All The Young Dudes, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise | @MDWorld

June 9, 2016 Victor El-Khouri 0 Comments

My social media feeds have been filled with outrage this week.  While that’s not unusual (I rage, therefore I post), the subject, for once, is worthy of all the anger.  A young man, Brock Turner, a student at Stanford, raped a woman at a college party and, for a variety of reasons, received a very light sentence.

Happens all the time, right?  What’s unusual here, and why it’s news, is the letter the victim wrote.  She is amazingly and brilliantly articulate about the horrific thing that happened to her.  She accepts responsibility for putting herself in harm’s way (drinking too much in a new environment), while absolutely damning the young man.

Compare it to the letter from Turner’s father, which seems to miss the point entirely.  As a result, there were a bunch of posts from other fathers, denouncing the lack of responsibility taken by either one of the Turner’s.

(There was also this little gem blaming political correctness.  Because Trump.)

It pleases me that so many men are being stand-up guys and denouncing rape culture.  Fathers and other male authority figures are vital to the development of boys, so the more we see men denounce the abuse and dehumanization of women, the better.

Having said all that, though, I’m going to talk about what mothers (and other female authority figures) can do.  I mean, I raised a son (along with a very involved father, and many many many friends of all genders). As a feminist, I very much wanted him to grow up to be the kind of man a feminist would respect.

Here’s the thing:  teaching a boy about sexuality isn’t something that you wait to do until his voice changes.  You have to start as soon as he’s born.  Teach him that having a body is a wonderful thing, and every day and every activity is an opportunity to feel good.  Having sexuality is one of the joys of being a human.  Teach him that nobody except he gets to decide what to do with his body.

At the same time, teach him empathy.  Just as he has a body, and that’s fabulous, other people have bodies, too, and they also want to feel fabulous.  Teach him that nobody but they get to decide what they do with their bodies.  Teach him that other people are there because they are interesting and fascinating, just like he is, and just as worthy of respect.

I did this all the time with my son.  When we went for a walk in the spring, we talked about how great it felt to have the sun on our faces.  When he talked about learning multiplication in school, I asked him how it felt.  We read lots of book and talked about how different characters felt, and compared their feelings to those of people we knew.

By the time he reached puberty, these conversations were part of our everyday life.

It isn’t just talking the talk, of course.  I also had to walk the walk.  My husband and I had a relationship that was mutually respectful, of course, but also hilarious and affectionate and fun.  My son saw every day how two humans, however flawed, could care about and take care of each other.

Brock Turner, at 20, is just a kid. If he were my son, I know I would want him to have as brief a prison sentence as possible.  I know I would see him, as his father does, as someone with a great deal to offer society.

The difference is, I hope, that I would not make excuses for his behavior.  (Note:  Actually, I would totally make excuses, at least in the beginning, but that would be my defensive reaction.  What I mean is that I hope I would work through my defensiveness before I wrote anything for public consumption.)  I wouldn’t gloss over the harm done to the victim.  I would not expect my white, middle-class son to get better treatment than any other mother’s son.  I would like to think that I would reach out to the victim myself to apologize and make amends.

I would like to think that Turner can atone for his crime, and learn from the experience.  I would like to believe in rehabilitation and redemption.

I would like to believe we can all do better.

Martha Thomases, Media Goddess, is very glad the primary season is over.