In The Beginning, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #348 | @MDWorld

May 16, 2014 Michael Davis 1 Comment

Here’s a treat for all my fans who may have jumped on the Michael Davis rants bandwagon late! Here are my very first articles written for ComicMix, Michael Davis World, and Bleeding Cool.

This should provide some of the answers as to why women want me, why men want to be me, gay men want to do me, and why it’s cool for a 6’2″ Black man to collect Barbies.

First ComicMix article

I’m not that guy.

I’m a pretty simple guy. I see clear distinctions between right and wrong, good and evil, love and hate and republican and democrat.

In this age of political correctness and doing the right thing I don’t make decisions because it’s popular –I make decisions because I think something is right.

Remember the days when someone punched you in the face and you could punch him (or her) right back without having much to worry about- well besides getting your ass kicked. After the fight (or ass whipping in my case) you and the other party would decide to be friends or continue to hate each other. Either way you knew where you stood with that person. NOW if someone punches you in the face-YOU-may get sued-and worst with the current state of our world you don’t know where you stand. I don’t know about you but I would like to know where I stand after I’m punched in the face.

I grew up in the projects in New York City during the days when a threat sounded like this-‘ I’m going to kick your ass Davis.’ Back then my response was –“You will have to find me first lady.’ Now I simply call my lawyers.

Now a days you can get caught on videotape robbing and pistol whipping a little old lady in a wheel chair while she was feeding her kitten and not go to jail. All you have to do is blame it on your Dad who was never home or never told you he loved you.

I’m simply fed up with those who have an excuse for everything and take responsibility for nothing. I’m also fed up with people who write columns like this and never take a stand. You know the kind- they end like this:

…and so Larry walked free. He knew that pistol-whipping that blind 101-year-old Grandmother as she fed her one week old three-legged kitten was wrong. But Larry also knew that his father should have come to his softball game when he was eight. The jury understood and maybe we should also. Maybe we should look at ourselves before we judge Larry. Or maybe Granny asked for the beating when she said to Larry “ Hi.”

Well this kind of ‘what the..’ will never be seen here. In my column you will know exactly where I stand.

My approach to the world is the way Frank Sinatra ordered his drinks-

Straight, no chaser.

I see things from a very distinctive point of view. Any point of view can be lost in this –crazy, no one is responsible for his or her own actions and they blame it on not getting enough hugs as a child. My point of view is to –have a point of view.

I am fully aware that this is a popular culture column. Comics and related media will be an important part of my ranting. I do however reserve the right to write about anything. Truth be told if you think about it everything is popular culture.

So if you are looking for the same old ‘I hate what Marvel has done with Thor. Why did they make him Gay?” If you are looking for that kind of column–I’m not that guy!

To that end I think readers should know where I stand on some things up front. So here are a few-I like Asian girls, I like Frank Sinatra, I like Jay Z, I like stupid movies, I like Todd McFarlane, I like The History Channel, I like fast food, I like Hillary Clinton, I like John McCain, I like big butts (and I cannot lie), I like Karaoke, I like Tom Leykis, I like video games, I like to read, I like audio books, I like The Wu Tang Clan, I like the Beatles, I like Public Enemy, I like Bob Dylan, I like Archie Comics and I like Wayne Brady.

Now, I don’t like valley girls, I don’t like MTV, I don’t like Rosie O’Donnell, I don’t like gangs, I don’t like LAPD, (except for one very cool cop friend of mine) I don’t like Animal Planet, I don’t like fish, I don’t like anyone in the Bush White House, I don’t like anyone who thinks that because they don’t eat meat that no one should. Mind your business shut up and have a ham sandwich. I don’t like those who impose their beliefs on you so I don’t like ultra conservatives.

I don’t like The Crocodile Hunter’s Kid. Hey sweetheart- were you this happy when your

Dad was alive? I don’t like Sony (but that can change the moment I get my greedy little hands on a PS3) I don’t like The Fox Network, I don’t like new American cars ( however muscle cars from the 60’s are the move), I don’t like dick heads, I don’t like snotty rich people, I don’t like angry people who feel they have a right to make you angry also. Hey-have a ham sandwich and shut up. I don’t like people who don’t eat pork and they think they have a right to tell you not to. Hey-have a ham sandwich and shut up. I don’t like terrorists-but if you still feel the need to blow yourself up and there is no one else around-I would like that.

As far as topics here are a few I’m thinking about:

DC Comics does the best books in the industry –but they take themselves way to seriously

Marvel seems to be having the most fun-which make their books more fun to read.

Those kids on the MTV show ‘Sweet 16’ should be dropped off in the hood and pimp slapped unconscious.

The parents of the kids on the MTV show ‘Sweet 16’ should be pimp slapped back in time so they don’t have kids.

Sony’s CEO should be pimped slapped with a X-Box 360 for Sony’s asinine release of the PS3.

Anyone who cares at all about the personal life of Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears, Tom Cruise, or any other ‘star’ ask yourself what I ask myself. “Does Tom Cruise want to see my baby?” Is Paris Hilton going to come to my party? Does Brittney care if I have on underwear?’ Are any of these people writing you a CHECK??

Why Mike Richardson is the smartest man in comics.

People who sue or threaten to sue because they are CRAZY!

Also from time to time I will do movie reviews-My favorite movie is ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding.’ Hey smart guy see how far you get with the ladies when you invite them back to your place for a romantic evening while you watch ‘Saw.’

Lastly I want some of this column to focus on empowerment. I feel those who have knowledge and access should share it. There is a real disconnect between those who have knowledge and those who seek it. There is an entire generation of young people who think it’s easier to become a Pro Basketball player than an artist. These young artists have no idea what to put in a comics portfolio. Whatever knowledge I have (or my friends have for that matter) I will share freely.

I’m bound to get in trouble and make people mad. But you know what? If they don’t like it they can have a ham sandwich and shut up.

Michael Davis

M.O.T.U.

Los Angeles Jan 2007

First MDW Column

And now, the end is near;

And so I face the final curtain.

My friend, Ill say it clear,

Ill state my case, of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full.

I’ve traveled each and every highway;

And more, much more than this,

I did it my way.

For whatever reason comicmix has decided not to continue featured articles from me and my other columnists. Three weeks ago I turned down an offer to write for another site because I’m to busy for another deadline. That’s what I told the site. Truth is I have two things going for me, the first is I’m damn sexy, the second is I’m loyal like a puppy. O.K. I have one thing going for me, I’m loyal like a puppy, no, wait I do have two things going for me, I am damn sexy even if I do say so myself.

Now I find myself with a bit of free time and you know what?

I don’t want to write for another site. I like it where I am.

Look, I’m living the goddamn life of Riley here. I’m creating TV shows I’m writing books I’m about to run a another entertainment company I’m doing just fine without the weekly drag of coming up with stuff for comicmix.

But I love this shit.

I have a great life and I have few regrets. One thing I like about me is I put it all out there. Love me or hate me I put it ALL out there. Won’t you guys miss that? You need a guy like me to love or hate. You need me to piss you off and you need me to make you laugh. Of course I’m speaking of ALL the comicmix columnists and using myself as an example. You need us. Not just me…really.

If I may take a moment and just talk about me…Asian girls…YOU NEED ME.

Look, I’m trying to be serious here. I’m sorry to get off track. On the serious tip, Asian girls you REALLY need me.

Anywho, I mentioned I was loyal like a puppy and my loyalty makes writing for another site not sit well with me. I mean comicmix was unlike any other site out there and a great deal of that is because of the columns. You hear that powers that be at comicmix? We helped build you. We help create the ‘mix’ in comicmix.

You need us.

Don’t you?

No?

Well then if that’s the case, I’m now officially pissed!!! You mother fuckers think you can just use me? Did you think you COULD STEAL MY IDEAS? DID YOU THINK YOU COULD STEAL FROM MICHAEL DAVIS? FROM BEN SIEGEL? FROM MYER LANSKY??

Sorry, I was watching Bugsy.

I’m just kidding about the pissed part also. I’m not pissed. How could I be? This was a wild ride and a lot of fun, but really, won’t you miss my rants? Won’t you miss my Death Ray? Won’t you miss how I get all deep and tell you stuff that you never expected from me? Won’t you miss the witty way I connect two seemingly impossible points? Won’t you miss my annual Comic Con columns? Won’t you miss my tales from the hood? Won’t you miss, is you stupid?

Hey, now that I think of it; powers that be at comicmix, IS you stupid?

Nah, I know it’s all about the business guys. Or maybe not. Maybe just maybe the powers that be just hate me and instead of doing away with me (they can’t because of my massive power in the industry. Oh you think I’m kidding about that massive power? You have no idea who the Frank you are dealing with buddy. You try getting 25 rooms at Comic Con the WEEK before the con because some idiot canceled the rooms you had set up. Hell I got those 25 rooms back with ONE phone call. Then get that same idiot who thought she had some juice and canceled the rooms in the first place to apologize to you like the little bitch she was. Tell me how that works out for you. You get Ludacris, yeah THAT Ludacris to host YOUR Comic Con party. Tell me how THAT works out for you) wait a sec, where was I? Oh yeah, maybe just maybe the powers that be just hate me and instead of doing away with me they get rid of all the columnists just so it does not look like it’s all about me. Why would the powers that be go though all this trouble.

Why? WHY you ask?

Because I’m black.

See that? Did you see what I did? In one, way to long paragraph I bragged about my power, dropped some serious knowledge about my reach, insulted some hotel executive and made a joke.

Won’t you miss that? Wait! The one thing missing is a sad story from my childhood; and an Asian girl reference. So insert the following passage in there someplace:

My stepfather came home drunk. This was not rare but this time he had a puppy. Man I was glad to see that puppy. That puppy meant to me that my stepfather was trying to do the right thing; he was trying to reach me with that puppy. “Is that for me?” I asked already knowing the answer in my heart. The very same heart that was filled with love for this man at this moment. “IS WHAT FOR YOU?” He answered…loudly. “The puppy.” I said with a smile. “WHAT PUPPY?” He said again, loudly. I started to answer assuming this was his way of playing a game with me when I noticed something strange, my stepfather had tipped his head back and was bringing the puppy to his lips…

He was trying to drink the puppy.

I found out later that he dropped his beer coming out of a bar and when he went to pick it up, he picked up the puppy instead.

“Ugh.” He said as the puppy (perhaps sensing danger with his puppy sense) peed in his mouth. “Tastes like piss.” He said while pausing…before he tipped the puppy to his mouth again.

Won’t you miss that? I know, I know so will I. Wait; I forgot the Asian girl reference. Here you go:

“Tastes like piss.” He said while pausing…before he tipped the puppy to his mouth again. Years later I would tell that story to an Asian girl hoping for understanding, hoping for love. Hoping she would love me… long time.

SEE? Won’t you miss all of that? Sure you will.

Well this does not have to be goodbye. I’ve gotten a lot of requests over the years (some with $ backing behind it) to write a blog. So that’s what’s I’m gonna do. I love comicmix so much I’m not going to write for another site, I’m going to write for me.

You can find me every Friday (I hope) at: michaeldavisworld.com I may or may not do more than one a week but I like this Friday thing. All this said if Mike Gold wants me back at comicmix I’m there. I have no idea how I will do without the massive amount they were paying me there. I guess it’s back to my paper route; I have to get my milk money somewhere.

I hope that I have been an interesting read at least. This is the 90th article I have written and I have loved this run. I’m grateful for the time I’ve spent here and look forward to seeing you all at michaeldavisworld.com.

I also wish comicmix well. It’s still my favorite site on the net and Mike Gold will always be my friend. Regardless of him firing me…because I’m black.

Thanks, to all my follow columnists and to the un-official columnists, Vinnie, Russ, Marc, Reg, Jeremiah and last but not least my boy Shane. I’ll leave you with this:

For what is a man, what has he got?

If not himself, then he has naught.

To say the things he truly feels;

And not the words of one who kneels.

The record shows I took the blows –

And did it my way…

First Bleeding Cool article

I’m as politically correct as a porn star. That being said, there are some things I find that are just wrong.

As an example, take Tyrone Cash, the Black character created by mega comic book writer Mark Millar.

Tyrone Cash, a brilliant Black scientist, gains the power of the Hulk, yet retains his intellect. I’ll say that slowly for the heedless out there…

HE

RETAINS

HIS

So what does this tremendously talented, intelligent Black man do with his new power?

He becomes a drug dealer.

A brilliant Black

scientist receives the power of the Hulk, maintains his superior intellect, and then chooses to become a motherfucking drug dealer.

I guess after Obama is done with the Presidency, he will title his memoirs “Where The White Women At? ” and his presidential library will be called “The Rib Shack.”

The name ‘Tyrone Cash” is just what some white guy who hasn’t a clue about Black people, except what he sees in the movies, would think a “hood” name was.

Tyrone Cash? Why not call him Super Nigga?

Like I said, I’m not politically correct.

What I am is a Black creator, and I’m extremely offended that someone with the talent and fan base as Millar would create such a stereotypical character. It’s not just the stupidity of the character (renowned Black scientist gets super powers and becomes a hardcore, drug-dealing thug right out of Far Right Wing fear commercials), it’s the massive appeal that Millar generates with his work.

I hate Tyrone Cash like the Tea Party hates Gay marriage, but I do admire Mark Millar’s other work. I’m not saying that to curry favor with Mark because he’s got a ton of juice in the comics industry. But as I’ve written before – what’s he going to do?

Kick Ass?

Kick my ass?

That’s almost as silly as a Black scientist becoming a drug dealer as soon as he gets superpowers. So kicking my ass is out. Am I concerned about him using his influence to somehow screw with my career?

Err, no.

Or as we say in the hood:

Nigga, please.

On the other hand, what do you think the NAACP would think of Tyrone Cash? Don’t worry Millar fans – as far as I’m concerned, writers and artists can write and draw anything they like. I think Orson Scott Card is a homophobic dick (damn I’m clever), but I’m not about to mount a protest with the aim of getting him to write what I think he should write.

I’m not interested in making Tyrone Cash a civil rights case because it’s not. It’s simply another stupid Black character in what’s been a long line of stupid Black characters. I’d list them here, but there’s so many I can use that for another article or twenty.

Mark, on the very good chance you may be reading this, I think you are a fantastic writer, there is no denying that. But dude, Tyrone Cash?

Nigga, please.

Tyrone Cash pissed me off to no end, and the fact the character was created by an individual who has the means to reach millions pissed me off even more.

I’m nothing if not a realist. I don’t think Millar woke up one day and asked himself, “What’s the stupidest African American super villain I can create?” He achieved that, but I don’t think that was his intent. I think he thought Tyrone was a good idea at the time. I’ve done that. I’ve thought something was a good idea at the moment I had the idea, but it turned out it wasn’t.

That brings me to Grace Randolph.

Grace Randolph is a tremendously talented, intelligent, and pretty white girl. Yes, Black women – I said Grace Randolph is pretty. But there is no need for you worry, my Nubian sisters. I am NOT another successful Black man who lusts after white girls, so cool your jets.

I lust after Asian girls.

Grace Randolph is the creator of the completely bad ass Supurbia -that is a GREAT freakin’ series.

Some time ago she filmed a piece for the net where she listed what she thought were the Top Ten Black Superheroes. I take issue with that, and not because there were no Milestone Media characters on the list (although Milestone Media is the most successful Black comic book company in the history of comics, bar none). I was not upset she completely ignored characters like Static, Rocket, Hardware, and Icon.

That was not my complaint – no one, and I mean no one, has ever written a top ten list without taking some criticism. I just took a bunch of heat on Facebook for naming The Wiz on my all-time favorite movie musicals and not Chicago.

I loved the Wiz and I hated Chicago, but that’s just me. It was my list, just like Ms. Randolph’s list washers. Except for one entry, I wasn’t upset with whom she had on her list – Luke Cage, Storm, Agent 355, Falcon, John Stewart, Michonne, Spawn, Cyborg, Amanda Waller, and Miles Morales.

I hate Luke Cage – other than that I think the rest of the Black characters on her list are really cool.

But…

HOW can you name all the Black characters to a top ten list without a single one of them being created by a Black creator?

I may be wrong, as I have not met all the creators who have characters represented on her list, but I’m pretty sure white guys created all of the characters on her list.

W

T

FUCK?

When the GOP opened hearings on the subject of “women’s health,” there was not a single woman on their “panels of experts,” and most rational people thought that was a pretty dumb thing to do.

It was a dumb thing to do, and I’m being nice by using the word “dumb” to describe it. Imagine having hearings on professional baseball, and no one from baseball was represented.

Dumb would be a step up.

Frankly, I think it’s kind of cool (hell, I think it’s kind of hot) to have a white girl list her favorite Black characters.

But by omitting any Black characters created by Black people from the list – that’s saying Black people can’t write Black people. And I don’t care how fine she is (I do, but I have to appear that I don’t) Ms. Randolph’s list is fuc…er, messed up.

Those of you who know me know I’m going out of my way not to tear Ms. Randolph a new one. That’s because I respect what she was trying to do. She was trying to draw attention to the richness and diversity of the noble African American …oh, just screw it.

I have no idea what she was trying to do. I only know that she was trying to do something good, and because of that, she gets a pass.

Because of that, and she’s hot.

Sisters! Relax! Asian girls!

I’ve never met her and I bear her no ill will. If my long-time friend Neil Gaiman had put the same list together, I would have been all up in his ass also.

Not in the way Orson Scott Card would be upset about, but I would be on his ass about a list of great Black characters where no Black creators are represented.

I know you meant well Ms. Randolph, but –

Nigg…err…

Foxy, please.