Well, against the DCU, he’s better off remaining mint-in-package. At least there, the disappointment is only forthcoming.