The Kids, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise | @MDWorld

June 11, 2015 Victor El-Khouri 2 Comments

Maybe I should wait a week and write about this for Fathers Day.  That would be the mature, culturally responsible thing to do, giving people a little order in their lives, an accommodation to the way they plan their thoughts.

But I’m ready to rant now, so rant I shall.

You see, the media spotlight is once again shining on the family unit as the cause and/or salvation for all of society’s ills.  Any discussion of the racial violence in Ferguson or Baltimore or New York that includes a conservative will inevitably veer from a discussion of police misconduct to a lamentation about the absence of strong fathers in the African-American community.

Even though that isn’t true. The conservatives who tsk-tsk what they perceive to be the lack of fathers in African-American families should dedicate themselves to prison and police reforms.  A large percentage of single family homes would be two-parent homes if the father wasn’t in jail for a non-violent offense.

This week, another study suggests that there might be a correlation between intact, two-parent families and upward social mobility.  If you look at the map at the link, you will see that it is most likely (but not always) conservative, Republican states that have the most single-parent families.

I’m in favor of kids having at least two full-time parents.  I think it’s healthy for a child to know there are adults (parents, grandparents, extended family, friends who are like family) that she can rely on for love and support and encouragement.

Do those adults need to be biological relatives?  I don’t think so.  Do they have to be there, in good times and bad?  Absolutely.

Children in two-parent households have definite advantages.  There is the likelihood that both parents work, so there is more money available.  In two-parent families with just one paycheck, there is an adult around to take care of the kids after school, to help with homework, with more time available to get involved with the child’s life.

Material advantages aside, there are emotional and (dare I say it) spiritual advantages as well.  Two-parent households are more likely to be stable and predictable, with schedules and disciplinary limits the child can count on.

I had an early and (fortunately brief) terrifying lesson in this.  When I was ten years old, my parents split up.  The split only lasted a week or so, but in that time, I was completely devastated.  I sent my father a letter at his office, begging him to come home.  He did, and he took me for a walk and explained that no matter what happened, he would never leave me.

To this day, I have no idea what the split was about.  I don’t know what caused the fight, or what brought the peace.  My parents stayed married for another 17 years, until my mother died.

My own marriage had its ups and downs.  There were lots of times I could have walked out, and I’m sure my husband had his own, similar list.  Because (among other things) I had the example of my parents and their commitment to work things out, I worked things out.

If we didn’t have a child, I don’t think we would have made that extra effort.  Our child was planned and wanted.  We made the decision to have him knowing there would be lots of work and expense.  Our commitment to our marriage was a commitment to him as much as it was to each other.

Marriage isn’t a panacea, and no one should put up with physical or emotional abuse just because he or she made a vow.  However, it seems to me that it’s a kind of hypocrisy that the people who claim to be Christian, so Christian that they can’t bake a cake for a same-sex wedding, are overwhelmingly the people who get divorced.

Either marriage is a sacrament given by a deity that no man may put asunder, or it’s a legal arrangement that benefits the community by providing emotional stability to individuals.  Those whose religious beliefs require them to refuse the business of the LGBTQ community must also refuse to sell to adulterers, divorced people, and the tattooed.

Really, though, we could all use more cake.  But only after we eat our vegetables.

Media Goddess and Jewish mother Martha Thomases knows that lots and lots of wonderful, productive people grew up in single-family homes, including the gentleman whose name graces this website.