Somebody’s Getting Married, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise | @MDWorld

May 2, 2016 Victor El-Khouri 1 Comment

Please forgive me for being late with my column this week.  I have excuses, many of which are valid, but that does nothing to make up for the gaping, empty hole I’ve left in your heart, Constant Reader.

Still, I had my reasons, and at least one of them is awesome.  I went to Kleinfeld’s with my son, his fiancee, and her mother to select a wedding dress.

This is the first time I’ve ever been shopping for a wedding dress.  My mother’s illness, which took a sudden turn for the worse, meant that I got married in a dress a friend whipped up for me in three days.  I certainly had never been inside a retail operation devoted solely to one kind of gown.

You may have seen Kleinfeld’s on the TLC reality show, Say Yes to the Dress.  In it, a bride and her entourage (family, friends, etc.) try on and evaluate a variety of gowns in a variety of price points.  I’ve only seen a few episodes, and they have all been excruciating.  People who are supposed to love her say incredibly mean things to the bride-to-be.  They criticize her figure, her taste, and her sense of herself.

We were there on a Saturday morning, with seven or eight other families, each with out own couch and mirror and pedestal.  The brides-to-be are taken away to private dressing rooms, where they discuss what they want with their salespeople.  For those of us waiting outside, there is a parade to watch, as women of all shapes and sizes and colors come from the dressing rooms, wearing white.

The most striking thing to me is how many different images these women are striving to achieve, even within the conventions of wedding clothes.  Almost all the dresses emphasized the waist, as if to denote that the bride has not yet given birth, but after that, there are few constants.  Some dresses are strapless, some have sleeves.  Some are knee-length and some go to the ground, and many have trains.  Some have full skirts, some are straight, and some are “mermaid,” tight through the knees and then full.  Some are bedecked with lace and sparkle, while others are not, instead emphasizing the tailoring.

The family immediately behind us had a bride who wanted to be “sexy.”  In this case, she seemed to mean naked.  Every dress she tried on had cut-outs and see-through bits.  The gown she eventually chose was sheer down both sides.  She will not be able to wear any kind of underwear on her wedding day.

I understand that being visibly naked under one’s clothes can be delightful.  I just don’t understand how relates to a a wedding.  Or, at the least, to my idea of a wedding.

For big huge chunks of time, getting married was supposed to mean the beginning of one’s sex life, especially for women.  (Note:  For big huge chunks of time before that, getting married just meant a transfer of property from one high-born family to another, and before that, there weren’t any marriages, just babies and families to take care of them.)  I’m sure there are people for whom this is still true, but generally not in the United States any more, and certainly not among the classes of people who shop at Kleinfeld’s, at least on the day we were there (and the days the show is taped).  If the man you are going to marry doesn’t already think you’re sexy, being mostly naked on your wedding day isn’t going to help.  Not enough.

Being married isn’t easy, and staying married is a challenge, even for people who are madly in love.  If you’ve read Sex at Dawn, you know that, as primates, we are not naturally monogamous.  Having sex with just one other person for decades tests the ardor of any one.  In my lifetime, I found that I cared less about monogamy and more about commitment and conversation.  My husband was not only a man I found sexy.  Lots of men are sexy, plus women and more than a few fictional characters, and also some animals.  Most important to me was that, at the end of the day, he was the person I most wanted to set next to, have a conversation, and breathe the same air.  He was the person I trusted to be there for me, and I tried to be that for him.

My son’s fiancee ended up choosing a glorious dress, one that makes her feel beautiful and special and celebratory.  I don’t expect to see it again until February, when she walks down the aisle, and even then, I suspect, my vision will be blurred by tears of joy.

Media Goddess Martha Thomases spends entirely too much time wondering what she would wear if she ever got married again, even though she’s not sure that is something she wants.